My Belated Women's Day Post

Goodness I've been lazy. I have notes written all over the place for the blog, but then I get sucked in to the 'holy-shit-the-world-is-falling-apart' mode and I lose the will to live. Is anyone else feeling this? I find it so difficult to blog about 'Salalah' when so many major things are happening in the world. The refugee crisis, climate change,Orange Face, women's rights, Syria, etc etc. Is it right to be sucked in regularly? Is it selfish to want to switch off? Am I doing enough? Am I not doing enough? 

Last week I felt the feminist blogging fire erupt after Salalah launched its first 'Ladies Mall'. Yes, a LADIES mall. And guess what? The photo in the newspaper of the opening showed men cutting the red ribbon surrounded by an arch of pink balloons. Not a woman in the photo. A 'men's initiative' apparently. I asked around. 

I was so pissed off. There are so many wrong things about this. Is this what we've come to? Men launching a women's mall to brainwash their women into thinking they are independent and respected? Salalah at its best. Herding women into a corner. Encouraging 'entrepreneurship' (i.e. selling frankincense and starting a home-baking business). They're happy to support women as long as it's within the limits they impose. DRIVES ME CRAZY.

Why can't you raise your girls to be strong and smart and sensible? Then you won't have to worry about them 'misbehaving' and you won't have to constantly obsess about how to chaperone them and control them. Treat them like humans from the day they are born and encourage them to be active members of society. 

I know TWO young women who were married off recently in 'arranged marriages'. University-educated women. Smart women. And I know for sure that they weren't entirely happy about it. Imagine! Someone else making life's big decision FOR YOU. As if you aren't capable enough of making your own decision.. . . especially when it comes to choosing a life partner. 

I hired a smart young woman a couple of years ago and during the offer-signing process, her father came to my office demanding to know what her salary would be. I refused to disclose such information and he made such a fuss about it. 'She's my daughter!!! I have every right to know her salary!!! She will be paying me monthly!!!!'. This is what women go through. I know so many women who were forced by their families to take out a loan the moment they got a job. 

A colleague of mine is university-educated, smart, excellent English, hard-working, ... a shining star at work. Constantly taking on new projects and challenging herself. A very serious employee. I predict a managerial position for her in the next 10 years. She's that kind of person. All nice and dandy, right? Except her husband won't 'let' her drive and gets whiny and sulky when she has to travel to Muscat for one or two days business trips (with other females). 

Examples like these are what drive me so mad. Examples like these remind me (and should remind you) that no, it's not all ok in Oman. Muscat may be modern and supportive of women's independence, but the rest of the country has a long way to go. 

There were plenty of people writing about the positive accomplishments in Oman for Women's Day (March 8) but it's not enough to just highlight the good stuff. It's good for SOME people, but a large portion of female society is still fighting for basic rights. The problem isn't legislation alone (marriage, divorce, inheritance.... these laws are so discriminatory, don't get me started). It's families. It's society. It has to start at home. 

If you are reading this and you have young daughters or are close to young girls, please support them. Get them a science kit instead of a barbie doll. Teach them how to rollerblade instead of manicures. Show them a world map. Take them to 'Hidden Figures' instead of princess movies. Buy them books. Tell them they can be whatever they want to be. Tell them they can change the world. They will thrive if they have a support network. Be that support network. 

Over and out for now. 

Nadia. 

To Marry or Not to Marry

I know the title sounds like Gucci is contemplating marriage, but the post is not about Gucci. It's about something that has been frustrating to me these past few weeks. I know I know, I tend to write when I'm mad, frustrated, on a roll, angry. Trust me, these feelings generate good posts. Happy posts just ain't my style unless I'm talking about Onken yogurt or coffee.

So, as someone who works in a relatively senior position where people are constantly trying to convince me that they need to be hired, I am faced with all types of people.

98% of them are absolute losers who are unemployed for a reason. 1% are professionals who are seeking to switch organizations and build their careers. 1% are the incredibly smart fresh-outta-college kids who have great potential but don't realize it yet. I tend to zoom in on this minority. They're the best part of my day. As for the other 98%, if I'm in a normal mood I'll give them no hope and gently end the conversation and hope they leave. If I'm in a good mood I'll give them shit about getting their lives together and give them advice on how to apply for jobs and write a CV. If I'm in a bad mood, I call security. 

Anyway, this post isn't about my job. It's about the types of people who come asking for jobs (the lazy ass college graduates who can't write a CV, the people who don't want to go to college and think they can get a comfortable office job with a high school degree, the people who think their connections will get them a job, the people who think they can charm me into hiring them, the people who use the "we're a charitable case" line, etc. The list is long. Little do they know that large organizations like mine have strict recruitment procedures including psychometric testing, English testing, and in-depth interviews. You don't get hired unless you're human gold. Period. 

Today's post is about a relatively significant percentage of the 98% male trash who come for jobs. Normally their fathers or uncles come (never could figure out why). These are the guys who either never finished college, never started, or finished and have been at home for years doing nothing (like zero). Their parents find a girl for them, and think that by marrying them off they'll somehow magically mature and find a job.

It doesn't work.

I have met SO MANY of these people, it's an epidemic. I don't know if it's the same outside of Dhofar, but we have this shitty terrible habit of arranging marriages at a young age when the guy doesn't have a job. Why do they do it? This is my theory: 

1) The guy graduated (or didn't), has been sitting at home for years sleeping and staying out all night with friends. He's useless. His family are fed up with him. Let's find him a bride in hopes that she'll "straighten him out". (sounds risky to me). 

2) Let the boy complete half his Deen (religion) and get married. It's Islamic. Marriage sex will keep him away from the dark side. God will bless him with a job later. 

3) WE NEED TO PROCREATE. OUR TRIBE IS DWINDLING IN NUMBERS! PANIC!

4) His brothers are getting married, so let's marry him off along with them. Bil Marra. It's cheaper. 

5) If he's married, companies and government are likely to take pity on him and offer him a job. I swear this is the case most of the time. 

I could think of more reasons once I've had my second cup of coffee. 

Anyway, it's the year 2016. Life is hard. We're in the middle of an oil crisis. The cost of living is not what it used to be. Families can't continue to support useless young men who can't get their shit together, let alone married ones. They are expensive (petrol, pocket money, clothes, food, cigarettes), let alone a wife and babies (diapers, milk, bottles, etc etc). Who is supposed to pay for them?! This is why I have so many fathers come to my office asking us to hire their useless sons. They can't pay for them anymore. They're tired. They're frustrated. I often just want to shout at them "Why did you marry them off when they had no means of supporting themselves or their wife/babies?!!!". 

In an ideal world (and in my head), a young man/or woman first finishes high school, then goes to college or university, then spends a year (or two? or more AT LEAST) working, growing up and learning about life and adulthood. THEN get married. First learn about responsibility, about yourself, about bills, about where you want to go in life. Go out, travel, learn, experience. 

Then again, my ideal world is very different from the one I'm living in.

What are your thoughts? 

Nadia. 

Dhofaris Marrying Expats: The Sad Side of the Story

Hello world! Dhofari Gucci is officially out of hibernation now that the tourists have left, the mud isn't as bad, and I can actually go out and enjoy the mountains. The past two days have been rainy, but cheerful nevertheless.

Today's post is about  something I've been meaning to write about for quite some time now. It's a sad topic, and I know victims of this issue may be reading my post, so please forgive me in advance if any of my words hurt you.

After the oil boom in the 1970's in Oman and influenced by the Dhofar Rebellion, many Omani young men from Dhofar were sent abroad to study (by the Government or by the communist revolution) since no institutions for higher education were available in Oman and definitely not in Dhofar at the time (the first university in Oman was established in 1986 - Sultan Qaboos University). These young men (and I refer to men since women were not normally considered for overseas scholarships back then), were sent to places like Cuba, the Soviet Union, and later on to the UK and the USA. 

