To Marry or Not to Marry

I know the title sounds like Gucci is contemplating marriage, but the post is not about Gucci. It's about something that has been frustrating to me these past few weeks. I know I know, I tend to write when I'm mad, frustrated, on a roll, angry. Trust me, these feelings generate good posts. Happy posts just ain't my style unless I'm talking about Onken yogurt or coffee.

So, as someone who works in a relatively senior position where people are constantly trying to convince me that they need to be hired, I am faced with all types of people.

98% of them are absolute losers who are unemployed for a reason. 1% are professionals who are seeking to switch organizations and build their careers. 1% are the incredibly smart fresh-outta-college kids who have great potential but don't realize it yet. I tend to zoom in on this minority. They're the best part of my day. As for the other 98%, if I'm in a normal mood I'll give them no hope and gently end the conversation and hope they leave. If I'm in a good mood I'll give them shit about getting their lives together and give them advice on how to apply for jobs and write a CV. If I'm in a bad mood, I call security. 

Anyway, this post isn't about my job. It's about the types of people who come asking for jobs (the lazy ass college graduates who can't write a CV, the people who don't want to go to college and think they can get a comfortable office job with a high school degree, the people who think their connections will get them a job, the people who think they can charm me into hiring them, the people who use the "we're a charitable case" line, etc. The list is long. Little do they know that large organizations like mine have strict recruitment procedures including psychometric testing, English testing, and in-depth interviews. You don't get hired unless you're human gold. Period. 

Today's post is about a relatively significant percentage of the 98% male trash who come for jobs. Normally their fathers or uncles come (never could figure out why). These are the guys who either never finished college, never started, or finished and have been at home for years doing nothing (like zero). Their parents find a girl for them, and think that by marrying them off they'll somehow magically mature and find a job.

It doesn't work.

I have met SO MANY of these people, it's an epidemic. I don't know if it's the same outside of Dhofar, but we have this shitty terrible habit of arranging marriages at a young age when the guy doesn't have a job. Why do they do it? This is my theory: 

1) The guy graduated (or didn't), has been sitting at home for years sleeping and staying out all night with friends. He's useless. His family are fed up with him. Let's find him a bride in hopes that she'll "straighten him out". (sounds risky to me). 

2) Let the boy complete half his Deen (religion) and get married. It's Islamic. Marriage sex will keep him away from the dark side. God will bless him with a job later. 

3) WE NEED TO PROCREATE. OUR TRIBE IS DWINDLING IN NUMBERS! PANIC!

4) His brothers are getting married, so let's marry him off along with them. Bil Marra. It's cheaper. 

5) If he's married, companies and government are likely to take pity on him and offer him a job. I swear this is the case most of the time. 

I could think of more reasons once I've had my second cup of coffee. 

Anyway, it's the year 2016. Life is hard. We're in the middle of an oil crisis. The cost of living is not what it used to be. Families can't continue to support useless young men who can't get their shit together, let alone married ones. They are expensive (petrol, pocket money, clothes, food, cigarettes), let alone a wife and babies (diapers, milk, bottles, etc etc). Who is supposed to pay for them?! This is why I have so many fathers come to my office asking us to hire their useless sons. They can't pay for them anymore. They're tired. They're frustrated. I often just want to shout at them "Why did you marry them off when they had no means of supporting themselves or their wife/babies?!!!". 

In an ideal world (and in my head), a young man/or woman first finishes high school, then goes to college or university, then spends a year (or two? or more AT LEAST) working, growing up and learning about life and adulthood. THEN get married. First learn about responsibility, about yourself, about bills, about where you want to go in life. Go out, travel, learn, experience. 

Then again, my ideal world is very different from the one I'm living in.

What are your thoughts? 

Nadia. 

Dhofaris Marrying Expats: The Sad Side of the Story

Hello world! Dhofari Gucci is officially out of hibernation now that the tourists have left, the mud isn't as bad, and I can actually go out and enjoy the mountains. The past two days have been rainy, but cheerful nevertheless.

Today's post is about  something I've been meaning to write about for quite some time now. It's a sad topic, and I know victims of this issue may be reading my post, so please forgive me in advance if any of my words hurt you.

After the oil boom in the 1970's in Oman and influenced by the Dhofar Rebellion, many Omani young men from Dhofar were sent abroad to study (by the Government or by the communist revolution) since no institutions for higher education were available in Oman and definitely not in Dhofar at the time (the first university in Oman was established in 1986 - Sultan Qaboos University). These young men (and I refer to men since women were not normally considered for overseas scholarships back then), were sent to places like Cuba, the Soviet Union, and later on to the UK and the USA. 

Naturally, being sent out to the world for the first time away from the conservative gender-segregated society in Salalah meant that these young men discovered beautiful women. To cut a long story short, many Dhofaris married Cubans, Russians, and later on American and British women. 

Many of these men married foreign women and kept the subject of their marriages hidden from their families back in Dhofar since the thought was so taboo, they knew their families couldn't handle it. A lot of these men came back to Dhofar, married their first cousins or a local girl and established a family here in Salalah. They would go back and forth to their foreign wife, keeping each wife hidden from the other. This has happened so many times. I've seen it. I've heard about it. I've helped people through it. 

Anyone who knew Salalah back in the 1980s knows that it was a harsh place, particularly for someone coming from more economically developed countries like the US. Our society is still harsh to women , particularly outsiders, but it was even more harsh back then. Therefore, it is understandable that very few of these Dhofari men would even think of bringing their expat wife to Oman in the first place. So many of them attempted to balance between their wife abroad and their wife at home.

Another set of men  braved society and brought their wives home to Oman. Some tried to adapt, some couldn't, some ran away, some marriages ended badly, and of course ... a handful succeeded.

Now, from my experience with mixed marriages (many of these foreign women have emailed me over the past few years seeking advice ... some who just discovered their husbands had married a cousin, and some who were contemplating marrying an Omani man full of promises), .... so where was I? From my experience with mixed marriages -  the ones involving a Dhofari man marrying a Western women -  most of these marriages don't work.

Sad, but true. They simply don't work. 

This post is exclusively about Dhofar since Muscat is another world. Being a foreign wife married to an Omani in Muscat is much easier and there are plenty of success stories. 

I have seen so many families fall apart. I could list 20-30 if I had to. People close to me. Colleagues. Friends. Family. I've seen ugly battles for custody (mostly won by the man of course - this is Oman after all), I've seen women run away (with or without the children), I've seen some ugly shit. 

From my humble experience on this planet, I will list the reasons why many Dhofari-expat marriages have failed. Then I will list the characteristics of the Dhofari-expat marriages that worked. I do this because I constantly get emails from women mainly who want to marry a Dhofari (most in the USA). If you're contemplating marrying a Dhofari man, please read carefully: 

So why do many Dhofari-Expat marriages fail? 

1. When a Dhofari man studies abroad and falls in love with a girl (say... in Portland for example), he's going to be charming, funny, handsome, and most likely he'll try to avoid talking about his family and societal pressure in Dhofar. He's not going to tell the girl about his family's expectations that he will marry a cousin. He's not going to tell her that he's 'already' married to a cousin. I'm not saying all of them do this, but many do. 

2. He's probably going to have a completely different personality than the one he has at home in Dhofar. Men here play a particular role in public. They put on a completely different face. Our culture doesn't promote individuality or personal interests. 

3. Our society in Dhofar is dismissive of outsiders, be it someone from another part of Oman or someone from another country (or even another tribe!! Been there, done that). We are proud and very tribal, often stupidly so. Dhofari society does not welcome strangers into the family. Most of them don't. Some families do (they remain a handful)

4. From a western perspective, Dhofari society can be described as 'dismissive of women'. Men are always in charge. Men are in control. Women play a secondary role. Unless the Dhofari husband is very liberal (very few of them actually living in Salalah), usually the wife is shocked. 

