My Belated Women's Day Post

Goodness I've been lazy. I have notes written all over the place for the blog, but then I get sucked in to the 'holy-shit-the-world-is-falling-apart' mode and I lose the will to live. Is anyone else feeling this? I find it so difficult to blog about 'Salalah' when so many major things are happening in the world. The refugee crisis, climate change,Orange Face, women's rights, Syria, etc etc. Is it right to be sucked in regularly? Is it selfish to want to switch off? Am I doing enough? Am I not doing enough? 

Last week I felt the feminist blogging fire erupt after Salalah launched its first 'Ladies Mall'. Yes, a LADIES mall. And guess what? The photo in the newspaper of the opening showed men cutting the red ribbon surrounded by an arch of pink balloons. Not a woman in the photo. A 'men's initiative' apparently. I asked around. 

I was so pissed off. There are so many wrong things about this. Is this what we've come to? Men launching a women's mall to brainwash their women into thinking they are independent and respected? Salalah at its best. Herding women into a corner. Encouraging 'entrepreneurship' (i.e. selling frankincense and starting a home-baking business). They're happy to support women as long as it's within the limits they impose. DRIVES ME CRAZY.

Why can't you raise your girls to be strong and smart and sensible? Then you won't have to worry about them 'misbehaving' and you won't have to constantly obsess about how to chaperone them and control them. Treat them like humans from the day they are born and encourage them to be active members of society. 

I know TWO young women who were married off recently in 'arranged marriages'. University-educated women. Smart women. And I know for sure that they weren't entirely happy about it. Imagine! Someone else making life's big decision FOR YOU. As if you aren't capable enough of making your own decision.. . . especially when it comes to choosing a life partner. 

I hired a smart young woman a couple of years ago and during the offer-signing process, her father came to my office demanding to know what her salary would be. I refused to disclose such information and he made such a fuss about it. 'She's my daughter!!! I have every right to know her salary!!! She will be paying me monthly!!!!'. This is what women go through. I know so many women who were forced by their families to take out a loan the moment they got a job. 

A colleague of mine is university-educated, smart, excellent English, hard-working, ... a shining star at work. Constantly taking on new projects and challenging herself. A very serious employee. I predict a managerial position for her in the next 10 years. She's that kind of person. All nice and dandy, right? Except her husband won't 'let' her drive and gets whiny and sulky when she has to travel to Muscat for one or two days business trips (with other females). 

Examples like these are what drive me so mad. Examples like these remind me (and should remind you) that no, it's not all ok in Oman. Muscat may be modern and supportive of women's independence, but the rest of the country has a long way to go. 

There were plenty of people writing about the positive accomplishments in Oman for Women's Day (March 8) but it's not enough to just highlight the good stuff. It's good for SOME people, but a large portion of female society is still fighting for basic rights. The problem isn't legislation alone (marriage, divorce, inheritance.... these laws are so discriminatory, don't get me started). It's families. It's society. It has to start at home. 

If you are reading this and you have young daughters or are close to young girls, please support them. Get them a science kit instead of a barbie doll. Teach them how to rollerblade instead of manicures. Show them a world map. Take them to 'Hidden Figures' instead of princess movies. Buy them books. Tell them they can be whatever they want to be. Tell them they can change the world. They will thrive if they have a support network. Be that support network. 

Over and out for now. 

Nadia. 

The Times They Are A Changin: A Look Into The World of Shura Elections

Before I spew forth one more word, rest assured that I speak only of practices in Salalah. I am not familiar whatsoever with election practices in other parts of Oman.

Oman's Majlis Al Shura is the only version of an elected parliament that Oman can speak of. The duties of this group of men consultative assembly are no where near those of a proper parliament, but they are something nonetheless. The members are sometimes ridiculous, and at other times effective. I've watched various live discussions they've had, and some have been ... well.... a little embarrassing.(example, demanding an educational children's channel to raise our kids on our behalf... yup, sounds like a critical item on the agenda for parliament). Nevertheless, having an elected body is a step in the right direction. We have a long way to go, though. 

Official schpeal sources will tell you that Majlis Al Shura is the only democratically elected legislative body in Oman. Unfortunately, our version of democracy is a little skewed. If you wish to read more about the duties of Majlis Al Shura, refer to this shallow little piece from Wikipedia. 

The Majlis Al Shura consists of 84 members representing all Wilayat of Oman. Because Salalah is a large-ish wilaya, we get to elect 2 members. Every four years, people in Salalah trundle along to local voting centers to select their candidates. The next elections are in October. Sounds all nice and dandy, right? Wrong. 

Despite the fact that Oman doesn't allow political parties officially (which completely defies the concept of democracy), political parties exist indeed in the south of Oman... in the form of tribes and tribal alliances. Tribal politics are complicated but they are intense politics nonetheless.

When it comes to Majlis Al Shura elections, the Wilayat of Salalah is divided into three political parties:

Group 1: The Qara Tribes... in other words, most of the mountain tribes within the wilayat of Salalah mountains. I'll not list any tribal names to avoid being arrested for causing havoc.

Group 2: The Al Kathir tribes... in other words, the fancy schmancy town tribes in addition to a few bedouin tribes, etc.

