Discrimination Against Women in Dhofar & Oman

Discrimination is a sociological term referring to the treatment taken toward or against a person of a certain group in consideration based solely on class or category. Discrimination is the actual behavior towards another group. It involves excluding or restricting members of one group from opportunities that are available to other groups ~ Wikipedia.
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The United Nations had concluded that women often experience a "glass ceiling" and that there are no societies in which women enjoy the same opportunities as men. The term "glass ceiling" is used to describe a perceived barrier to advancement in employment based on discrimination, especially sex discrimination ~ UN
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With regard to the rights of women here (in Oman), the Amnesty International 2007 Human Rights report said that although the Sultanate ratified an agreement on combating all types of discrimination against women in February 2006 and declared the formation of a committee to ensure the implementation of the provision of the agreement women continued to suffer discrimination whether in respect of the law or its implementation especially when it came to personal rights, employment, and participation in public life ~ Times of Oman
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This is Longest Post in the World – Forgive Me.
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Disclaimer: Compared to other countries in the Middle East, Oman definitely treats women with more respect. We have a lot to be thankful for. We have many female leaders and there is gender equality for sure. However, the biggest mistake is to generalize. Most of this freedom, equality, rights, etc, is in the capital area and that's no secret. Muscat is another planet. Let us not forget the hundreds of thousands of women in the villages and small towns around Oman. We matter. Women deserve dignity & Respect.
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Dear Readers,
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After reading Rania's post here and after a small incident this morning, my blood pressure is on the rise and I am royally peeved. I've been putting off writing about racism/discrimination against women for a long time, but today since I'm on the verge of tears and very annoyed, I have to let it all out.
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To the haters (men) out there who are already formulating rude answers, save your breath because they won't be published. I love Salalah and I love the people, and yes I'm a human so I have the right to complain sometimes. Words of support or interesting ideas/debates are most welcome.
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Hundreds of thoughts are spinning through my head right now and I don't even know where to start. Can I just spew forth my thoughts and you try to make sense out of them? Thank you very much. I'll put my ideas into points so it's easier for readers to refer back to a certain idea, etc when commenting.
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1. In Oman women definitely have legal rights. No doubt about that. We can work, drive, vote, ask for a divorce, etc. Take a moment out to think about women in Saudi Arabia. They cannot drive (not even expat women), they must wear the abaya everywhere (it's illegal not to), they can only work in certain places, schools and colleges are gender-segregated, women cannot go out alone, they practically have to carry their marriage certificate around wherever they to be ready for the Moral Police (or whatever they're called …). Saudi society is sick. Thank you Sultan Qaboos for being the open minded man that you are. We are so blessed to have such an enlightened leader.

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2. Government-wise, I think our country is doing pretty good. My rants today are not against the government. They are against men and society. People. No matter how 'free' a woman is in Oman legally, there are always men in her life controlling her. There are men in my life controlling me (yes even me after spending 5 years abroad on my own, I came back to a society where men immediately assumed the duties of controlling me and making decisions about my life), but today I'll be complaining on behalf of all the beautiful intelligent women around me. My friends, sisters, cousins, colleagues, aunts, etc. Today I'll be talking about Salalah mostly because I cannot speak for the rest of Oman. Do you want to know how many men I know who've spoken these exact words to the women in their life 'We've allowed you to work and drive. What more do you want?'. So many times I've wanted to shout at them 'WE WANT MORE'. Who the hell gave you the right to 'allow' or 'not allow'. Who gave you the right to control someone else's life?

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3. As a human, I feel that my most basic need is to be in control of my own life. As a human, I feel it is my right. As a Muslim I feel it is my right. As an Omani I feel it is my right. As a woman I feel it is my right. I have one life and it is mine. Mine.

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4. Allah/God created men and women to live in this world together, to build families and populate the earth and support one another and do good. God did not say 'It's a man's world. Hide the women. I created them by mistake'. Islam is a beautiful religion and women's rights in Islam are clear. Women in the time of the Prophet Mohammed PBUH were strong and free. They fought in battle, they were businesswomen (Al Sayyida Khadija RAA the Prophet's first wife was a very successful businesswoman and he looked up to her!). Women prayed with men and they certainly were not hidden in rooms under layers of black. So many incidents from his time included women. Read the Sunna. I feel women were respected back then a lot more than they are now. I need more time to study the Quran and books on Islam to fully understand the role of women. I feel men/religious leaders in our time have screwed up ideas about women.