5. When a Dhofari man is brave enough to bring his expat wife home, the woman is usually shocked by the way of life. Quite often, the man hasn't given her enough information or details on what life is really like at this end of the country. Dhofaris aren't very good at going into personal details. It's not part of the culture. 

6. There is very little privacy in Dhofar if you're married to a Dhofari. People will constantly be sticking their nose in your personal life. If you can't handle it, think again. If you want an independent life, you want to raise your kids your own way, you want them to speak your language, you want privacy? Don't come to Salalah unless you're a very strong person willing to stand up and fight for what you believe in. 

7. Family roles and expectations here are very high. There is very little respect for your own private life, your private plans with your family, etc. Expectations are that you/your husband will attend family funerals, weddings, gatherings, and that people can drop by at your house whenever they wish. If you try to object, they'll be offended. Men here WILL not and CANNOT stand up to their families. I've seen it.  

8. The dress-code. If you don't already wear an abaya and cover your hair, rest assured that society won't leave you alone until you put on a black abaya and cover up. It's their way or no way. I'm not saying it's right, but it's reality. I've seen foreign wives forced into the face  veil as well and gloves. Hidden behind closed doors, told to be demure and quiet. 

9. Once you're pregnant, you're stuck. The law in Oman does not protect you if you get a divorce and want your child. From my experience with some ugly divorces here, the Omani husband always wins custody. The law does not protect you if you are a foreigner and your children are Omani. 

10. It is very difficult to make friends here, particularly if you're married to an Omani. He/his family will be very picky about where you go to make friends. Expat meetings at  local hotel? Forget about it! Meeting someone in a cafe? highly unlikely. I tell you, society is harsh. 

11. Your husband will be constantly 'needed' by family members, friends, relatives, etc, etc. Want him to spend a lot of time with you? It's difficult here. 

12. Relatives will also always be wanting money. All...the...time. 

13. If you're a Muslim revert/convert and you've come to Oman with your Dhofari husband to be in a Muslim society, you will probably become irritated by many things practiced in society that are contradicting Islamic teachings. 

14. There will always be a risk of him taking on a second,third, fourth wife.

15. There is very little compromise. Your upbringing and your history and your traditions have little or no value here. 

Do I sound depressing? Maybe I do. But, truly, I'm writing this post to help you. If you are contemplating marrying a man from Dhofar, make sure you really know him. Ask to come to Oman and meet his family. Judge their reaction. Get a feel of Salalah. Discuss the important issues (listed above). 

If you are a strong and confident person  who is able to adapt to a harsh culture and who is ready to fight for what you believe in and stand up for your own life, then good luck. Otherwise, think again.

I am not proud of everything listed above. I'm not proud of how harsh and horrible our society has been to some foreign wives. It's sad. I'm writing this to help anyone who needs help. I don't want to see another shattered wife torn away from her children. Really I don't.

Now..... the success stories.

Naturally, there is a silver lining to each problem. There are of course, a handful of successful marriages involving a Dhofari man and an foreign woman. I have met some of them. I know some very well. I have seen happy marriages. 

From my experience, Dhofari-foreign marriages work when (in no particular order)...:

1. They live in Muscat or anywhere outside of Salalah. (a major factor) 

2. The man is ready to compromise. 

3. The man is usually liberal.

4. The man is ready to stand up for his marriage. 

5. The woman takes an interest in understanding the history/culture of Oman. 

6. The man doesn't immediately try to enforce his traditions/dress-code/beliefs/lifestyle on the foreign wife. 

7. They take it step by step.

8. They make it clear to family members and relatives from the very beginning that they want their privacy to be respected. It won't be easy, but it's possible. It needs to be done gently. 

9. Expectations are clear from the beginning. 

10. The wife arrives in Oman knowing exactly what is waiting for her.

11. There is clear agreement from the beginning about things like the idea of multiple marriages, languages spoken at home, circumcision of children, privacy, whether or not the woman will wear hijab, whether she will work, whether you'll be living with the in-laws, etc. If you figure this stuff out from the beginning, your chances of success are much higher. These discussions should happen before you think of having kids. 

So, that's the end of my schpeal on foreign marriages. I'm fully aware of the fact that many people won't agree with me. However, I remind you that I have lived through many horrible marriages with close friends who ended up marrying Dhofaris. Or, some Dhofari guy or other has sought me out at the end to 'talk to his wife' and 'be her friend' and maybe convince her not to leave. They think it's so easy. Well, it's not. 

If you have more points to add to the bad list or the good list, let me know and I'll add them.

Yours from rainy Salalah

Nadia 

A Twisted Kind of Love

No, this isn't the post I was referring to earlier. That one is still cooking. Today's post is the result of an 'Aha!' moment I had yesterday morning when a wonderful human being (you know who you are) enlightened me with one sentence that suddenly made sense. It all started with me ranting on as usual about people in Dhofar interfering in each others' business non-stop and continuously bombarding you with unwanted advice. 

I'll give you an example. Recently I was at Carrefour in Salalah in the home section ... in the corner where the annoying voice attracts you with 'Everlock! The solution to all your problems! The suction cup system that holds and holds and holds....'. Yes, that corner. 

As I was attempting to choose a few boxes to store my ever-growing pile of papers, notes, musings, and writing... I heard someone approach me. High heels. I stuck my head deeper into the boxes hoping whoever it is walks by without recognizing me. You see, I'm not very social. I don't like to be out in public particularly in shopping malls or supermarkets unless it's at 9:00 am on a Friday morning (as Travelallergy so very well knows since we tend to shop at the same time). 

Anyway, I wasn't lucky. The heels stopped two feet away from me and I hear the usual "Nadia? Are you Nadia?". I look up and see a woman in a burqa (face veil). I smile politely and nod my head. She immediately sticks both her hands out and takes my right hand in both of hers. 

Weird Woman: "Nadia?? It's you? Daughter of X and X? Cousin of X and X?"

Me: "Yes, that's me. I'm sorry I don't recognize you. Who are you?"

Weird Woman: "Did you sister get married recently?"

Me: "Uh, yes. Who are you again? Sorry I didn't get your name..."

Weird Woman "Oh, but she's younger than you, no?"

Me "Um, yeah"

Weird Woman "You know Nadia, everyone knows that you studied abroad and are independent and everything, but you really shouldn't see marriage as an obstacle to your life .."

Me: (by then I'd given up finding out who she was) "Don't worry. Insha'allah everything will be fine"

Weird Woman "Yes, but you've reached an age where you need to start making sacrifices and getting married. You can't let past experiences or other people's experiences stop you from getting married"

Me: "Um, ok?"

Weird Woman "Look at your cousin X and sister Y. They rejected the idea of an arranged marriage at first. But look at them now, they're settled and content"...

Me: "Um, thanks. I'm kind of in a hurry to meet someone in ten minutes, so..."

Weird Woman "Really, you should open your mind to marriage. It's time. Stop being difficult. The more independent you get, the fewer men you'll get. It's not worth it"

Me: "Ok, well thanks. See you around" 

I walk away fuming and thinking to myself "who the hell does she think she is? I don't even know her! she didn't even give me her name!!! I HATE THIS TOWN"  as I pull out my emergency packet of Dettol wipes (I have OCD and can't stand the idea of someone holding my hand ...I had to disinfect immediately)

If you think that conversation that took place was weird and completely rude, then you're probably an expat. In Dhofar it's completely normal. People do it to each other every day ... all day. And if you're an expat living in Salalah they probably do it to you too. (why don't you wear an abaya? It will make you more beautiful. Why not wear makeup?  Teacher, you should do this or eat this or wear this, etc, etc) 

In that past one week alone, I've been told to wear the veil, stop driving, become more demure, wear more makeup, wear less makeup, get married, not get married, eat, not eat, lose weight, not lose weight, etc, etc. 

