Salalah Marriot Again?

It's Wednesday! And we have a LONG weekend! And I am DYING to get out of work and start my weekend projects. I'm going to finish reading 2 books, bake, write, attempt to make Biryani, do a lot of housework, vegetate on the sofa with movies, and just chill. Maybe go shopping. Or .... maybe not go shopping. Yesterday was payday for most people, so you can imagine what the traffic will be like today all over Oman. Funny how it's so predictable.

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So back to the Marriot issue. New readers suddenly popped up to criticize/wonder why I said it hurts to know that young Omani men from the mountains and area around Mirbat will end up being offered jobs at these tourist resorts. They argued that tourism was part of the strategy for economic diversification, etc, etc. To quote some "It is also a lovely and interesting experience when a tourist meets a local instead of an expatriate while staying in a country. It adds to the fun of being on holiday. Having expatriate staff will only add to the resort alienating itself from the rich Omani culture".

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And then FINALLY one reader understood my point of view. She wrote "After 25 years of living on and off in the UAE I have seen the ugly things that tourism can do to a country. It brings in more alcohol, more prostitution, etc...Oman is a beautiful country filled with beautiful people. It is pristine in the sense that it hasn't been covered in the ugly filth that Dubai underground is famous for. Oman isn't flashy and hedonistic like Dubai. I am sure that there many Omanis who do not want what happened to Dubai to happen to any part of Oman.It would be nice instead for the Omani government to focus on Eco-Tourism or something else to keep Oman beautiful the way it is.So I can see why Dhofari Gucci wrote what she wrote about". THANK YOU Miss MishMish!

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So with all due respect to the Westerners who commented earlier, I am completely pro-tourism. I want the whole world to see how beautiful Oman is and to experience our culture. OUR culture. OUR culture. I want tourists to come and experience the real Oman. I want our young Omani men to show them our way of life. I want the tourists to experience camping under the stars, milking camels, mountain-climbing, traditional music, traditional food, ... I want them to visit the old archaeological sites, to study cave-writings and visit old tombs. I want them to admire our beautiful beaches. I want to meet them and invite them to my home to meet some real Omanis.

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But wake up everyone, are young Omanis working in the hotel business going to help with this kind of real tourism? They're forced to wear hideous bellhop uniforms and speak English all the time. They're exposed to drunken tourists and alcohol on a daily basis, and then many of them start drinking too. They are exposed to over-weight Germans in tiny bikinis lounging by the pool on a daily basis or perhaps topless Swedes who think it's OK. They have to survive the hotel dance clubs and loud music. How is that going to help them? A young man who spends all his life in the mountains in a small village raising animals and then gets offered a job in a hotel and is exposed to all this ... what do you think will happen to him? Scarred for life? That may be the case.

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So, yeah, I may have insulted the Germans and Swedes, but I'm just trying to explain why I feel ill when I see young Omanis working in the hotel business. The hotels are in NO WAY related to anything Omani. Besides the tiny gift shops that sell wooden camels made in Pakistan, 5-star hotels and resorts are a reflection of Western culture. If I were a businessman I'd build the perfect 5-star Omani hotel .. a true reflection of who we are. Tourists would love it. It would have all the comforts and facilities of a Western 5-star hotel, but yes I'd get rid of the alcohol. No matter how close I am to my Western friends, I will never ever understand why they drink. And I don't think they'll ever understand why I'm Muslim. And so we leave it at that. Synergize and celebrate the differences and remain friends.

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I hope I got the message through. There's no way I can stop this kind of development, but the least I can do is speak up and let you know what most Omanis feel.

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On a lighter note, evidently the locals in Mirbat think the Marriot is a curse because it was built over a very old graveyard. Some swear that before the hotel was even opened, they could hear racket and voices when there was no one there. My colleague from Mirbat told me that some of the older generation spoke to HE the Minister of Foreign Affairs, Sheikh Yousuf Bin Alawi (who seems to be the mastermind of the project? Correct me if I'm wrong. I didn't have time to do research) begging him to stop construction because of the graves, ...