Naturally, being sent out to the world for the first time away from the conservative gender-segregated society in Salalah meant that these young men discovered beautiful women. To cut a long story short, many Dhofaris married Cubans, Russians, and later on American and British women. 

Many of these men married foreign women and kept the subject of their marriages hidden from their families back in Dhofar since the thought was so taboo, they knew their families couldn't handle it. A lot of these men came back to Dhofar, married their first cousins or a local girl and established a family here in Salalah. They would go back and forth to their foreign wife, keeping each wife hidden from the other. This has happened so many times. I've seen it. I've heard about it. I've helped people through it. 

Anyone who knew Salalah back in the 1980s knows that it was a harsh place, particularly for someone coming from more economically developed countries like the US. Our society is still harsh to women , particularly outsiders, but it was even more harsh back then. Therefore, it is understandable that very few of these Dhofari men would even think of bringing their expat wife to Oman in the first place. So many of them attempted to balance between their wife abroad and their wife at home.

Another set of men  braved society and brought their wives home to Oman. Some tried to adapt, some couldn't, some ran away, some marriages ended badly, and of course ... a handful succeeded.

Now, from my experience with mixed marriages (many of these foreign women have emailed me over the past few years seeking advice ... some who just discovered their husbands had married a cousin, and some who were contemplating marrying an Omani man full of promises), .... so where was I? From my experience with mixed marriages -  the ones involving a Dhofari man marrying a Western women -  most of these marriages don't work.

Sad, but true. They simply don't work. 

This post is exclusively about Dhofar since Muscat is another world. Being a foreign wife married to an Omani in Muscat is much easier and there are plenty of success stories. 

I have seen so many families fall apart. I could list 20-30 if I had to. People close to me. Colleagues. Friends. Family. I've seen ugly battles for custody (mostly won by the man of course - this is Oman after all), I've seen women run away (with or without the children), I've seen some ugly shit. 

From my humble experience on this planet, I will list the reasons why many Dhofari-expat marriages have failed. Then I will list the characteristics of the Dhofari-expat marriages that worked. I do this because I constantly get emails from women mainly who want to marry a Dhofari (most in the USA). If you're contemplating marrying a Dhofari man, please read carefully: 

So why do many Dhofari-Expat marriages fail? 

1. When a Dhofari man studies abroad and falls in love with a girl (say... in Portland for example), he's going to be charming, funny, handsome, and most likely he'll try to avoid talking about his family and societal pressure in Dhofar. He's not going to tell the girl about his family's expectations that he will marry a cousin. He's not going to tell her that he's 'already' married to a cousin. I'm not saying all of them do this, but many do. 

2. He's probably going to have a completely different personality than the one he has at home in Dhofar. Men here play a particular role in public. They put on a completely different face. Our culture doesn't promote individuality or personal interests. 

3. Our society in Dhofar is dismissive of outsiders, be it someone from another part of Oman or someone from another country (or even another tribe!! Been there, done that). We are proud and very tribal, often stupidly so. Dhofari society does not welcome strangers into the family. Most of them don't. Some families do (they remain a handful)

4. From a western perspective, Dhofari society can be described as 'dismissive of women'. Men are always in charge. Men are in control. Women play a secondary role. Unless the Dhofari husband is very liberal (very few of them actually living in Salalah), usually the wife is shocked. 

5. When a Dhofari man is brave enough to bring his expat wife home, the woman is usually shocked by the way of life. Quite often, the man hasn't given her enough information or details on what life is really like at this end of the country. Dhofaris aren't very good at going into personal details. It's not part of the culture. 

6. There is very little privacy in Dhofar if you're married to a Dhofari. People will constantly be sticking their nose in your personal life. If you can't handle it, think again. If you want an independent life, you want to raise your kids your own way, you want them to speak your language, you want privacy? Don't come to Salalah unless you're a very strong person willing to stand up and fight for what you believe in. 

7. Family roles and expectations here are very high. There is very little respect for your own private life, your private plans with your family, etc. Expectations are that you/your husband will attend family funerals, weddings, gatherings, and that people can drop by at your house whenever they wish. If you try to object, they'll be offended. Men here WILL not and CANNOT stand up to their families. I've seen it.  

8. The dress-code. If you don't already wear an abaya and cover your hair, rest assured that society won't leave you alone until you put on a black abaya and cover up. It's their way or no way. I'm not saying it's right, but it's reality. I've seen foreign wives forced into the face  veil as well and gloves. Hidden behind closed doors, told to be demure and quiet. 

9. Once you're pregnant, you're stuck. The law in Oman does not protect you if you get a divorce and want your child. From my experience with some ugly divorces here, the Omani husband always wins custody. The law does not protect you if you are a foreigner and your children are Omani. 

10. It is very difficult to make friends here, particularly if you're married to an Omani. He/his family will be very picky about where you go to make friends. Expat meetings at  local hotel? Forget about it! Meeting someone in a cafe? highly unlikely. I tell you, society is harsh. 

11. Your husband will be constantly 'needed' by family members, friends, relatives, etc, etc. Want him to spend a lot of time with you? It's difficult here. 

12. Relatives will also always be wanting money. All...the...time. 

13. If you're a Muslim revert/convert and you've come to Oman with your Dhofari husband to be in a Muslim society, you will probably become irritated by many things practiced in society that are contradicting Islamic teachings. 

14. There will always be a risk of him taking on a second,third, fourth wife.

15. There is very little compromise. Your upbringing and your history and your traditions have little or no value here. 

Do I sound depressing? Maybe I do. But, truly, I'm writing this post to help you. If you are contemplating marrying a man from Dhofar, make sure you really know him. Ask to come to Oman and meet his family. Judge their reaction. Get a feel of Salalah. Discuss the important issues (listed above). 

If you are a strong and confident person  who is able to adapt to a harsh culture and who is ready to fight for what you believe in and stand up for your own life, then good luck. Otherwise, think again.

I am not proud of everything listed above. I'm not proud of how harsh and horrible our society has been to some foreign wives. It's sad. I'm writing this to help anyone who needs help. I don't want to see another shattered wife torn away from her children. Really I don't.

Now..... the success stories.

Naturally, there is a silver lining to each problem. There are of course, a handful of successful marriages involving a Dhofari man and an foreign woman. I have met some of them. I know some very well. I have seen happy marriages. 

From my experience, Dhofari-foreign marriages work when (in no particular order)...:

1. They live in Muscat or anywhere outside of Salalah. (a major factor) 

2. The man is ready to compromise. 

3. The man is usually liberal.

4. The man is ready to stand up for his marriage. 

5. The woman takes an interest in understanding the history/culture of Oman. 

6. The man doesn't immediately try to enforce his traditions/dress-code/beliefs/lifestyle on the foreign wife. 

7. They take it step by step.

8. They make it clear to family members and relatives from the very beginning that they want their privacy to be respected. It won't be easy, but it's possible. It needs to be done gently. 

9. Expectations are clear from the beginning. 

10. The wife arrives in Oman knowing exactly what is waiting for her.

11. There is clear agreement from the beginning about things like the idea of multiple marriages, languages spoken at home, circumcision of children, privacy, whether or not the woman will wear hijab, whether she will work, whether you'll be living with the in-laws, etc. If you figure this stuff out from the beginning, your chances of success are much higher. These discussions should happen before you think of having kids. 