It's insane.

It drives me crazy.

And there's nothing I can do about it.

Another example, one of my cousins got married to a girl who is slightly darker than he is. The girl is extremely pretty and wears makeup to match her skin color (i.e. not Marylin Manson white please click on that link). At a family lunch, a bunch of women approached the groom's sisters and proceeded to inform them that they NEED to advise their new sister in law to wear more makeup because it's shameful to be darker than the groom. 

Yes, they had the nerve to approach the family with serious faces with serious advice concerning something that is none of their business. 

Here's three main points one needs to keep in mind before telling a Dhofari to 'F*** Off' if they offer unwanted advice: 

(1) They really do believe from the bottom of their hearts that they're doing you a FAVOR. 

(2) They give you advice because this society is all about conformity. They want you to be just like them. Take it as a compliment.

(3) When they interfere in your business and ask you personal questions and insist that you answer them, it's because they're looking for flaws in your life that they can help make better. 

(4) They do it out of love.

Ok, so you're probably thinking I've gone nuts. But I haven't. Yesterday morning I was sipping coffee with that wonderful person and complaining to them about someone else who keeps offering advice and telling me what I'm doing wrong (everyday, all day). The wonderful person (we'll call him W.P) chuckled and said "But Nadia, it's a form of love". 

I stopped for a moment and looked at him blankly. Love? What love? Telling me I need to start wearing the burqa is a form of love? Telling me I'm too liberal and I need to calm down is a form of love? Telling me I shouldn't be driving is a form of love? Telling me I should make myself whiter is a form of love? What the heck was he talking about?

Then, when I let it sink in for a little bit I realized he may be right. They don't do it because they're horrible, nosy and rude people. They do it because it's their way of expressing caring. When you live differently, they worry about it. It keeps them awake at night. They want everyone to be the same (collectivism at its best). They feel comfortable and secure when everyone around them lives the same way they do. Dhofaris are terrified of change. They want society to remain the same. When someone tries to do something different they stick out like a sore thumb. Society then does its best to correct that by offering advice. 

This isn't an affectionate society. It isn't a society where people openly express love or their feelings. Hell no. People here express their love in different ways. When someone dies they'll be the first people at the funeral helping to get things organized. When you get married, they'll support you. And most of all, they'll offer advice. On everything and anything. 

It drives private people like me CRAZY. But if I look at it from a different perspective, it becomes easier to handle. 

So thank you W.P for phrasing it like you did. It's a form of love.

Oh well.

Nadia. 

Bitterness.

Why yes, my last post was on January 20th. And yes, about a MILLION things have happened since then. I was planning a post on Saturday March 8th to mark International Women's Day. But then horrible things happened that made me despise the way women are treated in Oman sometimes, so I put that post on hold. I didn't want to vent 'on' women's day itself otherwise I'll get harassed by all the Oman internet trolls who have nothing else to do and who keep accusing me of spreading Oman's dirty laundry to the 'expats'. Well, why should we hide? Problems don't get solved unless you bring them out into the open and talk about them. I can't become a renaissance spokesperson who assures the world that things are peaches and cream in Oman as usual. Life isn't peaches and cream anywhere. And I'm not anyone's spokesperson. I'm Nadia. A blogger. A fierce feminist in the works. Someone who feels more comfortable highlighting issues through writing. I'm not a social person. But I'm strong-willed and determined to improve the situation of women in Oman, in whichever way I can. Blogging is only one aspect of my life. I do a lot more. And I will do a lot more until I feel satisfied in my old age that I have contributed to the empowerment of women in my conservative society (Dhofar). 

Several incidents over the past two months have caused me to grow very bitter at times. These incidents involve ill-treatment and disrespect towards women close to me. I have tossed and turned in bed for nights on end with a heavy heart. Sometimes I think things are improving, then society turns around and slaps me in the face to remind me that shit still exists for women. I'm lucky, but many women around me are not. Forced marriages, social-pressue, in-law abuse, control-freaks, etc etc etc. Salalah is not going to change fast. 

I will try to write when I am not so bitter... not so angry. I will try to be objective and less furious in my writing. It is difficult but I will try.

Until then, I hope you forgive me for not writing everyday like I used to. I'm working full time and completing an additional degree. It's not easy. I had to prioritize. Few months and I'll be back to normal. 

Yours from my quiet corner in Dhofar, 

Gucci 

The Dreaded Maghboor

Only Dhofaris would understand what this post is about just by reading the title. A slight warning, this post is a mini-rant, not an objective analysis of social customs.

 

In Dhofar, the word 'Maghboor' مغبور or 'Maghbair' مغبير is a term that every man has to live with... every month from the moment his friends start to get married till the day he dies.

 

As many of you know from my previous posts about the south of Oman, Dhofari weddings are quite an event. A typical scenario will involve a young man telling his mother he wants to get married. She will turn on her 'bride radar' and get to work (along with all the aunts and sisters) to find a suitable bride. She will start visiting relatives with eligible daughters. She will attend more and more weddings of distant relatives just to see how the unmarried girls look like in dresses. Naturally, unmarried girls spend ages preparing for weddings anyway in order to catch the attention of future mothers-in-law.

 

Once the bride has been chosen, the mother and aunts will make contact with the prospective bride's mother and aunts. The women will work it all out between themselves and then the men will finally be informed. The groom's father or uncle (or the groom himself) will call the prospective bride's father to ask for his daughter's hand in marriage. The father will graciously tell him that he has to ask his daughter. Both parties pretend the women haven't figured out all the logistics beforehand. Father asks daughter, she agrees, a dowry and wedding date is set, then the son goes back to his father to figure out expenses.

 

Now ... this brings us to the Maghboor part. Assuming the girl's father asked for a dowry of OMR 6000, and it will cost the son perhaps OMR 10,000 to set up his 'room' and fix some things in the house(decoration, fancy hideous furniture, perfume cupboard stocked with the world's most expensive bukhoor, etc, etc). Add on the actual wedding expenses which usually involve renting a hotel ballroom  for 400 women ... that's around OMR 4000. Then the men's wedding involves slaughtering a handful of innocent cows, drinks, halwa, coffee, tent, rice .... (meh... another OMR 6000).

 

Do the math. It's about 26,000-30,000 Omani Rials. That's what it costs to build a small house, buy three cars, or four bachelor degrees at Dhofar University. All so you can live in a little bedroom with a girl you don't really know.

 

So how do they fund this? Well, .... that's where the Maghboor comes in.

 

On the actual men's wedding day (often a few days before the women's wedding when the bride actually gets to see his dolled up wife for the first time), men from far and wide will come to the tent to congratulate the groom and pay the 'maghboor'. Several hundred (or thousand) men will come to the men's tent and after greeting the groom and his family will head to the table where a man (usually a relative) sits with a big blue notebook and a box. A guest will pay anything from OMR 10 to two or three hundred rials, and the book-keeper will put the man's name down and the amount next to his name. By the end of the day, the groom sometimes ends up with anything from OMR 5000 to 20,000 cash paid by all his relatives and friends. That ends up covering most of the wedding costs. Distant relatives will pay around 20 rials. Close relatives will pay 100 each usually.

 

Awesome system, right?

 

Maybe not.

 

Sometimes I think it's a great social investment... but then again, you keep that darned blue book in your home forever and ever. Whenever any of the people who paid towards your wedding get married (or their sons or cousins or whoever), you have to go to their weddings and pay the same amount they paid towards you or more. It's all fine and dandy until you end up having to attend weddings every single month. It ends up being like a life-long loan towards society.

 

A friend of mine had to go to SIX WEDDINGS last week. He spent 400 rials in one day paying towards weddings. He's only 28. Is it fair? Is it worth it?

 

Even stranger, some town tribes do the same with women. Women hand money over to the mothers of the groom at the women's wedding.