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Food for thought. Cheer up, it's the weekend after all.

Dating in Oman - Part 2

For anyone interested in reading more about the subject from an Omani's point of view, I recommend reading the latest post in 'Keeping it Real in Oman'.

http://realityinoman.wordpress.com/2009/09/08/dating-in-oman-is-it-such-a-bad-thing/

Internet Dating - Oman

Drumroll, the post is finally here! This post is dedicated to Zain because she was the first to choose my next topic. I'm writing about internet dating/secret relationships in Dhofar, because I can only write about things I'm 100% sure of. I cannot speak for the rest of Oman because who knows? Don't attack me here; I'm just writing about what I've experienced and seen and what I know. Where do I start? How about the relationships between men and women in Dhofar? That sounds right.

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Society in Salalah is extremely conservative, and by conservative I mean that until very recently (10 years?) men almost never saw any women who weren't very close relatives. When girls turned 10 or 11, they were told 'Enough playing with boys. You're grown up now'. Girls never go anywhere without an escort. Women stay at home, and whenever any woman (over the age of about 18) goes out, she has the burqa *face veil* on. Girls and boys go to seperate schools, and even when they go to college it's hard to interact with members of the opposite sex! Has anyone been to Sultan Qaboos University in Muscat? Until very recently there were seperate halls for boys and girls! Any young woman caught talking to a guy outside class was sent a warning note. I saw it with my own two eyes. I went to SQU with a team (consisting of men and women) and an administrator approached me (thinking I was a student) and told me to not walk around with guys and didn't I know the rules? I was completely shocked. I was there on business! She didn't even check if I was a student! I assume things are a little different now, but that was a shocker for me. That was four years ago.

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So, let's thinking logically here. When you're told 'No, you can't do this', what's the first thing you do? Of course, you start telling yourself ' I must do this!'. الممنوع مرغوب Relationships between unmarried/unrelated men and women are so taboo that most young Omanis want to try it. I'm not talking about getting into bed with them; what I mean is that females and males are curious to know what it's like to befriend members of the opposite sex. Especially the age group (15-25) .. and yes those are my own statistics. But how is that possible when they're never left alone? How are they supposed to meet guys? The answer is: They Don't. From an Islamic point of view, young people aren't even allowed to think about members of the opposite sex until they get married. Well, welcome to the real world where girls as young as 13 and 14 are watching Desperate Housewives, Friends, and romantic Western movies. You think they're all watching this crap and not thinking about guys? You think young people are virtuous individuals who refuse contact with members of the opposite sex? Of course not. How about the young YOUNG guys who get their hands on porn at the tender age of 12 or 13? Yes, in Salalah. Our modern world does not encourage virtue, sadly. Yet, Salalah does not encourage such relationships. Many parents in Salalah monitor their daughters' phones, to ensure they're not carrying on a relationship with a guy/several guys. So how do they do it? *drumroll* ... The I.N.T.E.R.N.E.T.

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With all due respect to Dhofaris, we've got to face the fact that most parents (the ones over the age of 40-50) are uneducated. There were no schools when they were young, so they're almost forgiven. Parents are not educated enough to know that having a television and computer in a teenager's bedroom is dangerous. Meanwhile, the generation of current teenagers/young people are so technologically advanced that they have one two even three cell phones, a television set with every channel in the book, a laptop, a secret internet modem, etc, etc. They're all wired up and ready to take on the world. The difference between my generation and my parents' generation is beyond scary.