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5. From a reader: "Nadia, don't you think women in Salalah were more independent and strong in the past, when men tended to think of women as humans, not bodies that may sexually arouse them and consequently have to be covered/chained at home? Racism against women should be taken into consideration too". Before the 1970s, women in Dhofar were poor yes but they were free. They worked hard with the men (side by side) farming, taking care of the animals, etc. Many women I know in the mountains used to leave their huts alone at sunrise and take the animals to look for food all day. Alone. Many women I know fought in the Dhofar War. They carried around machine guns, drove pickup trucks, and were heavy smokers (No, I don’t admire them for that). Women back then wore colors or the dyed purple indigo clothes. They did not wear black. They did not wear the face veil. Women rocked.

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6. During the period from 1970-2010, life in Dhofar was transformed. The Sultan took power, people in Dhofar were given land and cars and jobs by His Majesty, Oman was opened up to the rest of the world, the Abaya was introduced to women in Oman (via Iran I think) and everything started changing. Once families moved into the town after the war, women didn't have to work as hard anymore, so they began to spend most of their day at home. Slowly women began wearing black from head to toe, the face veil became popular, gender segregation became the norm, and Salalah slowly turned into a male-dominated society. Yes, this all happened over the past 40 years.

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7. Women in Salalah still do not understand enough about Islam or about their rights as Muslim women. They are not educated (most of them aren't) so it's hard for them to find information on Islam online or in books (you can't even find books here). Do you think most men bothered to enlighten them? Of course not. They like being in control. Do you know that some of my relatives believe it's Fardh (a must) in Islam to wear the face veil? How could they think that? It's Sunna and a woman should be able to decide on her own whether she wants to wear it or not. No man should ever force his wife/sisters/mother to wear it.

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8. Most women in Salalah wear the face veil. Most of them do not wear it because they are God-fearing Muslims. They wear it because their husbands/brothers/fathers forced them to. It's is purely cultural. Tradition. It's the fear of being 'recognized'. The fear of having an 'identity'. God forbid we should ever be proud of our own identity!!!!!!!

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9. Most Dhofari men will tell you 'My wife is at home. She has her house and her children and she visits her family every week. I provide for her and I take her shopping when she wants. She is respected in her home. There is no reason for her to go beyond those four walls. A woman's life is in the home'. It's all nice and dandy if the women AGREES. She should have a choice. Otherwise she is a prisoner and she is trapped.

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10. Story (1): one of my close friends in high school had big plans for life. She wanted to be an artist. She was popular in our high school and very pretty. She wanted to travel, work, drive, be a mother and see the world. Most of all, she wanted to paint. After high school she started talking about applying at local colleges. Her brother refused and she rebelled. He got worried so he decided to marry her off immediately before she caused any more trouble. Her husband-to-be told her he didn't mind her continuing her higher studies so she had a little hope left in her broken heart. Within three months she was married. One month after the wedding she discovered she was pregnant. She lived in a room and shared the house with her in-laws. Her mother in law didn't approve of the painting, so to keep her happy, the husband banned all paints from entering the house (LOSER). Unhappy, pregnant, and trapped, I watched my friend become more and more depressed. She now has three kids (all under the age of 4) and her husband won't even let her out of the house to visit friends (me included). If I want to see her, I have to go to the in-laws house or catch her at her parents' house when she's there visiting. Her husband brainwashed her into thinking her life is complete between the four walls of their bedroom. He on the other hand, travels every year with his friends to Thailand or India or wherever. He works, hangs out with friends everyday, comes home late, hardly pays any attention to her. What is she supposed to do? Leave him? With three small kids? Of course not. He does not abuse her. He does whatever she wants provided it doesn't go beyond the four walls of the house. It hurts me to think about how depressed she can be sometimes knowing her whole life will be like this. Trapped. No freedom. No opinion. Controlled by a man.

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Need I mention he has forbidden the use of birth control? She is tired of having kids. Many men in Salalah forbid birth control. I guess this is why families are so large. A man I know forced his wife to get pregnant every year because she kept on having girls and he wanted a boy. What an animal. She ended up having six girls (they're 3,4,5,7,8,10) ... YES one after the other until she finally had a boy last year.