So, that's the end of my schpeal on foreign marriages. I'm fully aware of the fact that many people won't agree with me. However, I remind you that I have lived through many horrible marriages with close friends who ended up marrying Dhofaris. Or, some Dhofari guy or other has sought me out at the end to 'talk to his wife' and 'be her friend' and maybe convince her not to leave. They think it's so easy. Well, it's not. 

If you have more points to add to the bad list or the good list, let me know and I'll add them.

Yours from rainy Salalah

Nadia 

A Twisted Kind of Love

No, this isn't the post I was referring to earlier. That one is still cooking. Today's post is the result of an 'Aha!' moment I had yesterday morning when a wonderful human being (you know who you are) enlightened me with one sentence that suddenly made sense. It all started with me ranting on as usual about people in Dhofar interfering in each others' business non-stop and continuously bombarding you with unwanted advice. 

I'll give you an example. Recently I was at Carrefour in Salalah in the home section ... in the corner where the annoying voice attracts you with 'Everlock! The solution to all your problems! The suction cup system that holds and holds and holds....'. Yes, that corner. 

As I was attempting to choose a few boxes to store my ever-growing pile of papers, notes, musings, and writing... I heard someone approach me. High heels. I stuck my head deeper into the boxes hoping whoever it is walks by without recognizing me. You see, I'm not very social. I don't like to be out in public particularly in shopping malls or supermarkets unless it's at 9:00 am on a Friday morning (as Travelallergy so very well knows since we tend to shop at the same time). 

Anyway, I wasn't lucky. The heels stopped two feet away from me and I hear the usual "Nadia? Are you Nadia?". I look up and see a woman in a burqa (face veil). I smile politely and nod my head. She immediately sticks both her hands out and takes my right hand in both of hers. 

Weird Woman: "Nadia?? It's you? Daughter of X and X? Cousin of X and X?"

Me: "Yes, that's me. I'm sorry I don't recognize you. Who are you?"

Weird Woman: "Did you sister get married recently?"

Me: "Uh, yes. Who are you again? Sorry I didn't get your name..."

Weird Woman "Oh, but she's younger than you, no?"

Me "Um, yeah"

Weird Woman "You know Nadia, everyone knows that you studied abroad and are independent and everything, but you really shouldn't see marriage as an obstacle to your life .."

Me: (by then I'd given up finding out who she was) "Don't worry. Insha'allah everything will be fine"

Weird Woman "Yes, but you've reached an age where you need to start making sacrifices and getting married. You can't let past experiences or other people's experiences stop you from getting married"

Me: "Um, ok?"

Weird Woman "Look at your cousin X and sister Y. They rejected the idea of an arranged marriage at first. But look at them now, they're settled and content"...

Me: "Um, thanks. I'm kind of in a hurry to meet someone in ten minutes, so..."

Weird Woman "Really, you should open your mind to marriage. It's time. Stop being difficult. The more independent you get, the fewer men you'll get. It's not worth it"

Me: "Ok, well thanks. See you around" 

I walk away fuming and thinking to myself "who the hell does she think she is? I don't even know her! she didn't even give me her name!!! I HATE THIS TOWN"  as I pull out my emergency packet of Dettol wipes (I have OCD and can't stand the idea of someone holding my hand ...I had to disinfect immediately)

If you think that conversation that took place was weird and completely rude, then you're probably an expat. In Dhofar it's completely normal. People do it to each other every day ... all day. And if you're an expat living in Salalah they probably do it to you too. (why don't you wear an abaya? It will make you more beautiful. Why not wear makeup?  Teacher, you should do this or eat this or wear this, etc, etc) 

In that past one week alone, I've been told to wear the veil, stop driving, become more demure, wear more makeup, wear less makeup, get married, not get married, eat, not eat, lose weight, not lose weight, etc, etc. 

It's insane.

It drives me crazy.

And there's nothing I can do about it.

Another example, one of my cousins got married to a girl who is slightly darker than he is. The girl is extremely pretty and wears makeup to match her skin color (i.e. not Marylin Manson white please click on that link). At a family lunch, a bunch of women approached the groom's sisters and proceeded to inform them that they NEED to advise their new sister in law to wear more makeup because it's shameful to be darker than the groom. 

Yes, they had the nerve to approach the family with serious faces with serious advice concerning something that is none of their business. 

Here's three main points one needs to keep in mind before telling a Dhofari to 'F*** Off' if they offer unwanted advice: 

(1) They really do believe from the bottom of their hearts that they're doing you a FAVOR. 

(2) They give you advice because this society is all about conformity. They want you to be just like them. Take it as a compliment.

(3) When they interfere in your business and ask you personal questions and insist that you answer them, it's because they're looking for flaws in your life that they can help make better. 

(4) They do it out of love.

Ok, so you're probably thinking I've gone nuts. But I haven't. Yesterday morning I was sipping coffee with that wonderful person and complaining to them about someone else who keeps offering advice and telling me what I'm doing wrong (everyday, all day). The wonderful person (we'll call him W.P) chuckled and said "But Nadia, it's a form of love". 

I stopped for a moment and looked at him blankly. Love? What love? Telling me I need to start wearing the burqa is a form of love? Telling me I'm too liberal and I need to calm down is a form of love? Telling me I shouldn't be driving is a form of love? Telling me I should make myself whiter is a form of love? What the heck was he talking about?

Then, when I let it sink in for a little bit I realized he may be right. They don't do it because they're horrible, nosy and rude people. They do it because it's their way of expressing caring. When you live differently, they worry about it. It keeps them awake at night. They want everyone to be the same (collectivism at its best). They feel comfortable and secure when everyone around them lives the same way they do. Dhofaris are terrified of change. They want society to remain the same. When someone tries to do something different they stick out like a sore thumb. Society then does its best to correct that by offering advice. 

This isn't an affectionate society. It isn't a society where people openly express love or their feelings. Hell no. People here express their love in different ways. When someone dies they'll be the first people at the funeral helping to get things organized. When you get married, they'll support you. And most of all, they'll offer advice. On everything and anything. 

It drives private people like me CRAZY. But if I look at it from a different perspective, it becomes easier to handle. 

So thank you W.P for phrasing it like you did. It's a form of love.

Oh well.

Nadia. 

Bitterness.

Why yes, my last post was on January 20th. And yes, about a MILLION things have happened since then. I was planning a post on Saturday March 8th to mark International Women's Day. But then horrible things happened that made me despise the way women are treated in Oman sometimes, so I put that post on hold. I didn't want to vent 'on' women's day itself otherwise I'll get harassed by all the Oman internet trolls who have nothing else to do and who keep accusing me of spreading Oman's dirty laundry to the 'expats'. Well, why should we hide? Problems don't get solved unless you bring them out into the open and talk about them. I can't become a renaissance spokesperson who assures the world that things are peaches and cream in Oman as usual. Life isn't peaches and cream anywhere. And I'm not anyone's spokesperson. I'm Nadia. A blogger. A fierce feminist in the works. Someone who feels more comfortable highlighting issues through writing. I'm not a social person. But I'm strong-willed and determined to improve the situation of women in Oman, in whichever way I can. Blogging is only one aspect of my life. I do a lot more. And I will do a lot more until I feel satisfied in my old age that I have contributed to the empowerment of women in my conservative society (Dhofar). 

Several incidents over the past two months have caused me to grow very bitter at times. These incidents involve ill-treatment and disrespect towards women close to me. I have tossed and turned in bed for nights on end with a heavy heart. Sometimes I think things are improving, then society turns around and slaps me in the face to remind me that shit still exists for women. I'm lucky, but many women around me are not. Forced marriages, social-pressue, in-law abuse, control-freaks, etc etc etc. Salalah is not going to change fast. 