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My friends who went to colleges in Oman said that during their years at university, the main event was 'chatrooms'. For example, guys and girls from the Salalah College of Technology would log on to certain chatrooms (ever tried Ali Baba?) and spend 4, 5, 6 hours a day chatting with one another. Of course, their parents don't know (they just thought their kids were doing homework on the PC), and hey, it was fun because they were talking to guys in a virtual world. But these were real guys who went to class with them! Of course, they never used their real names. The game was to figure out who went by which nickname in chatrooms. They wasted so much time, but it was exciting for them. Their only real contact with guys. Of course, through these chatrooms, there was attraction. Guys and girls would branch off into private chatrooms and spend hours getting to know one another without even exchanging names. Finally, the guy would say 'I love you', and the dumb naive girl would totally fall for it and think she'd found the love of her life (don't laugh, it's real). They would email and chat for a while, then he'd ask for her number. She'd refuse several times then she'd agree and give it to him (thinking he was the love of her life). He'd play around for a while and they'd talk on the phone to the early hours of the morning. Finally, he'd dump her OR he'd go telling his pals that he was 'talking' to the daughter of so and so. That's Salalah's worst nightmare; ruining a girl's reputation. Any girl who has 'talked' to a guy is socially considered a slut. Excuse my French but welcome to Salalah. Hey, did someone forget to mention that over 80% of girls in this town have had at least one 'secret' relationship? In fact, arranged marriage is becoming extinct. Girls and guys have decided to find their own life partner. Someone they like, and someone they want to share their life with. It's their right, yeah? Not in Salalah it ain't. It's so taboo that young people are forced to make it 'secret'. It's a daily struggle in our town, and something we cannot deny.

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I know of an American researcher who studied the concept of phone/internet dating in Oman. Most of his research was done in Muscat, but a friend of mine helped him study Salalah. I think he held about 80 anonymous questionnaire interviews in Dhofar, and the results were a little astonishing. Only 2 out of the 80 stated that they had never spoken to a guy/girl before on the phone, etc. He targeted young people in the age group (18-25). No kidding.

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Enlightening Anecdotes:

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Note: I've changed a couple of details to conceal the identity of the victims (!):

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(1) Girl falls in love with guy through Al Sabla forum. They watched each other's comments for a while then he asked for her email address, and she agreed of course. Soon, they exchanged phone numbers and thought they were in love. He wanted to marry here, but they both knew their families would never agree because she was in Salalah and he was from another part of Oman (yes, that's taboo too). He convinced her to run away from home and come with him. She ... AGREED. Did I forget to mention that she was only 19 years old? She started planning her escape. It was all perfect. Thank goodness, dude dumped her a week before the planned escape. This story is true.

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(2) My fifteen year-old cousin, I discovered, has a very active internet life. Want to know how I discovered this? She asked me about a colleague of mine at work (29-year-old man). I was like 'Why the hell are you asking about him?'. Her answer was 'Oh, he hasn't appeared on chat for a few days and I was beginning to worry about him'. She said is so normally. As if there was nothing wrong with what she was saying. Hello! This girl is FIFTEEN! And my colleague is a 29-year-old married man with two kids. It's not his fault, he probably doesn't know how old she is and I'm not going to discuss the fact that he may be cheating on his wife. It's not my cousin's fault. She's a dumb teenager. I personally think that it's her parents' fault. Why does she have a laptop in her bedroom? Do they not understand how dangerous that is for teenagers? I spoke to her older sister and told her to deal with it. I wasn't ready to get involved, nor was I ready to ignore it. I don't want to see that kid get hurt.

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(3) My friend discovered that her 17-year-old sister was carrying on a relationship with a guy she saw once at the Salalah Tourism Festival. He was working at one of the booths and gave her his email address. They emailed and chatted for a couple of months, then exchanged phone numbers. Furthermore, my friend discovered that her sister was sending him photographs of herself via MMS. Do I need to mention that these photographs were without her hijab on? Hello? Again, where are the parents?? I gave my friend a long talk about not allowing teenagers to spend too much time alone and to watch their behaviour. My friend was so upset and didn't know what to do; whether to tell her parents or talk to her sister or confront the guy.