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11. Story (2): another friend of mine went to Australia to do her Masters. She lived on her own for two years. Her brothers (father passed away) never bothered to check up on her or ask about her (as long as she was out of the country and away from people's gossip, they didn't care). The minute she returned they realized how independent she'd become (no kidding) and they decided she must get married. Of course she refused. So her brothers said 'Fine then, you're not allowed to work'. Once her uncles interfered the brothers agreed to let her work because she had to pay off her student loans. She started work and they became greedy. She was making around 1200/- Rials. She wanted to save for her Ph.D and she was also paying bills for the house. Her brothers went out of their way, got wasta and contacted her employer to find out how much she was making because she wouldn't tell them what her salary was. Would you believe what they said? "Dear M, you are a girl, you don't need that salary. Every month you will keep 350 Rials for yourself to cover your own expenses and your sisters' and the rest you will give to us. We are men and we need the money more than you'. WTF? She called me in tears. A while later they got bored of driving her to work so they 'allowed' her to take driving lessons and then informed her coldly that they would be selecting the car she should buy with her own money. She would drive to work in the morning and the minute she got home she would hand the keys over to her brothers. At the moment she's still fighting. Who can she turn to? What kind of brothers behave like that?

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12. Story (3): one of my friends' aunts decided to volunteer at one of the centers for special abilities & needs here in Dhofar. She was very excited and spent two or three hours a day during the morning working with the center. This went on for two or three months. Her husband never asked her about her voluntary work. He didn't care. One day she was helping to put up an exhibition at the center and Oman TV were there filming. The corner of her face was visible for about 4 seconds on TV. One of her husband's friends saw this and called the husband 'Hey, your wife's on TV!'. And that was it. Husband came home in a rage and decided his wife would stop volunteering with the handicapped kids and she wasn't allowed out of the house on her own because she would misbehave. Please note this woman is almost 40 with 4 kids in school. He was so ashamed and upset that someone had 'seen' her and 'recognized' her on TV.

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13. Story (4): many women I know desperately want to lose weight and join an all-female gym or go walking in the evenings. Most families (especially the prissy higher tribes) refuse. The men in the families tell them to exercise at home. They believe a woman who goes to a gym and sheds the abaya is a near-prostitute. What will other women say if they recognize her? Oh shame shame. Again, fear of being recognized and known.

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14. Story (5): my own father told me once when I'd just come back from abroad 'You're independent and strong. I cannot control you. Do what you want but I don't want people to recognize you and I don't want to hear about it'. I remember once I took my mother out to dinner and parked my car in front of the famous Chinese Cascade restaurant at the centre of town. We went in to the restaurant and had a lovely dinner in one of the private family rooms. We were at home by 9. Around 8:30 a close cousin drove by the restaurant and saw my car and immediately called my father the next morning 'You let your daughter go to restaurants at night??! Who will ever marry her? You have a reputation!'. My father in turn called me screaming 'Your car was seen! No more restaurants. No public places where people recognize you'. Well, sorry dad but I didn't know eating Chinese food with my mother in a private family room was a sin. Women need more places to get together in Salalah. At the moment, there are almost NO public places where it's perfectly acceptable for women to meet. There will always be someone who disapproves. Look at Browniz Coffee House in Salalah. The whole 2nd floor is dedicated to women. There is a sofa, open area and also private rooms. Many men hang out in the men's part downstairs and if they see women sneaking up to the 2nd floor through the private side entrance they immediately assume the girl has a bad reputation. Well, sorry guys but YOU are the ones with issues, not us.