I will try to write when I am not so bitter... not so angry. I will try to be objective and less furious in my writing. It is difficult but I will try.

Until then, I hope you forgive me for not writing everyday like I used to. I'm working full time and completing an additional degree. It's not easy. I had to prioritize. Few months and I'll be back to normal. 

Yours from my quiet corner in Dhofar, 

Gucci 

To Discuss or Not to Discuss?

A few days ago I just happened to be in an office with a few colleagues (male) after a meeting and one of them joked about Oman being ranked second in the Arab World  for women's rights, etc. Yes I can personally attest to the fact that Oman is an awesome place for women... BUT, that doesn't at all mean we can pretend problems don't exist (a technique we all know so very well). Since they brought it up, I started pointing out that there are definitely things that require improvement in Oman.. but that we're on the right track.

 

They casually told me that nothing requires improvement and that Oman and Islam have granted women every right they need. I started listing the things that I felt stood in the way of female empowerment in Oman (Examples: the right to marry/divorce, freedom of movement, the right to marry a non-Omani, and the huge societal pressures that block women from living the life they want... particularly in conservative areas of Oman like Dhofar).

 

These colleagues I was talking to are western-educated and spent a considerable amount of time abroad. They see themselves as 'open-minded' and 'liberal'. Both had girlfriends their 'abroad lives' and female friends, etc, etc. You know, the typical Omani scenario. But they came home to Oman, married their first cousin, and live completely traditional lives.

 

To my horror, they flipped and point-blank accused me of promoting 'Western ideologies' in Dhofar and warned me of how dangerous it is. To them, women in Dhofar shouldn't be working and mixing with men because "a little freedom will lead to huge corruption" (an exact quote). To them, a woman's place is at home because if she works, her children will be raised badly. To them, allowing women to drive means giving them the freedom to date and move around as they like (the horror!). To them, promoting women's right to divorce is absurd (currently an Omani man can divorce his wife in court without her knowing, and the court doesn't even bother to make sure she knows - same goes with marriage). To them, female empowerment will 'destroy society'.

 

So, yes Omani legislation may grant women their 'rights' (Oman ratified CEDAW in 2005 with reservations on several articles not in line with Islamic Sharia law) but in Oman, I've said it and I'll say it again "Society is more powerful than the law". If your brother or father or uncle or husband decides you can't work, then forget any dreams of working. If they decide you're not allowed to study, then forget about it. If they don't let you drive, then you don't drive. If they don't let you go anywhere without a chaperone, then you aren't going anywhere. The list is long, but this is how our girls in Salalah live. This is their reality.

 

These men told me that girls aren't 'trustworthy' or 'responsible' enough to be given freedom. THEY SAID THAT. I asked them why; they answered that this is how women are. I told them if they raised their daughters differently things will change. They said society will never change. I disagreed.

 

These men at work accused me of 'living in an unrealistic bubble' and 'promoting western ideologies'. Since when has making my own choices in life been a western and unrealistic ideology? I humor society by being timid and quiet in public, by wearing the black abaya, by attending the social gatherings required of me.... etc. Yet I still have the freedom (thanks to my family) to work, drive, travel, run my own errands, and make my own decisions. They raised me differently. I told my colleagues that this is possible for all girls. Change is possible, if slow.

 

The conversation took a turn for the worse when they told me that my ideas were un-Islamic and that Islam grants women full dignity 'within the four walls of her home'. I chose to end the conversation at that since I don't want to delve into any discussion of Islam with people who have mixed up cultural values with Islamic ones. My Islam is different. My faith in God is strong, but I am not afraid of using my head to challenge myself and the traditions I grew up with.

 

As you can see, the conversation with these colleagues upset me. It ruined my mood for the rest of the day and had me thinking. Deep inside me I know change is coming and that it's possible to live life to the fullest without giving up religious values. I don't agree with the current lives girls live in Salalah, a life dictated by 'society' and 'what will people say', and when the girls attempt to challenge society then religion is brought in as the final force to shut these girls up and keep them behind closed doors.

 

So.... no, things aren't all peaches and cream in Oman.

 

I'm sorry for sounding so negative, but that whole discussion left me with a sinking feeling in my stomach. It was a reminder of the society I live in.

 

Sigh.

The Dreaded Maghboor

Only Dhofaris would understand what this post is about just by reading the title. A slight warning, this post is a mini-rant, not an objective analysis of social customs.

 

In Dhofar, the word 'Maghboor' مغبور or 'Maghbair' مغبير is a term that every man has to live with... every month from the moment his friends start to get married till the day he dies.

 

As many of you know from my previous posts about the south of Oman, Dhofari weddings are quite an event. A typical scenario will involve a young man telling his mother he wants to get married. She will turn on her 'bride radar' and get to work (along with all the aunts and sisters) to find a suitable bride. She will start visiting relatives with eligible daughters. She will attend more and more weddings of distant relatives just to see how the unmarried girls look like in dresses. Naturally, unmarried girls spend ages preparing for weddings anyway in order to catch the attention of future mothers-in-law.

 

Once the bride has been chosen, the mother and aunts will make contact with the prospective bride's mother and aunts. The women will work it all out between themselves and then the men will finally be informed. The groom's father or uncle (or the groom himself) will call the prospective bride's father to ask for his daughter's hand in marriage. The father will graciously tell him that he has to ask his daughter. Both parties pretend the women haven't figured out all the logistics beforehand. Father asks daughter, she agrees, a dowry and wedding date is set, then the son goes back to his father to figure out expenses.

 

Now ... this brings us to the Maghboor part. Assuming the girl's father asked for a dowry of OMR 6000, and it will cost the son perhaps OMR 10,000 to set up his 'room' and fix some things in the house(decoration, fancy hideous furniture, perfume cupboard stocked with the world's most expensive bukhoor, etc, etc). Add on the actual wedding expenses which usually involve renting a hotel ballroom  for 400 women ... that's around OMR 4000. Then the men's wedding involves slaughtering a handful of innocent cows, drinks, halwa, coffee, tent, rice .... (meh... another OMR 6000).

 

Do the math. It's about 26,000-30,000 Omani Rials. That's what it costs to build a small house, buy three cars, or four bachelor degrees at Dhofar University. All so you can live in a little bedroom with a girl you don't really know.

 

So how do they fund this? Well, .... that's where the Maghboor comes in.

 

On the actual men's wedding day (often a few days before the women's wedding when the bride actually gets to see his dolled up wife for the first time), men from far and wide will come to the tent to congratulate the groom and pay the 'maghboor'. Several hundred (or thousand) men will come to the men's tent and after greeting the groom and his family will head to the table where a man (usually a relative) sits with a big blue notebook and a box. A guest will pay anything from OMR 10 to two or three hundred rials, and the book-keeper will put the man's name down and the amount next to his name. By the end of the day, the groom sometimes ends up with anything from OMR 5000 to 20,000 cash paid by all his relatives and friends. That ends up covering most of the wedding costs. Distant relatives will pay around 20 rials. Close relatives will pay 100 each usually.

 

Awesome system, right?

 

Maybe not.

 

Sometimes I think it's a great social investment... but then again, you keep that darned blue book in your home forever and ever. Whenever any of the people who paid towards your wedding get married (or their sons or cousins or whoever), you have to go to their weddings and pay the same amount they paid towards you or more. It's all fine and dandy until you end up having to attend weddings every single month. It ends up being like a life-long loan towards society.

 

A friend of mine had to go to SIX WEDDINGS last week. He spent 400 rials in one day paying towards weddings. He's only 28. Is it fair? Is it worth it?

 

Even stranger, some town tribes do the same with women. Women hand money over to the mothers of the groom at the women's wedding.