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(4) A girl I knew very well in high school dropped out of college for a whole semester in her third year. Are you ready for the reason? Her parents discovered that she was in love with a guy at college and they were talking on the phone. So, they pulled her out of college and locked her up at home for a semester hoping that'll teach her a lesson. Furthermore, they took her cell phone away. Is that the way to deal with it, mom and dad? Sounds like a recipe for trouble.

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(5) I'm not even going to start discussing the Dhofari Facebook Phenomenum. That's going to need a seperate post.

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(6) I'm telling you honestly that about 75% of the girls I know have had a 'secret' boyfriend at some point over the past couple of years. This would sound perfectly normal if we were in ... Chicago. But, hey, we're in S.a.l.a.l.a.h. We're trying to hold on to the traditions and values we grew up with. I hate it when teenagers throw these values away.

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And hey, don't accuse me of being 'against' guys and girls talking. I'm totally with it, if both parties are mature enough to handle it. I studied with guys abroad and got used to them as 'human beings'. I don't feel the need to carry on a secret relationship. I work with men, and I enjoy it. Furthermore, I'm against arranged marriages and believe that young people in Salalah should have the chance to get to know people in order to find their life partner. I would never trust anyone else with that decision. I can never understand young men who go to their mother and say 'Mamma, I'm ready for marriage. Find me a wife'. It happens here a lot, but I think it's crazy (and yes, that is my own personal point of view).

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Of course, not all of this is negative. Many of my friends fell in love with colleagues at work or from college and talked to them for months/years using a secret phone number that their parents didn't know about (girls are smart). I'll give the example of one of my close friends who did the exact same thing with the colleague at work and secret phone number, etc. When the guy was ready financially for marriage and had discussed it with his parents, he proposed to the girl's father claiming he heard about his daughter and her family and maybe had seen her once or twice. Of course, his speech was perfect because the girl had given him pointers on what her dad likes to hear. Father agrees, wedding date is set, they got married, and are living happily with two young kids. They're perfect for one another, and I love seeing them together. Is what they did bad? Of course not. Not in my point of view anyway.

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So, I'm not here to complain. I need some sort of conclusion. I think parents need to wake up and realize that no matter what they do, their teenagers and older kids are going to want to talk to members of the opposite sex, secretly or openly. Nothing they do can stop them unless they tie them to the bed with chains. This is reality. It hurts, but let's face it. Why not educate teenagers about dealing with members of the opposite sex? How are young girls supposed to know when a guy is playing around with them and when he's serious? Parents still haven't figured out that they need to talk to their kids about dealing with the opposite sex, about relationships, dating, love, marriage, where Islam stands, etc. Otherwise, the kids are going to go out and do it anyway without being educated. Let's avoid all the hurt, pain, and problems and try some preventive treatments. Instead of ignoring the situation, we have to deal with it.

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Finally, I beg of you, help me spread the word and get those computers out of teenagers' bedrooms. Also, why not toss the TV out too? Keep an eye on what your kids/siblings are watching. There is no need for a 16-year-old Omani Muslim girl to worry about who's sleeping with who on Desperate Housewives. It's breaking up society and causing serious problems in families. If you haven't educated your kids about all these things, then don't blame them later when they screw up. Parents are responsible. Furthermore, I think anyone over the age of 21 is old enough to decide what they want to do in life, so let them be, but keep an eye on the teenagers. The more you educate them, the less they'll suffer in the future. I keep on telling my friends 'Talk to your younger siblings. If your parents are too shy to do it, then it's your responsibility!". And yes, some of them have done it, and were astonished to discover that their siblings (girls especially) were relieved to have somone to talk to about these things. Build trust. Teach them about the beauty of Islam and why these things are forbidden. Explain the logic.

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I'm interested to know what your comments are. Remember, this post is about what I've seen, what I feel, and the stories are real. Don't attack me. I'm an honest writer, and my goal is to discuss real issues. Tell me what you think, and if you've figured out any unique methods of dealing with this situation, let me know. Readers' feedback is what keeps me going. Post your comments below, and if you feel more comfortable, email me: dhofari.gucci@gmail.com Any interesting suggestions may lead to more posts. Many of my post ideas come from readers.

