Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Funerals

I am back from the dead and I apologize for leaving my loyal (and not so loyal) readers hanging for the past ten days. I'm afraid it's been slightly crazy at my end of town, with wedding preparations for this coming Thursday (shivers) and sadly ... a funeral. One of my elder relatives passed away. She wasn't old and wasn't sick. I believe she may have been in her early fifties (but it's hard to tell in Oman really). She was sitting in the mountains drinking tea with her family and then she fainted and that was it! Declared dead upon arrival by the doctors on duty at Sultan Qaboos Hospital's emergency room.
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It was a great shock to the family and to everyone who knew her. Coming from a Muslim society that doesn't believe in autopsies, she was buried immediately after sunrise the next day and we will never know what killed her. I suppose in some ways it's good, but in others it means no closure, especially for her grieving children and husband.
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In Dhofar, people tend to deal with death differently than other societies. We do not encourage breaking down or crying or depression. It's an event thagt the entire community gets involved in and you can be sure that if you've lost someone you love, you will never be left alone to grieve. Within hours the entire tribe knows about the death and it 's common that the close men (for men) and women (for women) wash the body of the deceased and wrap it in white cloth. Often the body is buried before the next prayer. So, if a person died at 2 p.m, they'll try to bury him/her before sunset. This is why it is of extreme importance to spread the word when a person has died so as many people as possible attend the funeral. Thank God for cell phones!
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In my case, the woman passed away around 11 p.m so it was impossible to bury her by sunrise since nothing was open and it would be hard to find people, so they buried her at the noon prayers. Women don't go to the graveyard in Oman; not on the funeral day. Funerals last for three days in Salalah (some mountain tribes make it shorter) but the purpose of the three days is to read the entire Quran from cover to cover. On the final day, called the 'khatam' or the end, it marks the last chapter of the Quran and the end of the funeral. Life must go back to normal after that.
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I went to the funeral for the entire three days. I wore my brightest thobe buthail (as it's taboo to wear black to a funeral here) and joined the hundreds of other women in the house of the deceased. I sat with her daughters and comforted them. I helped serve tea and fruit to women. It was all very peaceful and quiet except for the bloody funeral wailing.
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I'm ashamed to say that some families here still practice funeral wailing when someone dies. A group of women (who hardly even know the deceased) will sit in the middle of the funeral gathering and wail like banshees for an hour or two then leave. It's an ancient pagan way of mourning and is anti-Islamic but these women aren't educated enough to know that. I personally found it very disturbing and so did the children of the woman who passed away, poor souls. Anyway, I don't have much time to write but I'm interested to know what funerals are like in your families (if you're from Salalah), your village/country/culture? How do you mourn the dead? What are your rituals? Do you feel it's taboo to discuss the dead person at their own funeral like they do here? TELL ME!

13 comments:

  1. Our funeral rituals are the same. Word is spread as soon as someone passes over. Family, neighbours are the first people to arrive. Everyone is there to offer their support and help. We do the burial ASAP! And on the 3rd day, the khitma, though some pple might choose do something on the 7th, the 40th, well, you get my drift. Some people just let it go on and on. We do have the *wailers* though its very discouraged. I remember when my grandfather passed away, after maghrib prayers, when it was only family at home. We did sit and speak about him. He had lots of grandchildren and great-grandchildren who truly loved him. sf

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  2. PS: Sorry about your relative's death. May Allah bless her soul. sf

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  3. Interesting. Sounds like Irish funeral rites (wailing) bright coloured clothing ect excepting of course the Islamic traditions surrounding. Everything Pagan in Salalah reminds me of Ireland's pagan customs.

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  4. well back in malaysia, it depnds with the family, if a person died on monday, he/she might b burried the next day because, they prefer the whole family(close 1) to b around, we will surah yaseen, some cries, but i dislike those who talk about the dead during the funeral, i feel that they don't respect the dead at all.

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  5. Hello Nadia, i'm from Muscat.. :P My cousin's husband's mother died a few weeks ago from cancer.. she was around 50 years old.. Anyways, the funeral happened at night.. It was my first time going to a funeral and i was quite excited because i've never seen a dead body in my life.. When i arrived to the gate, i could hear from the house, women wailing like banshees it was that loud.. LOL love that metaphor.. My father and I were escorted to the guest house where we had to wait for 2 hours for the women to say their goodbyes and also wait for the body to be cleansed and taken to the nearest mosque.. We went to the mosque and prayed for the body. After, relatives carried the body to the graveyard.From that point on, everything was boring.. people were hovering around the gravesite, some were crying others watched silently as the body was carefully lifted and placed into the grave.. My father and I left early because it was too late.. I wasn't crying, i was curious because it was a new experience for me..

    PhantomX

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  6. Am sorry to hear that - May she rest in peace.

    Tell me about wailing, some women believe that it's a perfect way to show your support to the deceased person's family. And you just can't stop them!

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  7. I am the BIGGEST wuss when it comes to funerals - whether it be here or back in the U.S.

    Here in Muscat, I've never experienced 'professional wailers' - no need, really because the women in the family surely got that part covered.

    To me, funerals are raw and real and so personal, if that makes sense. The hardest one for me was walking hand in hand with an aunt as she made her way outside to say her last good-bye to her husband. My heart ached for her and her children. When the grandmother of the family passed away, I sat at her head before she was taken to be washed. Broke my heart too.

    Funerals are hard here. News spreads fast within the family, usually. And since people are buried literally while their bodies are warm (as they say), you gotta get there quick if you want to say your last good-byes. For three days, women gather in the family home and come by the hundreds. They sit like sardines all throughout the house and its impossible for you to give your condolences to the closest relatives because they sit on the floors. The expense paid for the food provided for the lunch and dinner are extreme. RO1500 per day in one family member's funeral I was at. Such a burden to the family, if you ask me, but when you think about it - funerals aren't cheap in the west either.

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  8. OMG.. Dhofari funerals with women wailing brings back bad memories..

    I really wish that wailing thing stops. I don't understand how making thoes sounds will make the greavers feel better!!

    Sheesh...

    Losing a mother so suddenly with knowing the rasons of her death is frustrating (to me), hopw her children will be able to cope with her death and I hope their father doesn't take the oppertunity to re-marry (in the sake of "the children needs a mother" kinda thing).

    Take care.

    D385

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  9. We have much wailing at funerals back in india too, group of strange women wailing is the last thing i want @ my funeral.

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  10. last one I went to it was pretty calm for the first part, people talked, my aunt broke down, the body was put to rest then stolen.... found and was lost on the way back... bloody police... besides the grave robbing it went really well, well as well as can. The one before that, my Grama was laid to rest in an unmarked grave in her home town. People gathered and talked ate food. I think if a wailer showed up my family would lynch them.

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  11. Ya I know! Like what type of person would do that, we did not know till an officer contacted us. Weirdest call ever, I think it is the weirdest thing to ever happen. The person was never cot, the theory was as long as we have the remans back that was enough. ... well what is not settled here will be in the hereafter.

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  12. Salam alaikum, actually its forbidden to have anyone wailing at your funeral and the deceased may be punished because of it.

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