 

All this money being passed around each month. Everyone in debt. Everyone struggling to keep up with these traditions. But stop for a minute and think about our friend the groom who spent all that money but all he has left is a little bedroom with a set of furniture and hideous décor (and a wife on the side). No everyone gets enough Maghboor to cover a large chunk of the weddings expenses. Someone I know spent 35,000 rials on his marriage but only got OMR 8000 out of the men on the wedding day.

 

Is this system logical anymore? If I were a man spending 26,000 on a wedding, I'd invest it in something that will last (like a home..... or a honeymoon?). Oh, I forgot the honeymoon. If a groom decides to take his wife to the usual spots (Thailand or Malaysia) then that adds even more expenses.

 

All the girl has to do is receive her dowry, spend it on things she doesn't need to impress people she doesn't even know. Thobes, abayas, gold, perfueme , bukhoor, etc. She then has to spend months oiling and dolling herself up for her 'husband'. That's all she does.

 

Somewhere in there is a lot of unfairness and a lot of  illogical expectations. If everyone in Salalah were to secretly vote on this, I'm willing to bet they're all ready to ditch these traditions. Times are hard, life is more expensive, and its just not feasible anymore to keep up with these traditions. Men spend an average of anything from 100 to 1000 a month on weddings. Surely that money could go somewhere better? Savings perhaps?

 

The reason I'm ranting is because I was made to pay towards a wedding of some distant relative because it was 'duty'. I've never even met this relative and never even went to the wedding.

 

Your thoughts?

Disturbing Propaganda in our Schools

Recently, I walked into Lulu Hypermarket in Dhofar only to see this huge banner hanging between the two escalators. It goes something along the lines of:

 "A Muslim woman's dress is not something to fool around with. It is not something for designers to play with. It is religion and it is identity. It is a woman's way to God. As the Prophet's (PBUH) said, the scantily dressed do not go to heaven and won't come anywhere near it".  How can we lose heaven over a piece of clothing?".

There were other posters as well. As a Muslim woman who covers from head to toe and whose abaya is baggy enough for an army, I found the posters extremely offensive. In fact, referring to these posters as 'Islamist propaganda' isn't far fetched. I refer here to 'Islamism', not 'Islam'. Islamism has several definitions but it can be defined as a set of ideologies holding that "Islam should guide social and political as well as personal life". 

I had intended to blog about this earlier but decided against it. However, yesterday I was speaking to a concerned teacher at a local high school who claims this 'Covering-up-is-the-only-way-to-God' campaign (officially called "Be a Queen" campaign) has reached her school. The infiltration of the school system by these people (whoever they are - Salalah Men's Sports Club is one of the sponsors) telling young girls that following a certain dress code is the only way to God is DISTURBING. Surely parents/families are responsible for their own child's religious education and spiritual upbringing. The campaign has been endorsed by the Ministry of Education since it's being publicly discussed on their forum.

Their intentions are probably very good and they think they're paving their own way to heaven by promoting their campaign. However, instead of telling young girls to live in fear of hell and punishment and telling them they're 'wanted' by all men therefore they must cover up, and telling them dressing in BLACK (which is in NO WAY Islamic and only appeared in Dhofar in the 70s from the Iranian revolution and influence from Saudi Wahhabism)... instead of telling our girls to hide, be demure and not interact with the other half of humanity, what happened to raising strong girls who KNOW what's right? Girls who believe in being a good person? Girls who aren't shy to be out in society doing good? Girls who are proud of their religion and identity? Proactive girls? Why must it always be a fear factor?

This form of control, brainwash, and this focus on shallow shallow shallow aspect of one's personal life in the name of religion has NO PLACE in my Islam. (By shallow I refer to all the petty discussions of whether dying one's hair is haram, and whether wearing colours are acceptable, and whether it's against God to pluck one's eyebrows or wear heels or go shopping for heaven's sake. In fact, I was told by a male cousin that I should cover my face when going to the mosque because someone 'saw me' getting out of my car and walking into the grand mosque in broad daylight and that as a Muslim woman I should be humble and demure!!!!!!!!). Why the obsession with women?

GRRRRR.

Omani Women's Day 2012

Ah.... Women's Day. Three men actually congratulated me today on the achievements of women in Oman. Another two reminded me gently that the role of women lies in the home. I'm having a difficult week filled with sleepless nights, so I wasn't in the mood for arguing. I should have, but I couldn't.

 

To honour Omani Women's Day, I'd like to remind all of you that despite my rants about women's rights and discrimination, the situation in Oman for women has improved SO MUCH in recent years.

 

Another reminder... my fight for women these past three and a half years through this blog hasn't been against the government (there are very few laws discriminating against women in Oman). My fight is against how society perceives women. The culture here doesn't support female empowerment, especially in the south (Dhofar) where I live. My goal is to empower women (in my real life) to start believing they CAN be who they want to be.

 

If you're an Omani woman (or any woman!) and you're reading this, make this your Mantra:

 

1. I CAN be who I want to be.

2. I can drive if I  want to.

3. I can work if I want to.

4. I can choose the career that I WANT (be it an astronaut or a baker)

5. I can own a business.

6. I can travel without a chaperone because I HAVE THE RIGHT to see the world (right, D385?)

7. I can love who I want and marry who I want.

8. I can live a meaningful life.

9. I can step out of my front door and walk around my neighborhood if I want to.

10. I can sing and laugh and run and enjoy life.

11. I have the right to move and be healthy and practice sports.

12. I have an awesome leader (His Majesty Sultan Qaboos bin Said) who BELIEVES in me and all the other women in this country.

13. I can be a Minister, a Lawyer, a teacher, a housewife, a chef ... I can be who I want to be.

14. I can own my own home and control my own funds because I earned them.

15. No one can stop me from achieving my dreams.

16. No one can stop me from achieving my goals.

17. I am beautiful, I am smart, I am talented, and I BELIEVE in myself.

 

Yes, you do. You are beautiful. Every single one of you.

 

Happy Women's day from Gucci, who is curled up in bed with her pink grill shades and a mug of Salalah  tea raised in your honour.

The Cave Dwellers: Dhofar's Collective Identity Crisis

If you remember, several months ago I published the longest post in the world. (more like the longest rant in the world). Today is one of those days. Forgive me if my thoughts seem random, violent, or incoherent. Every once in a while I feel the need for a good rant, hence the existence of this blog. I recommend a strong cup of coffee or tea before you read this. If you think I’m crazy, the least you can do is humor me. I started my grumbling this morning with a good friend (you know who you are) but if I had allowed our SMS conversation to continue, it would have eventually been forgotten and then disappeared into Omantel’s magnificent (and heavily monitored) infinity.

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I was at the wedding of a distant cousin on Thursday where I wore the same ‘thobe’ (traditional dress) that I had worn to another relative’s wedding a couple of months back. I was sitting next to a woman I didn’t recognize (let’s name her Fatma). She stared at me for a good half hour and then finally spoke. This is how the conversation went:
Fatma: You’re X’s daughter?
Me: Yes. And you?
Fatma: Don’t you work?
Me: Yes, I do. Why?
Fatma: So you can afford a new thobe. Why are you wearing an old one?
Me: Excuse me?
Fatma: I saw you wearing this thobe at Y’s wedding in November.
Me: It’s only 3 months old and I’ve only worn it once.
Fatma: But the same people have ‘seen’ you wearing it. What will they say? My husband is not well-off and we have four daughters but even though it’s expensive, all my daughters are wearing new thobes today. We know how to ‘act’ in this society.
Me: How much did you spend on the thobes, makeup, wigs, and henna?
Fatma: What?
Me: HOW MUCH DID YOU SPEND?
Fatma: Over 500 rials.
Me: And you’re convinced that it’s right?
Fatma: Of course. This is society. There’s nothing you can do. You can’t change society.
Me: YES YOU CAN.
Fatma: You think that because you’ve been abroad for too long. My dear girl, you don’t understand anything.
Me: God help you. (and I stood up and left)

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The sheer collectivism that I witness in Dhofar every day is baffling. Most of the time I am able to just keep calm and carry on, but sometimes it just drives me crazy. Why is it that after being back in Oman for over two years, I still haven’t been able to adapt? Or perhaps I never will?