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Thanks for surviving the world's longest post. Peace.

If my wife doesn't like the room, I'm moving to Japan..

Hi! I'm back again after several days break. I've been busy at work, and have promised myself that I will get a life and avoid using the computer at home. It's enough that I spend 8 hours a day working on it. I'll try to work on my blog during lunch break at work. I've taken up reading again (I used to read 3 or 4 pages a day before I went to bed at night due to my hectic schedule. Now I'm trying to make it 30 per day). There are so many good books out there. If I don't read at least 30 pages a day, imagine how much I'm going to miss out on in the world! Life is too short.

Hey, remember my post on April 27 about the witches who put a curse on a guy over the water spring? Well, the guy is STILL IN HIDING! People still think he's dead. Eek. I tried to get more information out of my colleagues but no such luck.

So, back to my topic for today, more marriage! It's the season in Salalah, since everyone gets married during June, July and August. So, the gossip these days is all about weddings. Before I start, I wish to inform you that 'no' I do not escape work very often to get coffee, but today I had to because I felt caffeine-deprived, and I cannot touch instant coffee. So, at around 11:30 this morning I decided to slip out of the office and drive over to Brownies (our one and only cafe) to pick up a double espresso to bring back to work. On my way out of Brownies, clutching my caffeine treasure, I heard someone calling me. I turned and it took me a few moments to recognize the face. It was Mohanned (name changed), a guy I knew very well in college. In fact, we were best friends for a while and used to play crossword puzzles together during a very very boring class (in fact, it was so boring that I can't even remember the subject). I haven't seen him for over four years. He left college early to go finish his studies in Lebanon, while I continued abroad. He couldn't handle the cold weather. We stayed in touch by text messages and email, but never actually met face to face again, until today. In Other countries, it's easy to have male friends from Oman because we all stick together and help each other out. In Salalah, it's different. After a few minutes of exchanging news, I noticed how tired he looks. I asked him if he was stressed. He confessed that he is getting married in three weeks. He was beginning to feel that marriage is more of a nightmare than blessing. The girl he is marrying is a distant cousin and a complete stranger. He has never met her before, and has never spoken to her. He has a vague idea of what she looks like. Furthermore, her family asked for a dowry of 10,000 Omani Rials. In addition to that, he has to provide a suite for them (he built a room, kitchen, living room, and bathroom suite next to his family's house), as well as her gold. He is also in charge of arranging the whole wedding (down to the very last flower). He has to purchase six cows for the wedding (each cow costs 400 Rials at least) to feed the hundreds of guests. The list of duties gets longer and longer. He was exhausted, depressed, and hadn't slept for weeks. He ended the conversation by saying 'If she doesn't appreciate all that I've done for her, I'm moving to Japan!", and we both walked back to our cars and said goodbye. I felt so bad for him. I know that this is what most young men go through when they get married in Salalah. They have to provide everything and go to great trouble to prepare for marriage. This is why many young people are choosing not to get married. They can't afford it (i.e. they can't afford a traditional wedding), and it's too risky because they don't want to marry someone they don't know, and end up with a girl they cannot love. I don't know how this situation is going to be resolved. Someone has to take the first step and break out of these useless traditions. It's so unfair. The only thing a girl has to do is receive her dowry, buy clothes and shoes and bags, and slather herself in lotions and whitening creams. Simple as that. Even if a girl works, the guy still has to buy everything for her, and she's not allowed to help with the wedding. Furthermore, everyone here seems to be in debt, so the family cannot support the young men with their weddings. Poor Mohanned; I wonder what he feels. Imagine the anticipation of starting a new life in 20 days with a person you don't know, don't love, and having to share the same bed with a complete stranger on your wedding night. It's AWFUL.

Guys, what do you think? Would you marry a girl you don't know? Do you agree with such traditions? What do guys want anyway?