 

All this money being passed around each month. Everyone in debt. Everyone struggling to keep up with these traditions. But stop for a minute and think about our friend the groom who spent all that money but all he has left is a little bedroom with a set of furniture and hideous décor (and a wife on the side). No everyone gets enough Maghboor to cover a large chunk of the weddings expenses. Someone I know spent 35,000 rials on his marriage but only got OMR 8000 out of the men on the wedding day.

 

Is this system logical anymore? If I were a man spending 26,000 on a wedding, I'd invest it in something that will last (like a home..... or a honeymoon?). Oh, I forgot the honeymoon. If a groom decides to take his wife to the usual spots (Thailand or Malaysia) then that adds even more expenses.

 

All the girl has to do is receive her dowry, spend it on things she doesn't need to impress people she doesn't even know. Thobes, abayas, gold, perfueme , bukhoor, etc. She then has to spend months oiling and dolling herself up for her 'husband'. That's all she does.

 

Somewhere in there is a lot of unfairness and a lot of  illogical expectations. If everyone in Salalah were to secretly vote on this, I'm willing to bet they're all ready to ditch these traditions. Times are hard, life is more expensive, and its just not feasible anymore to keep up with these traditions. Men spend an average of anything from 100 to 1000 a month on weddings. Surely that money could go somewhere better? Savings perhaps?

 

The reason I'm ranting is because I was made to pay towards a wedding of some distant relative because it was 'duty'. I've never even met this relative and never even went to the wedding.

 

Your thoughts?

Polygamy in Dhofar

Since polygamy and female genitale mutilation have become trend topics in the blogosphere (Shawawi, OPNO, Susan) these days, here are my two cents on polygamy:

1. Polygamy is still very prevalent here in Dhofar. I know many polygamists. It's not a dying art. I know men who have two, three, even four wives.

2. Most polygamist families I know are unhappy.

3. Many polygamists I know never informed their first wives about their plans to re-marry (some marriage they had, eh?)

4. When a man takes on a second wife here in Dhofar, people in this society somehow have the audacity to accuse the first wife of not being a good wife and not keeping her husband on a leash. (Excuse me?!)

5. I'm not entirely against the practice if there are very strong reasons. As OPNO explained in her blog, it's Islamically acceptable to marry a second woman if she is a Sharia-defined orphan (i.e. a woman with no living male relatives who can support her, and who has no means of supporting herself). I assume it's also Islamically correct to 'inform' the first wife before you marry another. But let's be realistic here: how many men in Oman are marrying for Islamic reasons? I'd say less than 1% of polygamists.

6. I tend to agree that polygamy these days brings nothing but pain and heartache to the families. I know women are the main victims, but let's not forget the chidlren. In many families, children suffer as much as their mothers.

7. I think the Ministry of Religious Affairs + Social Development should cooperate and set clear rules and regulations for polygamy. You shouldn't be able to just walk into a court and marry any woman you like (without her approval or the first wife's approval for the matter). A 70-year-old shouldn't just be able to take on an 18-year-old as a fourth wife without authorities approving the marriage. Yes, I think there should be regulations. Clear regulations. (and yes, there are plenty of old geezers who marry young girls. Families are more than willing to hand their daughters over if the dowry is big ... I can think of one recent marriage between a man in his 70s and a young girl in her twenties.. the dowry was 60,000 OMR) .... see what I mean? It's disgusting and there should be rules.

8. Do you know if the Ministry of Social Development is sharing statistics these days? Divorced women? Handicapped children? Polygamists? Children born out of wedlock? Orphans?

End of December

So you haven't been hearing from me as often as I would like, but what can I do? After the laze of summer, monsoon, Ramadhan and Eid Al Fitr, things got crazy at work and in my personal life. Everything was postponed till 'After Eid Al Fitr'. And so I've been killing myself trying to get my life (and my colleagues) back into shape. Just as things began to get organized, we were hit with yet more holidays and we have another week of holidays next week. I know holidays are great for everyone, but this is just insane. You do realize we'll be holiday-less all the way to July 23rd, right? (unless some GCC king or prince dies and we get 3 days to mourn of course!).

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(1) I've been helping one of my relatives through an ugly divorce these past couple of months (which means spending 3 or 4 hours with both sides of the marriage two or three times a week trying to figure stuff out). It's ugly, sad, and uncalled. He's only been married six months but his idea of marriage is totally screwed up. As much as I respect and love my cousin, I think he's crazy. If you're contemplating marriage, don't make mountains out of mole hill.

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(2) Everyone seems to be outraged about the 'most expensive Christmas tree in the world' that has been revealed in Abu Dhabi. Instead of raising hell about a symbol of the Christian holiday being up in a Muslim country, I suggest you raise hell about the cost instead. Evidently the total cost of the ornaments is 11 Million. WTF? Seriously WTF. Dear UAE, If you really wanted to do something to celebrate Christmas, why not do something useful with the 11 million? Like a Charity campaign in the spirit of Christmas or SOMETHING worthwhile.

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(3) If you've got a lot of negative energy and anger that needs to be released, I suggest you send it in the direction of the asshole I'm going to tell you about. A highly education Omani acquaintance of mine (actually, my brother's colleague) decided he wanted to get married. He's 32, so he figured it was time. He owns a house, a business, two cars, 2 degrees, and a cat. He cooks, cleans, and irons his own clothes. He's smart, relatively good looking, and not too short. To sum it up, he's a good catch (or so I thought). I would have considered him myself if it weren't for the fact that I'm .... .... anyway, so he searches high and low for a bride. My brother helps him of course. Finally, the perfect girl is found. She's 26, highly educated, 3 degrees, pretty, smart, independent, and from his hometown (Salalah). Everything is perfect. She is willing to meet him at her office before he comes to officially ask for her hand in marriage. Everything sounds ok up to know, right? So he decides to mess it all up because it's too perfect. He was supposed to visit her in early December. He 'postponed' the visit until mid-December because he claimed he was 'Still asking around about her'. I'm NOT KIDDING. He actually told her family that he couldn't come to ask for her hand in marriage yet because he was still asking around about their reputation. Oh. My. God. Loser. Alert.

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Adding insult to injury, a couple of weeks later he informs her brother-in-law (the initial mediator) that he is not longer interested in her because he discovered her great-grandfather was a slave. I am not kidding, I swear. He decided it was more important to him that his kids come out 'pure'. PURE. He believes if there's any history of slavery in the family, his kids will not live an honorable life. I sat staring at my brother with my mouth wide open as he told me the story. He was as shocked as I was. Has Mr. Asshole looked at a calendar recently? Does he realize WHAT YEAR WE LIVE IN?!!!

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I'm sorry to say I'm still in shock. I haven't fully digested the story yet and I can only hope the poor girl has a sense of humor and is able to laugh at his stupidity and arrogance. What a loser. I was so upset after I heard that story that I stayed awake all night thinking about it. When I finally fell asleep, I dreamed of murdering the guy. Thankfully, I know what he looks like so my dreams were realistic enough. My brother invited him over to the house once a few months ago and I ACTUALLY COOKED SOMETHING FOR HIM. Ugh. I'm outraged. Beyond outraged.

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What do you think?! Is it just me or can this guy be nominated for 'Jerk of the Year Award'?

Hell on Earth

Read Sleepless in Salalah's latest post here. And the New York Times' piece here. I am so so so so sad. I feel sick to my stomach. What have we become? Why should a child be married off to a grown man and tied down to a bed and forced to have sex with him after he damaged her vagina and she was bleeding to death?? I am ready to go to Yemen and kill that man. What a sick sick sick animal. AND WHY CAN'T THE WORLD DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT????? WHY ARE THE YEMENIS STILL DEBATING??? This kind of situation requires immediate action. This type of marriage should have been banned centuries ago! We live in the year 2010. HOW can over a quarter of Yemeni brides be under the age of 15?