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My dear readers, I hereby accuse Dhofaris (and Arabs in general) of being unable to break out of what I call ‘Dhofar’s Collective Identity Crisis’. A collective identity refers to people’s sense of belonging to a group (Dhofaris). A collective identity forms the identity of the individuals until they are unable (in some cases) to make their own decisions. Sometimes the sense of belonging to a particular group will be so strong (tribalism) that is will undermine other aspects of one’s personal identity.
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George Orwell, a dedicated democratic socialist, believed that collectivism resulted in the empowerment of a minority of individuals that led to further oppression of the majority of the population (in the name of some ideal such as honor or tribalism or whatever… ring a bell? Have you been following the news lately?)

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In our defense, I must state the obvious: we have not been encouraged to think for ourselves. It all starts when we are young. We go to school and are taught to memorize. We spend 12 years memorizing and copying out what the teacher writes on the blackboard. When we get into college, we struggle because we are unable to write our own essays or form our own opinions and theories about anything. To survive, we plagiarize. We take the same courses as our ‘friends’ because we cannot face the idea of attending the classes alone and studying alone. We graduate (barely) and end up getting a job through someone’s wasta. We do what we’re told and nothing more. Then we whine like babies when we don’t get a bonus for being innovative. We watch hours of TV everyday and are fed media crap on a silver plate. We don’t do any thinking in the process.

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We decide to get married when society starts pressuring us (you’re too old – 24- it’s time to get married!). We choose a husband or wife based on what society deems ‘suitable’ (i.e. someone from a ‘good family’ with a ‘good reputation’, ‘good morals’ and ‘good connections’ and preferably lots of money). When you finally get married, you are forced to spend thousands on stupid un-Islamic Dhofari wedding ‘necessities’ in order to be like everyone else, regardless of whether we can afford it or not.

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We wear the black face veil and frequent the same stores, and buy the same things because other people are doing it. Men wear the kumma and dishdasha because guys who wear jeans are considered wild. (not only do we have an identity crisis, but a fashion crisis – a country of black and white).
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We are told that we must pray 5 times a day to avoid going to hell. We go to the mosque and listen to sermons that in most cases are irrelevant to our times. Fathers beat their sons who do not pray. If you’re not seen at the mosque on Friday, people will talk about you. Fear of hell and fear of people. Since when was religion and spirituality built on fear? Islam is a beautiful religion. If we are to truly appreciate it, we must study and contemplate and think and write and discuss and not take things so literally. Fellow blogger and thinker Muawiya is an expert on metaphors. Sadly, most of us are not thinkers. We are followers. We question nothing. As long as we avoid going to hell, we’re cool. We listen to men with long beards in Saudi who thrive on ignorant people like ourselves. We demand fatwas for the simplest of matters like women driving, wearing mascara or whether men can wear shorts. Surely we can decide for ourselves without feeling the need to seek advice from bearded-dudes who threaten us with hell if we follow ‘The West’ (evidently even Brazil, Korea, and Sweden are considered ‘The West’ to our Arab intellectuals). Whatever happened to the days of Ibn Sina, Ibn Tufayl, St. Augustine (who just happened to be Algerian) and others like them? When did we stop thinking?

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Several years ago, us Dhofaris adopted the second head and decided anyone who didn’t wear it was ‘weird’ and unfashionable (Do you know Manal in Grade 12? Who? Oh yeah, the one who doesn’t wear the 3okfa?). Recently, some sheikh in Saudi released a fatwa that is was ‘haram’. Immediately (like chickens), people panicked and forwarded the fatwa to everyone they knew via SMS and email. Our precious 3okfas (2nd heads) are now being discussed endlessly at social gatherings (should we or should we not?). Why do we even DISCUSS such petty things? Does society (collectively) have to ‘decide’ whether ‘we’ (the society) should wear this or that, do this or that, and act in this way or that way?
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I’m looking forward to the grand opening of Salalah’s first shopping mall next year. I’m sure our men will debate endlessly about whether women should be ‘allowed’ to go there on their own. Will we ‘allow’ the women to go to the cinema? Will girls who go bowling be considered sluts? Can we go without the burqa or is that too much? Gosh, it’s going to be so difficult to decide. But we have to make up our minds at some point, so others can follow, right?
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We’re just too comfortable in our own little lives. It’s so easy being a follower. Our sheikhs and tribal leaders make our decisions FOR us. The men in our life pick up on these decisions and implement them in our households. My society decides whether I can walk down the beach in the afternoons, whether I can leave the house alone, whether I can greet male visitors, whether I can go to weddings looking like myself or like a freak show. My society decides that any girl who has her own photo as a profile picture on Facebook has a bad reputation. My society decides.

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Thank Goodness I don’t have to figure it all out myself! Hooray! *insert sarcastic tone*.

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Dammit, people. It’s time to break out of our comfortable cocoon and learn to think for ourselves.
Our isolation from the realities of a bigger and greater world drives me crazy. Dhofaris are not travellers by nature. We stick to the tribe and stick to the homeland. We think we are better than everyone else, so why bother learning about other cultures and people? Most of us don’t really care about the rest of the world. Hell, we don't even like our fellow Omanis up north! Most of the discussions you hear among people in social gatherings or at your regular shisha cafes are simply EMPTY. The latest phone, latest car, cheapest abaya taylor, where to buy land, where to get wasta, whether the government is giving us a bonus, which minister is gay, who is marrying who, which girl was ‘SEEN’ driving a car in which area, what someone wore at a wedding, and what people are saying on the Sabla, etc. Most of us can’t go beyond that.

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In our defense, we have some really interesting thinkers in this town (wonderful people) but they are a MINORITY (right, Ma7feef?). I’m talking about the majority.
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With all the tension in the Middle East lately (fall of the dusty traditionalist Arab empire = hello new world!), I find it’s necessary for each and every one of you Dhofaris to get hip to the happenings. First you must understand what the situation really is about in order to have an opinion. Then for heaven’s sake form an opinion of your own. Do not echo the opinions of others. And do not believe everything you see on TV, or wherever.

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With the revolutionary domino effect that is currently taking place in the Middle East (Arab subjects were significantly more collectivist, so no wonder…), don’t think Omanis aren’t watching. We all want change, but it’s time to realize that change comes from within. Do not be afraid of thinking for yourself. Stand up for your rights and decide what YOU want from life and how YOU want to live. There’s no point fighting unless you know what you’re fighting FOR.

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I’m not saying rebel against the Sultan or the government. They’re not the cause of our problems. The problem with us here in Oman is that we act like children and expect the government to solve all our problems. For example, we criticize the government for not setting up a marriage fund to support ‘troubled young men who cannot afford dowries’ when the obvious solution would be to simply STOP feeding into these pathetic and useless traditions where a girl’s family demands a dowry of 10,000 Rials. Must we spend 2000 rials on frankincense and buhkoor, 2000 on a wedding dress and 4000 on jewelry simply to keep up with what everyone else is going?