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15. Story (6): I will not elaborate because this post is getting too long. I, too, like Rania was told I couldn't go into the men's section of the Grand Mosque during visiting hours because I was a woman. Furthermore, many women's sections at local mosques are locked up most of the year and only open up during Ramadan. Why can't women pray at the mosque when they want? Not all women have kids. I went to the Grand Mosque for sunset prayers one day because I was out shopping and didn't want to miss the prayers, and I got SO MANY WEIRD LOOKS from men in the mosque parking lot. I felt like I was committing a crime. Like I didn't belong. Like I was heading to a shady nightclub or brothel. For heaven's sake I was just going to the mosque to pray. I was simply waiting for a call from my father telling me I'd been 'seen' and no more mosque-praying anymore. Why can't women pray in the mosque? When I was abroad I used to go to the mosque every Friday. Men and women prayed together in the same prayer hall and listened to the sermon together. It was a spiritual family affair. We felt united. Muslims from all over the world praying together. Sadly, I felt more in touch with my religion when I was in a non-Muslim country than I do in Oman. I used to attend lectures at the mosque every week. The Muslim Student Association was active. Friday prayers at the mosque were wonderful. I was proud to be Muslim. I was encouraged by members of the Muslim community to study about Islam. When I came back to Oman it all changed. Nobody wants to talk about it. Traditions and tribes are more important than Islam sometimes. I cannot go to the mosque freely. Praying became a private thing. I don't have anyone to discuss Islam with (besides Rania :-). We are all Muslim but Islam is so mingled in with local traditions that it's hard to distinguish what's right and what's wrong. In Salalah people are not proud of Islam. They are proud of their tribe and their connections.

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16. Story (7): A small point that annoyed me. Remember when Rania and I met for the first time? We went to the beach to talk. It was the public Haffa beach. Hundreds of people hang out there every night. Men at the restaurants and women towards the end of the beach in groups with kids. Would you believe the number of emails we received from men accusing us of 'misbehavior' because we were on a beach alone together? With hundreds of other people? Fully clad in black from head to toe? What kind of misbehaving do you mean? Do you mean to tell us we should have dragged our brothers/husband along and had them watch us to make sure we didn't throw off the abaya and walk around in pink bikinis or something? Who the hell do you think you are writing to me telling me I'm a bad person because I met a friend in a public place at night? Who gave you the courage to type those letters and press the send button? What kind of a person are you?

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17. Reputation is all in Salalah. Let me enlighten you. When a girl is seen exchanging study notes with a male colleague at university, her reputation is ruined forever. Or so our men think. According to Dhofari men, women are like white sheets of paper. One little spot of ink and it's ruined. Yes, men have said that to me MANY times. And of course I assume men are black pieces of paper so no matter how much ink you pour onto them, they'll remain pure? As far as Dhofari men are concerned, a woman who is 'recognized' has ruined her reputation. A woman who even smiles at another man has ruined her reputation. A woman who flirted with the boy next door during her teens has ruined her reputation. A woman who drives is ruining her reputation. A woman who works I ruining her reputation. A woman who has an identity has no reputation. Reputation. Reputation. F*** reputation. Why can't a woman have a reputation for being smart, educated, strong, moral, a good mother?? What's wrong with being known? Why can't a woman have a reputation for being a businesswoman? Or a Sheikha at a mosque? Or a good teacher? Why can't men be proud of their women??? When a man approaches another man telling him 'I saw your wife doing this and this. Mashallah she's so smart', why can't the man go to his wife and say 'I'm so proud of you. People are saying good things about you', instead of getting annoyed because someone knows who she is?

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Need I mention that my brother insists I hide in my bedroom when the plumber or electrician is coming to the house to fix something? Need I mention that I'm not allowed to go out to my car when he's outside waiting for a friend to pick him up because it would be too shameful for his friend to see me, even though my face is covered???
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18. Why are women hidden behind locked doors? Is it because they are 'Fitna' (temptation) and may arouse men? Are men such animals? Why is it that one manager at my company refuses to deal with me face to face and will not look at me because I'm a woman. Is he trying to get a message through that he's religious and I'm a slut so he can't work with me? All I wanted was for him to sign a paper and let me know if he had any extra thoughts on the X program we were working on together (through email. Email is fine). I haven't seen him for six months even though he works in the same building. We correspond everyday by email but I've decided to avoid him because his behavior is an insult to me.

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19. I have met religious leaders who cannot even look at a woman and who say 'Istaghfurallah' whenever a woman enters the room (yes there are many of them). What kind of Islam do they practice? What kind of Muslim leaders are they? Do they believe they are good people? They've isolated themselves from society because everything is a temptation. I know of some religious leaders who cannot even look at their own sisters or wife without the hijab on. It upsets them too much. What kind of Islam is that?
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20. On a more positive note, I have met one or two religious leaders who are cheerful educated worldly people. They treated me like a human and I was truly inspired. I attended a few lectures by Sheikh Khalfan Al Esry at the Grand Mosque in Muscat. He is one of those enlightened souls who encourages you to love life and religion. He is the only religious leader I've ever met with a huge sense of humor. He is educated, well travelled, and just an enlightened human being. So many women in Muscat go to him for answers because he's always ready to address people's concerns and questions. We need more of him in Oman and less of the other type.