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My 60 year-old neighbor married a 13 year old child several years ago. I remember. THIRTEEN YEARS OLD. She asked for a divorce and got it when she turned 16. Humans can be such animals. Say a prayer/make Du'aa for all the children out there who are suffering ...

Discrimination Against Women in Dhofar & Oman

Discrimination is a sociological term referring to the treatment taken toward or against a person of a certain group in consideration based solely on class or category. Discrimination is the actual behavior towards another group. It involves excluding or restricting members of one group from opportunities that are available to other groups ~ Wikipedia.
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The United Nations had concluded that women often experience a "glass ceiling" and that there are no societies in which women enjoy the same opportunities as men. The term "glass ceiling" is used to describe a perceived barrier to advancement in employment based on discrimination, especially sex discrimination ~ UN
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With regard to the rights of women here (in Oman), the Amnesty International 2007 Human Rights report said that although the Sultanate ratified an agreement on combating all types of discrimination against women in February 2006 and declared the formation of a committee to ensure the implementation of the provision of the agreement women continued to suffer discrimination whether in respect of the law or its implementation especially when it came to personal rights, employment, and participation in public life ~ Times of Oman
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This is Longest Post in the World – Forgive Me.
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Disclaimer: Compared to other countries in the Middle East, Oman definitely treats women with more respect. We have a lot to be thankful for. We have many female leaders and there is gender equality for sure. However, the biggest mistake is to generalize. Most of this freedom, equality, rights, etc, is in the capital area and that's no secret. Muscat is another planet. Let us not forget the hundreds of thousands of women in the villages and small towns around Oman. We matter. Women deserve dignity & Respect.
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Dear Readers,
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After reading Rania's post here and after a small incident this morning, my blood pressure is on the rise and I am royally peeved. I've been putting off writing about racism/discrimination against women for a long time, but today since I'm on the verge of tears and very annoyed, I have to let it all out.
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To the haters (men) out there who are already formulating rude answers, save your breath because they won't be published. I love Salalah and I love the people, and yes I'm a human so I have the right to complain sometimes. Words of support or interesting ideas/debates are most welcome.
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Hundreds of thoughts are spinning through my head right now and I don't even know where to start. Can I just spew forth my thoughts and you try to make sense out of them? Thank you very much. I'll put my ideas into points so it's easier for readers to refer back to a certain idea, etc when commenting.
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1. In Oman women definitely have legal rights. No doubt about that. We can work, drive, vote, ask for a divorce, etc. Take a moment out to think about women in Saudi Arabia. They cannot drive (not even expat women), they must wear the abaya everywhere (it's illegal not to), they can only work in certain places, schools and colleges are gender-segregated, women cannot go out alone, they practically have to carry their marriage certificate around wherever they to be ready for the Moral Police (or whatever they're called …). Saudi society is sick. Thank you Sultan Qaboos for being the open minded man that you are. We are so blessed to have such an enlightened leader.

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2. Government-wise, I think our country is doing pretty good. My rants today are not against the government. They are against men and society. People. No matter how 'free' a woman is in Oman legally, there are always men in her life controlling her. There are men in my life controlling me (yes even me after spending 5 years abroad on my own, I came back to a society where men immediately assumed the duties of controlling me and making decisions about my life), but today I'll be complaining on behalf of all the beautiful intelligent women around me. My friends, sisters, cousins, colleagues, aunts, etc. Today I'll be talking about Salalah mostly because I cannot speak for the rest of Oman. Do you want to know how many men I know who've spoken these exact words to the women in their life 'We've allowed you to work and drive. What more do you want?'. So many times I've wanted to shout at them 'WE WANT MORE'. Who the hell gave you the right to 'allow' or 'not allow'. Who gave you the right to control someone else's life?

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3. As a human, I feel that my most basic need is to be in control of my own life. As a human, I feel it is my right. As a Muslim I feel it is my right. As an Omani I feel it is my right. As a woman I feel it is my right. I have one life and it is mine. Mine.

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4. Allah/God created men and women to live in this world together, to build families and populate the earth and support one another and do good. God did not say 'It's a man's world. Hide the women. I created them by mistake'. Islam is a beautiful religion and women's rights in Islam are clear. Women in the time of the Prophet Mohammed PBUH were strong and free. They fought in battle, they were businesswomen (Al Sayyida Khadija RAA the Prophet's first wife was a very successful businesswoman and he looked up to her!). Women prayed with men and they certainly were not hidden in rooms under layers of black. So many incidents from his time included women. Read the Sunna. I feel women were respected back then a lot more than they are now. I need more time to study the Quran and books on Islam to fully understand the role of women. I feel men/religious leaders in our time have screwed up ideas about women.

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5. From a reader: "Nadia, don't you think women in Salalah were more independent and strong in the past, when men tended to think of women as humans, not bodies that may sexually arouse them and consequently have to be covered/chained at home? Racism against women should be taken into consideration too". Before the 1970s, women in Dhofar were poor yes but they were free. They worked hard with the men (side by side) farming, taking care of the animals, etc. Many women I know in the mountains used to leave their huts alone at sunrise and take the animals to look for food all day. Alone. Many women I know fought in the Dhofar War. They carried around machine guns, drove pickup trucks, and were heavy smokers (No, I don’t admire them for that). Women back then wore colors or the dyed purple indigo clothes. They did not wear black. They did not wear the face veil. Women rocked.

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6. During the period from 1970-2010, life in Dhofar was transformed. The Sultan took power, people in Dhofar were given land and cars and jobs by His Majesty, Oman was opened up to the rest of the world, the Abaya was introduced to women in Oman (via Iran I think) and everything started changing. Once families moved into the town after the war, women didn't have to work as hard anymore, so they began to spend most of their day at home. Slowly women began wearing black from head to toe, the face veil became popular, gender segregation became the norm, and Salalah slowly turned into a male-dominated society. Yes, this all happened over the past 40 years.

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7. Women in Salalah still do not understand enough about Islam or about their rights as Muslim women. They are not educated (most of them aren't) so it's hard for them to find information on Islam online or in books (you can't even find books here). Do you think most men bothered to enlighten them? Of course not. They like being in control. Do you know that some of my relatives believe it's Fardh (a must) in Islam to wear the face veil? How could they think that? It's Sunna and a woman should be able to decide on her own whether she wants to wear it or not. No man should ever force his wife/sisters/mother to wear it.

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8. Most women in Salalah wear the face veil. Most of them do not wear it because they are God-fearing Muslims. They wear it because their husbands/brothers/fathers forced them to. It's is purely cultural. Tradition. It's the fear of being 'recognized'. The fear of having an 'identity'. God forbid we should ever be proud of our own identity!!!!!!!

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9. Most Dhofari men will tell you 'My wife is at home. She has her house and her children and she visits her family every week. I provide for her and I take her shopping when she wants. She is respected in her home. There is no reason for her to go beyond those four walls. A woman's life is in the home'. It's all nice and dandy if the women AGREES. She should have a choice. Otherwise she is a prisoner and she is trapped.

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10. Story (1): one of my close friends in high school had big plans for life. She wanted to be an artist. She was popular in our high school and very pretty. She wanted to travel, work, drive, be a mother and see the world. Most of all, she wanted to paint. After high school she started talking about applying at local colleges. Her brother refused and she rebelled. He got worried so he decided to marry her off immediately before she caused any more trouble. Her husband-to-be told her he didn't mind her continuing her higher studies so she had a little hope left in her broken heart. Within three months she was married. One month after the wedding she discovered she was pregnant. She lived in a room and shared the house with her in-laws. Her mother in law didn't approve of the painting, so to keep her happy, the husband banned all paints from entering the house (LOSER). Unhappy, pregnant, and trapped, I watched my friend become more and more depressed. She now has three kids (all under the age of 4) and her husband won't even let her out of the house to visit friends (me included). If I want to see her, I have to go to the in-laws house or catch her at her parents' house when she's there visiting. Her husband brainwashed her into thinking her life is complete between the four walls of their bedroom. He on the other hand, travels every year with his friends to Thailand or India or wherever. He works, hangs out with friends everyday, comes home late, hardly pays any attention to her. What is she supposed to do? Leave him? With three small kids? Of course not. He does not abuse her. He does whatever she wants provided it doesn't go beyond the four walls of the house. It hurts me to think about how depressed she can be sometimes knowing her whole life will be like this. Trapped. No freedom. No opinion. Controlled by a man.