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We march and criticize the Sultan and government for not ‘cancelling’ all personal bank loans on the 40th National Day… but why should they be cancelled? Were you forced into taking a loan that you cannot handle? To buy a new 4WD Lexus when you can only afford a used Corolla…. in order to impress others? To build a mansion you don’t need? To apply expensive gypsum to your ceilings and purchase chandeliers for your bedrooms? To fly to Thailand to cure the simplest of ailments? To make sure you have the latest phone? Why? Because we MUST be like ‘everyone else’. Dhofaris have a terrible habit of living above their own level of income. Every family is in debt. It’s shameful. If you don’t have the money, don’t spend it. There’s no shame in saying ‘I can’t afford this’!

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Don’t blame the government or the Jews or the Americans. Blame yourselves. Start at the bottom. Change the way YOU live. Start making your own decisions. Forget about what people ‘think’. Make your own decisions. Break out of the habits that you’ve been stuck with for so long.
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In the conversation this morning with my friend, we touched upon Plato’s Allegory of the Cave (a little heavy for early morning conversation, but nevertheless….). If you’re unfamiliar with Plato – one of the great ancient philosophers circa 400 b.c - it’s time to slap yourself and start reading. If you’re unfamiliar with the theory I forgive you and here’s all you need to know:

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In the Allegory of the Cave, Plato describes a group of humans who are trapped in a cave (chained to the floor) and facing the back wall of the cave. Behind them is a roaring fire. The world continues normally outside the cave, but these men can only see the shadows on the wall. After some time, they come to believe that these shadows are reality. The brave ones break away from their chains and turn around and see the light and the ‘real world’ but the majority remain in the cave and are content with sitting there in their own little reality. My summary does the theory no justice, so I advise you to look it up and read if you can.
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In the theory, Plato depicts humans as being imprisoned in their own small reality (the cave) with only a fire behind them. They perceive the world by watching the shadows. They do not realize that this existence is wrong and in no way related to true realty. They doesn’t know any better, so who can blame them?
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But what will happen if they suddenly turn around, break out of the chains and step out of the cave into the divine light? (i.e. true reality). What would happen if people became enlightened and free? Some won’t be able to handle it and will run back to the cave (their comfort zone). A few others (leaders) will not be afraid and will venture out and become enlightened. A couple of the kind-hearted ones will go back to the cave to try and educate their prisoner friends but they will be puzzled when they realize that the cave dwellers really don’t want to come out into the light. They prefer the darkness which they have become accustomed to. It baffles the enlightened ones that their cave dweller friends would refuse to acknowledge any truth beyond their current existence in the cave.
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Here were are thousands of years later, and we remain cave dwellers. Most of us Dhofaris (and Omanis?) are stuck in our comfort zones (caves) and don’t want to break out into the unfamiliar. Plato is probably rolling over in his grave.

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However, one thing remains true. A cave dweller who left the cave and then came back to educate his friends will not succeed. Why? Because TRUTH MUST BE EXPERIENCED rather than told. Language fails to convey belief. Language is the barest shadow of reality, yet it is the one weapon our leaders and religious sheikhs use against us. We must experience and see for ourselves what life is all about.

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I can’t help but link Plato’s theory to society here in Salalah. For some reason, most people in our society are followers. We think collectively and act collectively. Anyone who is slightly different is looked down upon. We are expected to dress the same (black for women, white for men), act the same (women are timid and demure and quiet, men are MEN), attend the same events, follow the same rules and always care about ‘what people will say should we dare change’. We are afraid of change and of anything new and different.

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I’m not saying all Dhofaris are isolated and the rest of the world are thinkers but I do believe that there are more cave dwellers in Salalah than there are enlightened individuals.
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Dear Dhofari: Don’t be a cave dweller. God gave you a brain, so use it. Think for yourself. Life is too short. Aspire to be the leader, not the follower.
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I need a cup of tea. I'll come back and review what I wrote in a little while. I know I'm being a little harsh today. Don't criticize me. Humor me. I look forward to your feedback. I need to know what YOU think. Your very own personal opinion.
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Ideas: Collectivism. Groupthink. Identity crisis. Blind followers. Individuality. Cave dwellers. Reality. Tribalism. Hayy Ibn Yaqzan. Ibn Tufayl. Socrates. Plato. Dhofar. Salalah.

You Know You're a Dhofari When .......

(1) You're Loud.

(2) All Dhofaris are related to you one way or another.

(3) You won't go into any store unless you can park right in front of it.

(4) You insert words like 'Ghabz', 'Yakha', and 'Wayahoo' into most of your sentences.

(5) You are recognized as Dhofari wherever you go (women from their Burqas or Pom Poms, and men from the way they walk, their dishdasha style and good looks of course :)

(6) You think you're better than everyone else.

(7) You spend your weekends playing cards on The Garbeeb

(8) All picnics involve beef and red tea.

(9) You attend at least seven weddings during the Khareef season

(10) You spend 100 OMR on wedding makeup (for women) and another 100 to rent a thobe just to attend the wedding of a distant cousin who you don't even like.

(11) At least three or four of your first cousins have asked for your hand in marriage.

(12) You accept (and use) new additions into the Dhofar vocabulary like 'Haraqni'.

(13) Men tilt their kummas to the side and throw a turban on their shoulders and walk like they own the place.

(14) You have two cell phones.

(15) Mageen (dried meat), Baitha7 (Root veg) and Safeela7 (dried abalone) are gourmet foods.

(16) Your house is always crowded with visitors.

(17) You have Wasta. Lots of it.

(18) Everyone in your family has a bank or car loan.

(19) Everything is '3aib' (not proper).

(20) You drink tea all day long.

(21) Fat & white (for women) is beautiful.

(22) You're always on the lookout for a bride for one of your brothers.

(23) Your nickname for Omanis who are not Dhofari is 'Mishkak'. (And so I met a mishkak the other day and he said ....)

(24) You believe soccer is more important than work and/or exams (in fact, everything in your life is more important than work and studying)

(25) Everyone in your family is called Mohammed, Ahmed, Ali, Salim, Said, Tufool, Mahad, Khair, Khiyar, Mezoon, Fatma, Noor, Bakhit, and Muna.

(26) Your father owns at least two guns.

(27) You own at least 10 Kammashas if you're a woman, and at least 5 tassled turbans if you're a man.

(28) At least one member of your family was involved in the Dhofar Rebellion in the late 1960s and early 1970s.

(29) Turmeric is used as a cure for everything.

(30) You drink Mountain Dew for breakfast, lunch and dinner

(31) You pour hot sauce over everything.

(32) No meal is complete without rice

(33) No rice is complete without a dollop of Qatmeem or 'Saman' (ghee)

(34) You only go shopping at night

(35) You attend at least two weddings and two funerals a month.

(36) You can't stay still when 'Madar' music is on. I swear it's true.

(37) You own at least 20 bottles of perfume

(38) You realize parking lots are the best place to play cards.

(39) You think you know everything about world politics.

(40) You think the coolest thing to do in town is hang out on the corniche in Al Haffa.

(41) You go to Khairat Al Janoob every month to stock up on all beauty necessities.

(42) when polishing cars in a parking lot becomes a routine social gathering

(43) Your women are never officially 'seen' by any strange males.

(44) You swear you'll divorce your spouse if your guests don't have 2nd or 3rd helpings of food.

(45) Your family owns at least one Toyota Land Cruiser.

(46) You don't feel the need to indicate when switching lanes.

(47) You ...

(48) You ....

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Inspired by a group on Facebook, I've added my own list. This post is dedicated to my favorite reader who calls himself 'SO LONG ... AHMED'. Dear Ahmed, if you're reading this, make your own additions to my list.