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21. And about circumcision, why do men feel that women MUST be circumcised? According to some men I know, a common myth is that women are sluts by nature, so in order to curb their desire, they must be circumcised at birth otherwise they'll spend their whole life chasing after men. Are you surprised dear readers? Circumcision still exists in Salalah. Not as much as before, but every girl my age is circumcised. And guess what? They cannot experience pleasure with their husbands most of the time because intercourse hurts so much. Men are full of lust and women see it as a terrible chore. I personally see having intercouse with a circumcised woman in pain as legal rape.

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22. What about polygamy? Dhofar is huge on polygamy. 99.99% of men who take on a second wife do so without any valid Islamic reason. To non-Muslims reading this, not all men can marry a 2nd wife. They must have a valid reason and these reasons are clearly stated in the Quran and Sunna. First of all, the first wife must agree. In Salalah, men don't even bother to ask their wives. They just go ahead and get married and sometimes they don't even tell their wives until the wedding day. What kind of respect is that? What kind of a Muslim does that? The whole idea of polygamy is totally screwed up in Dhofar, I'm sorry to say.

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23. The Glass Ceiling: although there are no 'legal' rules in Oman stopping women from travelling or working or being promoted, or driving or eating in public places, the rules are unwritten, generated by a male-dominated society. As a well-travelled young woman in a modern world, I feel it's my right to work, drive, travel, study, go to the mosque, meet people, have friends, go shopping with my sisters, etc, but deep down inside I KNOW that anyday this could all be taken away from me .... by a man. Do you have any idea what that feels like? To know that anyday your father might suddenly decide you can't work anymore, or he doesn't want you driving anymore, or I'm not allowed to go shopping without a man, or ... maybe a future husband? I'm terrified of marriage because I have seen so many friends who were lied to by their husbands before the wedding. All these empty promises 'Yes my dear, you can live your life and do what you want'. And the moment they get married, the man takes everything away. Just like that. Snap. In one moment, your whole life crumbles in front of you and the man's only excuse is 'مزاج' or 'I do what I want' (i.e. a woman's place is at home).

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Every woman knows that everything that she has built for herself can be taken away from her in one simple moment by a husband or father or brother. Every semi-free woman I know is never 100% confident about her life because she knows she may lose it all one day if her husband has a temper tantrum. Every woman knows her life is not entirely hers. WOMEN SHOULD NOT HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THAT.

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However, dear readers, I know this is the longest post and you're all cross-eyed by now and many of you are ready to attack me for my views, but let me highlight the positive points too. Salalah is definitely changing. Over the past several years more women are working and driving, and I've even started to notice women in restaurants and cafes. Hell, I've even seen women grocery shopping on their own. Salalah is definitely changing. But that's still not enough.

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What we need is more men who don't feel the need to control women. We need more men who respect women and are willing to see their wives as 'partners in life', not someone lower than them. YES these men exist in Salalah and I am meeting more of them each day. I know some of them are reading this now and you know who you are. I want to say 'Thank you' to these brave men who are defying the unwritten rules in society. Thank you to all the men who have helped women build their own lives and get up on their own two feet. Thank you to all the men who treat us with respect at home, at work, in stores, in schools.

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Thank you to the men who are looking for friendship and respect in marriage, not just a woman who will cook for them and iron their clothes and raise the kids on her own. Thank you to all the men who are not ashamed to help their wives in the kitchen or change a baby's diaper or make their wives a cup of coffee. Thank you to all the men who are brave enough to tell their friends 'I'm busy tonight. I'm taking my wife out to dinner'. Thank you to the young and older men who have put on a new pair of glasses and who have been able to see women as beautiful and enlightened creatures who can do so much more in the world. Thank you to all the husbands who are able to refer to their wives as 'Mona' or 'Fatma' to their friend instead of a simple الأهل (the family) because they're too ashamed to say the name. And finally, thank you to all the male relatives who have seen me around town and who didn't feel the need to run and tell my father I'd been seen.

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Finally, the end. I am interested to hear what men think and whether - as men- you truly feel the need to control your women? What about female readers from Oman or the South? Do you feel the discrimination? What have you experienced and how are you breaking out of the shell?