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Need I mention he has forbidden the use of birth control? She is tired of having kids. Many men in Salalah forbid birth control. I guess this is why families are so large. A man I know forced his wife to get pregnant every year because she kept on having girls and he wanted a boy. What an animal. She ended up having six girls (they're 3,4,5,7,8,10) ... YES one after the other until she finally had a boy last year.

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11. Story (2): another friend of mine went to Australia to do her Masters. She lived on her own for two years. Her brothers (father passed away) never bothered to check up on her or ask about her (as long as she was out of the country and away from people's gossip, they didn't care). The minute she returned they realized how independent she'd become (no kidding) and they decided she must get married. Of course she refused. So her brothers said 'Fine then, you're not allowed to work'. Once her uncles interfered the brothers agreed to let her work because she had to pay off her student loans. She started work and they became greedy. She was making around 1200/- Rials. She wanted to save for her Ph.D and she was also paying bills for the house. Her brothers went out of their way, got wasta and contacted her employer to find out how much she was making because she wouldn't tell them what her salary was. Would you believe what they said? "Dear M, you are a girl, you don't need that salary. Every month you will keep 350 Rials for yourself to cover your own expenses and your sisters' and the rest you will give to us. We are men and we need the money more than you'. WTF? She called me in tears. A while later they got bored of driving her to work so they 'allowed' her to take driving lessons and then informed her coldly that they would be selecting the car she should buy with her own money. She would drive to work in the morning and the minute she got home she would hand the keys over to her brothers. At the moment she's still fighting. Who can she turn to? What kind of brothers behave like that?

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12. Story (3): one of my friends' aunts decided to volunteer at one of the centers for special abilities & needs here in Dhofar. She was very excited and spent two or three hours a day during the morning working with the center. This went on for two or three months. Her husband never asked her about her voluntary work. He didn't care. One day she was helping to put up an exhibition at the center and Oman TV were there filming. The corner of her face was visible for about 4 seconds on TV. One of her husband's friends saw this and called the husband 'Hey, your wife's on TV!'. And that was it. Husband came home in a rage and decided his wife would stop volunteering with the handicapped kids and she wasn't allowed out of the house on her own because she would misbehave. Please note this woman is almost 40 with 4 kids in school. He was so ashamed and upset that someone had 'seen' her and 'recognized' her on TV.

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13. Story (4): many women I know desperately want to lose weight and join an all-female gym or go walking in the evenings. Most families (especially the prissy higher tribes) refuse. The men in the families tell them to exercise at home. They believe a woman who goes to a gym and sheds the abaya is a near-prostitute. What will other women say if they recognize her? Oh shame shame. Again, fear of being recognized and known.

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14. Story (5): my own father told me once when I'd just come back from abroad 'You're independent and strong. I cannot control you. Do what you want but I don't want people to recognize you and I don't want to hear about it'. I remember once I took my mother out to dinner and parked my car in front of the famous Chinese Cascade restaurant at the centre of town. We went in to the restaurant and had a lovely dinner in one of the private family rooms. We were at home by 9. Around 8:30 a close cousin drove by the restaurant and saw my car and immediately called my father the next morning 'You let your daughter go to restaurants at night??! Who will ever marry her? You have a reputation!'. My father in turn called me screaming 'Your car was seen! No more restaurants. No public places where people recognize you'. Well, sorry dad but I didn't know eating Chinese food with my mother in a private family room was a sin. Women need more places to get together in Salalah. At the moment, there are almost NO public places where it's perfectly acceptable for women to meet. There will always be someone who disapproves. Look at Browniz Coffee House in Salalah. The whole 2nd floor is dedicated to women. There is a sofa, open area and also private rooms. Many men hang out in the men's part downstairs and if they see women sneaking up to the 2nd floor through the private side entrance they immediately assume the girl has a bad reputation. Well, sorry guys but YOU are the ones with issues, not us.

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15. Story (6): I will not elaborate because this post is getting too long. I, too, like Rania was told I couldn't go into the men's section of the Grand Mosque during visiting hours because I was a woman. Furthermore, many women's sections at local mosques are locked up most of the year and only open up during Ramadan. Why can't women pray at the mosque when they want? Not all women have kids. I went to the Grand Mosque for sunset prayers one day because I was out shopping and didn't want to miss the prayers, and I got SO MANY WEIRD LOOKS from men in the mosque parking lot. I felt like I was committing a crime. Like I didn't belong. Like I was heading to a shady nightclub or brothel. For heaven's sake I was just going to the mosque to pray. I was simply waiting for a call from my father telling me I'd been 'seen' and no more mosque-praying anymore. Why can't women pray in the mosque? When I was abroad I used to go to the mosque every Friday. Men and women prayed together in the same prayer hall and listened to the sermon together. It was a spiritual family affair. We felt united. Muslims from all over the world praying together. Sadly, I felt more in touch with my religion when I was in a non-Muslim country than I do in Oman. I used to attend lectures at the mosque every week. The Muslim Student Association was active. Friday prayers at the mosque were wonderful. I was proud to be Muslim. I was encouraged by members of the Muslim community to study about Islam. When I came back to Oman it all changed. Nobody wants to talk about it. Traditions and tribes are more important than Islam sometimes. I cannot go to the mosque freely. Praying became a private thing. I don't have anyone to discuss Islam with (besides Rania :-). We are all Muslim but Islam is so mingled in with local traditions that it's hard to distinguish what's right and what's wrong. In Salalah people are not proud of Islam. They are proud of their tribe and their connections.

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16. Story (7): A small point that annoyed me. Remember when Rania and I met for the first time? We went to the beach to talk. It was the public Haffa beach. Hundreds of people hang out there every night. Men at the restaurants and women towards the end of the beach in groups with kids. Would you believe the number of emails we received from men accusing us of 'misbehavior' because we were on a beach alone together? With hundreds of other people? Fully clad in black from head to toe? What kind of misbehaving do you mean? Do you mean to tell us we should have dragged our brothers/husband along and had them watch us to make sure we didn't throw off the abaya and walk around in pink bikinis or something? Who the hell do you think you are writing to me telling me I'm a bad person because I met a friend in a public place at night? Who gave you the courage to type those letters and press the send button? What kind of a person are you?

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17. Reputation is all in Salalah. Let me enlighten you. When a girl is seen exchanging study notes with a male colleague at university, her reputation is ruined forever. Or so our men think. According to Dhofari men, women are like white sheets of paper. One little spot of ink and it's ruined. Yes, men have said that to me MANY times. And of course I assume men are black pieces of paper so no matter how much ink you pour onto them, they'll remain pure? As far as Dhofari men are concerned, a woman who is 'recognized' has ruined her reputation. A woman who even smiles at another man has ruined her reputation. A woman who flirted with the boy next door during her teens has ruined her reputation. A woman who drives is ruining her reputation. A woman who works I ruining her reputation. A woman who has an identity has no reputation. Reputation. Reputation. F*** reputation. Why can't a woman have a reputation for being smart, educated, strong, moral, a good mother?? What's wrong with being known? Why can't a woman have a reputation for being a businesswoman? Or a Sheikha at a mosque? Or a good teacher? Why can't men be proud of their women??? When a man approaches another man telling him 'I saw your wife doing this and this. Mashallah she's so smart', why can't the man go to his wife and say 'I'm so proud of you. People are saying good things about you', instead of getting annoyed because someone knows who she is?