End of December

So you haven't been hearing from me as often as I would like, but what can I do? After the laze of summer, monsoon, Ramadhan and Eid Al Fitr, things got crazy at work and in my personal life. Everything was postponed till 'After Eid Al Fitr'. And so I've been killing myself trying to get my life (and my colleagues) back into shape. Just as things began to get organized, we were hit with yet more holidays and we have another week of holidays next week. I know holidays are great for everyone, but this is just insane. You do realize we'll be holiday-less all the way to July 23rd, right? (unless some GCC king or prince dies and we get 3 days to mourn of course!).

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(1) I've been helping one of my relatives through an ugly divorce these past couple of months (which means spending 3 or 4 hours with both sides of the marriage two or three times a week trying to figure stuff out). It's ugly, sad, and uncalled. He's only been married six months but his idea of marriage is totally screwed up. As much as I respect and love my cousin, I think he's crazy. If you're contemplating marriage, don't make mountains out of mole hill.

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(2) Everyone seems to be outraged about the 'most expensive Christmas tree in the world' that has been revealed in Abu Dhabi. Instead of raising hell about a symbol of the Christian holiday being up in a Muslim country, I suggest you raise hell about the cost instead. Evidently the total cost of the ornaments is 11 Million. WTF? Seriously WTF. Dear UAE, If you really wanted to do something to celebrate Christmas, why not do something useful with the 11 million? Like a Charity campaign in the spirit of Christmas or SOMETHING worthwhile.

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(3) If you've got a lot of negative energy and anger that needs to be released, I suggest you send it in the direction of the asshole I'm going to tell you about. A highly education Omani acquaintance of mine (actually, my brother's colleague) decided he wanted to get married. He's 32, so he figured it was time. He owns a house, a business, two cars, 2 degrees, and a cat. He cooks, cleans, and irons his own clothes. He's smart, relatively good looking, and not too short. To sum it up, he's a good catch (or so I thought). I would have considered him myself if it weren't for the fact that I'm .... .... anyway, so he searches high and low for a bride. My brother helps him of course. Finally, the perfect girl is found. She's 26, highly educated, 3 degrees, pretty, smart, independent, and from his hometown (Salalah). Everything is perfect. She is willing to meet him at her office before he comes to officially ask for her hand in marriage. Everything sounds ok up to know, right? So he decides to mess it all up because it's too perfect. He was supposed to visit her in early December. He 'postponed' the visit until mid-December because he claimed he was 'Still asking around about her'. I'm NOT KIDDING. He actually told her family that he couldn't come to ask for her hand in marriage yet because he was still asking around about their reputation. Oh. My. God. Loser. Alert.

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Adding insult to injury, a couple of weeks later he informs her brother-in-law (the initial mediator) that he is not longer interested in her because he discovered her great-grandfather was a slave. I am not kidding, I swear. He decided it was more important to him that his kids come out 'pure'. PURE. He believes if there's any history of slavery in the family, his kids will not live an honorable life. I sat staring at my brother with my mouth wide open as he told me the story. He was as shocked as I was. Has Mr. Asshole looked at a calendar recently? Does he realize WHAT YEAR WE LIVE IN?!!!

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I'm sorry to say I'm still in shock. I haven't fully digested the story yet and I can only hope the poor girl has a sense of humor and is able to laugh at his stupidity and arrogance. What a loser. I was so upset after I heard that story that I stayed awake all night thinking about it. When I finally fell asleep, I dreamed of murdering the guy. Thankfully, I know what he looks like so my dreams were realistic enough. My brother invited him over to the house once a few months ago and I ACTUALLY COOKED SOMETHING FOR HIM. Ugh. I'm outraged. Beyond outraged.

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What do you think?! Is it just me or can this guy be nominated for 'Jerk of the Year Award'?

Oman's female entrepreneurs mean business?

I received this link in my inbox from Google alerts this morning. It's a CNN interview with a Dhofari female entrepreneur, the one and only Mariam Belhaf. As a woman, I know exactly who she is because I'm a fan of her frankincense and bukhoor mixes. She makes a mean oud mix. No idea how CNN got hold of her, though.

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Anyway, just thought I'd highlight one issue here for you. Despite the fact that women in 'Oman' seem to be free, independent, active, strong, leaders, ambassadors, ministers, etc .. keep in mind that most of this progress is IN THE MUSCAT AREA.

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Do not forget that a thousand kilometres South (and in other parts of the interior) women are still (many of them, not all) forced to wear the burqa (face veil), stay at home, hide from the world. Simply because they're women. Although the number of working/driving females is increasing everyday in Salalah, this change has only happened in the past couple of years or so. Society is still heavily male-dominated and yes there is discrimination! Many of us young women are fighting for our rights on a daily basis. AND IT'S NOT EASY. If you live in Muscat, then you have no idea what we go through in other parts of Oman. Re-read my longest post in the world about discrimination against women here if you've got all the time in the world :)

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That's all for now!

Witches on Main Street

The number of veiled female beggar/wackos around Salalah has been on the rise recently. Many of them have GCC accents but claim to be Palestinian, etc. They accost you in supermarkets and start saying prayers very quickly and asking you for help. You're so annoyed by their fast praying that you immediately shove a couple of rials in their hand to get away from them. They then clutch your hand and thank you profusely. You notice their wrists are heavy with gold and they wear expensive perfume. Their faces are covered so you have no idea what they look like. They creep you out and you try to leave the store immediately.
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I've had to deal with them at least ten times in the past month. They usually hang out in expensive abaya or perfume stores. And they certainly lurk around bank machines.

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One of my colleagues claims they're witches and my other colleagues agree. I thought it was odd they should think that (they look like gold-wearing beggars to me!). Anyway, last week my cousin was getting into his car in front of the Isteqrar Hypermarket in Salalah. As he was loading groceries into his car, a woman approached him. She started praying and almost chanting under her breath. He couldn't exactly pinpoint the accent, but he figured a Saudi accent. He told her to shoo off and get away, but before he could do anything, she grabbed his hand and started rubbing her wrist into his palm. He started feeling dizzy and almost numb. He didn't know what was happening to him. He dropped a bag of groceries to the ground. She started telling him about himself. She knew his name, his family, problems in his current life, his wife, etc. She then told him she wants money. He said he didn't have any. She said he had 73 rials in his wallet (which he did) and if he didn't give it to her, she would put a curse on his wife. She continued praying and chanting until he pulled his wallet out and gave her the money. She she shoved a few strings tied to a shell, etc into his hand (curse bundle) and told him to go home and put it in the frankincense burner. She left. He got back into his car and sat there for half an hour trying to understand what had just happened. He felt tired, drugged, sleepy. He decided the best thing to do was to go to the nearest mosque and ask the Imam. The Imam told him she was playing around with black magic and that he needed to go home, wash and pray. He also said if my cousin's faith was strong there was nothing to be afraid of.

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I've heard several stories like this before, but none of these incidents had actually occured with someone I know until my cousin came home a nervous wreck. I myself am not a firm believer in magic or evil spirits, etc. As a Muslim I am required to believe in Jinn and other beings, etc, but I don't necessarily believe they can be used to assist witches and sorcerers in their black magic. However, having grown up in Dhofar (an area where people openly identify witches and where people dwell in the dark arts and claim to use Jinn as assistants) I'm exposed to this kind of stuff reguarly. Magic is against Islam yet many people continue to play around with it. I'm against all of it, but I can't deny the fact that it exists in Dhofar.

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As for the female witch beggars, they are not your typical Dhofari witch. They are not Omani but they've figured out a few magic tricks to help them get more money.

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So! Next time you're in town and an odd-looking woman approaching you and starts speaking fast, RUN IN THE OTHER DIRECTION! :)