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Need I mention that my brother insists I hide in my bedroom when the plumber or electrician is coming to the house to fix something? Need I mention that I'm not allowed to go out to my car when he's outside waiting for a friend to pick him up because it would be too shameful for his friend to see me, even though my face is covered???
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18. Why are women hidden behind locked doors? Is it because they are 'Fitna' (temptation) and may arouse men? Are men such animals? Why is it that one manager at my company refuses to deal with me face to face and will not look at me because I'm a woman. Is he trying to get a message through that he's religious and I'm a slut so he can't work with me? All I wanted was for him to sign a paper and let me know if he had any extra thoughts on the X program we were working on together (through email. Email is fine). I haven't seen him for six months even though he works in the same building. We correspond everyday by email but I've decided to avoid him because his behavior is an insult to me.

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19. I have met religious leaders who cannot even look at a woman and who say 'Istaghfurallah' whenever a woman enters the room (yes there are many of them). What kind of Islam do they practice? What kind of Muslim leaders are they? Do they believe they are good people? They've isolated themselves from society because everything is a temptation. I know of some religious leaders who cannot even look at their own sisters or wife without the hijab on. It upsets them too much. What kind of Islam is that?
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20. On a more positive note, I have met one or two religious leaders who are cheerful educated worldly people. They treated me like a human and I was truly inspired. I attended a few lectures by Sheikh Khalfan Al Esry at the Grand Mosque in Muscat. He is one of those enlightened souls who encourages you to love life and religion. He is the only religious leader I've ever met with a huge sense of humor. He is educated, well travelled, and just an enlightened human being. So many women in Muscat go to him for answers because he's always ready to address people's concerns and questions. We need more of him in Oman and less of the other type.

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21. And about circumcision, why do men feel that women MUST be circumcised? According to some men I know, a common myth is that women are sluts by nature, so in order to curb their desire, they must be circumcised at birth otherwise they'll spend their whole life chasing after men. Are you surprised dear readers? Circumcision still exists in Salalah. Not as much as before, but every girl my age is circumcised. And guess what? They cannot experience pleasure with their husbands most of the time because intercourse hurts so much. Men are full of lust and women see it as a terrible chore. I personally see having intercouse with a circumcised woman in pain as legal rape.

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22. What about polygamy? Dhofar is huge on polygamy. 99.99% of men who take on a second wife do so without any valid Islamic reason. To non-Muslims reading this, not all men can marry a 2nd wife. They must have a valid reason and these reasons are clearly stated in the Quran and Sunna. First of all, the first wife must agree. In Salalah, men don't even bother to ask their wives. They just go ahead and get married and sometimes they don't even tell their wives until the wedding day. What kind of respect is that? What kind of a Muslim does that? The whole idea of polygamy is totally screwed up in Dhofar, I'm sorry to say.

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23. The Glass Ceiling: although there are no 'legal' rules in Oman stopping women from travelling or working or being promoted, or driving or eating in public places, the rules are unwritten, generated by a male-dominated society. As a well-travelled young woman in a modern world, I feel it's my right to work, drive, travel, study, go to the mosque, meet people, have friends, go shopping with my sisters, etc, but deep down inside I KNOW that anyday this could all be taken away from me .... by a man. Do you have any idea what that feels like? To know that anyday your father might suddenly decide you can't work anymore, or he doesn't want you driving anymore, or I'm not allowed to go shopping without a man, or ... maybe a future husband? I'm terrified of marriage because I have seen so many friends who were lied to by their husbands before the wedding. All these empty promises 'Yes my dear, you can live your life and do what you want'. And the moment they get married, the man takes everything away. Just like that. Snap. In one moment, your whole life crumbles in front of you and the man's only excuse is 'مزاج' or 'I do what I want' (i.e. a woman's place is at home).

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Every woman knows that everything that she has built for herself can be taken away from her in one simple moment by a husband or father or brother. Every semi-free woman I know is never 100% confident about her life because she knows she may lose it all one day if her husband has a temper tantrum. Every woman knows her life is not entirely hers. WOMEN SHOULD NOT HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THAT.

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However, dear readers, I know this is the longest post and you're all cross-eyed by now and many of you are ready to attack me for my views, but let me highlight the positive points too. Salalah is definitely changing. Over the past several years more women are working and driving, and I've even started to notice women in restaurants and cafes. Hell, I've even seen women grocery shopping on their own. Salalah is definitely changing. But that's still not enough.

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What we need is more men who don't feel the need to control women. We need more men who respect women and are willing to see their wives as 'partners in life', not someone lower than them. YES these men exist in Salalah and I am meeting more of them each day. I know some of them are reading this now and you know who you are. I want to say 'Thank you' to these brave men who are defying the unwritten rules in society. Thank you to all the men who have helped women build their own lives and get up on their own two feet. Thank you to all the men who treat us with respect at home, at work, in stores, in schools.

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Thank you to the men who are looking for friendship and respect in marriage, not just a woman who will cook for them and iron their clothes and raise the kids on her own. Thank you to all the men who are not ashamed to help their wives in the kitchen or change a baby's diaper or make their wives a cup of coffee. Thank you to all the men who are brave enough to tell their friends 'I'm busy tonight. I'm taking my wife out to dinner'. Thank you to the young and older men who have put on a new pair of glasses and who have been able to see women as beautiful and enlightened creatures who can do so much more in the world. Thank you to all the husbands who are able to refer to their wives as 'Mona' or 'Fatma' to their friend instead of a simple الأهل (the family) because they're too ashamed to say the name. And finally, thank you to all the male relatives who have seen me around town and who didn't feel the need to run and tell my father I'd been seen.

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Finally, the end. I am interested to hear what men think and whether - as men- you truly feel the need to control your women? What about female readers from Oman or the South? Do you feel the discrimination? What have you experienced and how are you breaking out of the shell?

Polygamy = Less Divorce?

I'm officially on fire this morning, even though it's chilly outsides and my fingers are cold. I was reading my fellow blogger Reality's latest post titled "Less Divorce More Second Wives" . Our dear friend & controversial journalist Saleh Al Shaibany who writes scandalous articles for UAE newspaper 'The National' (remember my article on Omani Zombies? Yeah, that was him), published an article where he suggests that divorce rates have fallen in Oman as more men take second wives. You can read the article here.

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Do you mean to tell me, Mr. Saleh, that polygamy is the solution for Oman's social problems? Pain and broken families is going to solve the divorce problem?? Well Hallelujah! The perfect equation! I have seen so many families torn apart by fathers taking on second wives. Polygamy doesn't work anymore. Yes, there are some rare cases where men know how to treat their wives equally, but the majority of polygamists screw up.

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He's very good at writing articles without expressing his own opinion. The people he interviewed for this article do not represent the majority of married couples in Oman, that's for sure, and he even interviewed a marriage counsellor who had very little sympathy for first wives. “In my opinion, women have only themselves to blame for letting themselves go. They need to look after themselves and stay attractive,” Safiya Suleiman, a 58-year-old marriage counsellor, said.

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EXCUSE ME?

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Women need to look like tarts in order to 'maintain' their husbands? While taking care of a house and kids and a full-time job sometimes? Men are uncontrollable ? Is that what she's trying to say? And is this Safiya Suleiman really a marriage counsellor?? If yes, then perhaps Oman needs to hire more sensible humans to take on such positions.

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Anyway, I think this article is nonsense. Saleh wrote "According to statistics from the ministry of religious affairs, the divorce rate in Oman dropped by 12 per cent in 2008 from the previous year. At the same time, the number of men taking second wives increased by more than 20 per cent"..... Has anyone noticed it's 2010? Why is he presenting us with 2008 statistics? What about 2009? In my opinion, there is no relationship whatsoever between polygamy and divorce rates.

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I should have read the article 'after' my cup of coffee. Now I'm simply annoyed. Not a good way to start my day. I have fresh flowers in my office, though. They should cheer me up.

Salalah News Bulletin

Weather: Greetings from windy dusty Salalah. The past two days have been absolute hell for anyone with asthma, allergies, etc. There's a sandstorm everywhere you go, and everything is covered in a fine layer of dust. Cool, huh? the winds were so strong yesterday that four electricity poles fell over in Dahariz yesterday (thank goodness not onto the road, but into a banana plantation). This morning I noticed that one of the NEW lamp posts down the major highway looked like it was about to fall onto the road. Is the wind really that strong or did someone drive into it? In both cases, the thing weighs a ton so it shouldn't be tilting a couple of weeks after being installed firmly in the ground.

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Traffic: I've been having nightmares lately, and it only dawned upon me this morning that the reason for these nightmares is the number of car accidents I've witnessed over the past couple of weeks. It's serious. I don't know what's happening in this town, but I'm figuring one of the main reasons are that there are too many cars and not enough roads. Traffic is congested most of the day, and police officers are controlling traffic on the three major roundabouts twice a day during rush hour. This can't continue. The Government is going to have to find a solution whether to build bridges or build another highway. The situation is getting worse by the day, and the number of vehicle accidents have increased horribly over the past few months. I've seen about 5 accidents over the past 10 days where drivers were actually killed or seriously injured. It's depressing, sad, unnecessary, and are caused mostly by speeding. A woman was killed in her car last week because the guy behind her was speeding and his breaks weren't working properly so he hit her car and she (trying to avoid him) drove into the other lane and ended up flying over the median into oncoming traffic. May she rest in peace and may Allah guide other drivers to a safer path in life.
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Missing Bride: A friend of mine (victim of an arranged marriage scheme) was scheduled to get married during January. She has never spoken to her husband-to-be and her father would probably murder her (kidding) if she even expressed interest in getting to know him before the wedding. She's been trying to keep herself busy these past few weeks getting herself ready for the wedding. She's worried, and can't even sleep at night thinking about the stranger she's going to share her life with in a few weeks. Well, lucky for her, the plan was for her husband-to-be and his two brothers to get married on the same day (cost-saving techniques?), so the family searched for three brides. The brides were found (hurray!) and the wedding was scheduled. HOWEVER, bride number three decides she doesn't want to get married anymore, and the engagement was broken. So .. the current dilemma is 'Wedding Postponed Until Third Bride Found'. There's talk of the wedding being postponed until July. My friend is in ecstasy. Family frantic trying to find another bride. Do you know anyone up for grabs? 18- 20 years old (groom is 23)? Plump? White? Tall? For more details do not hesitate to call groom #3.

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Business & Whatnot: A certain Brokerage manager at a top capital markets company visited me in my office today and proceeded to pull out forms and booklets and brochures explaning the importance of investing in the stock market and other forms of investment. 'Why come to me?', I asked politely. Turns out they're targeting women. Yes women. Interesting move. Target women in their offices, brainwash them into thinking they should invest money in your company, and bribe them with tales of profit. I wonder how many women fell for it.

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Proposals: A friend of mine works at a bank. She's young, pretty, independent, and a workholic. Along with her father, she's the main provider for her family (young siblings). She drives, and is working on her MBA via correspondense. Last week an older gentleman approached her at the bank. She assumed he was a customer so she invited him to her office to see what he wanted. This is the exact speech he gave her "My dear girl, I may look like an old man but I'm only 55. I have two wives, one bedouin and one from the mountains. I have 8 children, most of them grown up. I want to know where your house is so I can come and propose officially. I will give you 50,000 Rials as a dowry as well as a new car of your choice, and I will give your father 25,000 Rials. I will give you your own home and you will be free to raise your children as you wish. All I ask is that you agree to marry me. The years are flying by and I need to feel young. I've seen you around town a lot and I feel you're the perfect person for me. So where is your house?". Can you even begin to imagine what she was feeling? The horror? She told him simply that she was engaged and Insha'allah he will find another bride then she pretended to be busy and went to her manager's office and hid there until he left. She called me immediately in hysterics. I laughed my head off obviously. I love Salalah.

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LGBT: Anyone noticed that all the gay dudes who worked at Centrepoint disappeared? Wonder why...

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Behavior: I was a little surprised this morning when I met with a manager of one of Salalah's leading energy companies, and he extended his hand to shake mine. I smiled at him and thanked him but refused to shake. He looked a little puzzled and asked why? I was thinking to myself "what do you mean, why? I'm Muslim!", but I simply said 'Oh, I prefer not to. So how are you? What's new on the scene?". He didn't give up. Need I mention that he is a Dhofari from the mountains? Yes he studied abroad but has he seriously forgotten what Salalah is all about? he proceeded to lecture me on work ethics, etc. His logic was that in a work environment, I should shake men's hands when extended because it's purely professional. I argued back that no man had extended his hand in over two years (since my former manager, an expat, which is understandable). Anyway, we argued for a bit then I forced him to change the subject and get on with our meeting. P.E.S.T.

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That's all for today folks. I'm exhausted and over-worked. Coffee.

Marriage vs. Love

I've been wanting to write about the concept of marrying for love or agreeing to an arranged marriage, in Omani society. It's an issue that we, the generation of 20-35 year-olds in Oman struggle with everyday-freakin-day. My fellow blogger Reality wrote an excellent post on this topic, and the responses are excellent too, so I recommend you read her post on Marriage vs. Love.

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My favorite hobby these days seems to be aimless driving with a friend chattering in the passenger seat (Yes, you know who you are). We can drive around Salalah for 2-3 hours with absolutely no purpose besides getting something cold to drink. Anyway, yesterday we were discussing this same topic exactly. We were trying to figure out how the hell we (the young women of today), are supposed to know who to marry. When do you 'know' that this is the right person to marry? What determines that feeling? Did we believe in marrying for love (I don't think I believe in that anymore). Is compatability without deep love enough to marry someone? Do you trust your family enough to allow them to choose your partner? Should you marry someone who shares some of the same interests and hope for the best? Should the person have the same sort of background or family? Should you or should you not discuss marriage expectations down to the very last details before getting married? Should you just pray Istikhara and hope for the best?

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In a conservative society like Salalah where interaction between males and females is almost non-existent, how do you find a partner? I swear, most of my friends have nightmares about this every night. Worrying about getting married. Worrying about being called into the family living room one day and being informed that they're marrying their cousin or a man from the tribe (always preferrable in Salalah!). Worrying about finding someone suitable but afraid of upsetting their family. Worrying about falling in love and then their families refusing.

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Should we get to know someone before deciding to get married? How much should you know before doing that? Are long phone conversations enough? Long chats online? Face-to-face meetings which are virtually impossible in Salalah? Or should you just pray and hope for the best? How important is 'love' when trying to make the big decision? Does 'love' blur your thoughts and mess up your logic? Is marrying someone from your 'tribe' or from a sister tribe really that important? Will our families continue to influence every single detail of us choosing a partner? Will we actually be able to 'choose' a partner?

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My driving pal and I 'want' to believe that if a man and woman discover that they are spiritually/religiously compatible and on the same spiritual path that this is enough to get married. But does it always work out? I'd like to believe that.

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You know what? I've always heard women's side of the story. I discuss these issues with women. Girls like myself. Bloggers, friends, neighbors, colleagues. Females. We have the same concerns and worry about the same things usually. But I'd really like to know what the guys think. So, dear male readers of Dhofari Gucci, I'd like your opinion on this matter. My female readers are expected to write of course, but this is a special request to my male readers. What are the important issues for you when choosing a girl to marry? What does your family want you to do, and what do you yourself believe in? Calling all men!