Group 3: The Salalah ِAlliance.... a mix of minorities (black families, small town tribes, some mountain families, etc). In essence, a large alliance of smaller groups. 

Around election time, these three groups become very active. The number of meetings increase, tribal male discussions heat up, and the number of alert bodies at our lovely intelligence hub increases. Of course, Oman will never officially admit that political parties exist in the form of tribal alliances, but rest assured they do. 

Now, from my modest observation as a redundant female (not of any value to the alliances), I have found that the third party, known as the Salalah Alliance, are more progressive. They've always been more progressive. The reason probably goes back to the fact that they are a group of minorities. They may not be so obsessed with tribal power. This is just my observation.

So, the big question is, ... how do the alliances nominate their candidates? And how do they secure votes? Well, they've all been following almost the same exact method for years. I'll give you an example: The Qara Tribes have a simple rotation method. Every four years, one of their tribes in  a particular alliance gets to select the nominee from within their tribe. This year, it's the turn of the T****k tribe. The male members of this tribe will have dozens of intense meetings and will finally nominate someone to represent the Qara Group in the elections. Meanwhile, all the Qara Tribes will be busy counting the number of eligible voters to estimate the number of votes this person will get on election day. They automatically assume that every adult in the Qara Tribes will vote for the person nominated within the T****k tribe. Fair or not, this is how their system works. 

The same thing will be happening in the other alliances... people counting the number of eligible voters within their tribes. So basically before election day even arrives, people have a pretty clear idea of who will win. They automatically assume that everyone over the age of 21 is going to blindly vote for the person the men chose in their closed meetings. 

My own family goes around counting the number of women and men over the age of 21. On election day, I'm normally given strict instructions on whom to vote for. I usually vote based on these instructions because I know nothing of the other candidates. When you go to the Ministry of Interior's website, they should have a list of all the candidates from Oman with their resume/CV and picture, etc.They never bother with updating their website, so there's no way in hell I can know who the other nominees are and whether they deserve my vote. It's the crappiest system e.v.e.r. 

So back to the tribal rotation system.... I tried raising the obvious question to a member of the T****k tribe, "What if you can't find a suitable candidate in your tribe this year?". He got all huffy and puffy and said they WILL. I dropped the subject, but it's been bothering me... 

Are we just supposed to assume there are a dozen qualified male members in each tribe that are ready to run for parliament?  Sounds impossible to me, so I'm pretty sure they often end up selecting the best of the worst just to keep up with tribal alliance tradition. 

I have had zero faith in the Shura system because of these tribal practices. Every year the more senior men in my alliance will get together and argue about who to nominate from the alliance for a particular election. They'll finally agree on someone, and then at the very last moment shuffle their women over to the voting centres and force them to vote. Why the heck should women have a say anyway in selecting the alliance's candidate? We're only the guaranteed vote. We're only second-class citizens, and tribal politics are male-oriented anyway. 

Sarcasm aside, something remarkable happened this year. I'm  still in awe. 

The Salalah Alliance (Group 3) decided to do something different (I told you they were progressive.. not Netroots Nation progressive, but for us ... progressive). They decided to follow a strict evaluation process to select the candidate who will represent the Salalah Alliance this year. Yes you heard me right, a formal EVALUATION PROCESS. Not a group of men around a fire sipping tea and throwing around names, but an actual P.R.O.C.E.S.S. 

The alliance had around 8 final candidates. These candidates went through a tough evaluation session on Saturday August 8th. I'm pretty sure there was zero media coverage at this event, so I'm reporting about it here because I find it truly remarkable for such a tribal society. 

The alliance chose six panelists I believe (those who question the candidates and challenge them). The panelists included the likes of the head of Oman's Journalism Association. They then selected 40 judges/evaluators from within the alliance (the evaluators being well educated, qualified, balanced male members of the alliance). They then selected a further 8-10 observers from outside the alliance. These were also highly educated and experienced men.  

On Saturday August 8th, that roomful of men witnessed history in the making. The eight (I think eight) candidates had to sit before this crowd, be interrogated by six panelists, and then be judged by 40 evaluators, while being monitored by a group of observers. 

How were they evaluated? They followed a 40/60 method. 40% being the qualifications and experience of the candidates, and 60% being the person's plan and performance in front of the judges. Each judge had to fill in scores on pieces of paper. A separate committee filtered through these scores and announced the winner. 

The Salalah Alliance officially selected Dr. Mohammed Al Ghassani as their final candidate following a strict, monitored, evaluation process. Do you have ANY idea what this means? This could be the beginning of the end for tribal powers in Salalah since Majlis Al Shura has always been one of their major ways of exercising tribal power. 

The other two alliances, Qara Tribes, and Al Kathir are following the same old tribal rotation system, but I'm pretty sure they've taken note of the new path the Salalah Alliance have taken and I'm pretty sure soon enough they'll do something similar and start choosing candidates based on qualifications/competence. 

I'm sure there were few glitches in the evaluation process, but it's still a remarkable first step towards proper democracy. I'm in awe. Did I already say that?

So, two more major questions remain for those of you who are not familiar with our system?

Question One: What actually happens on election day? 

Answer: all voters will head to the voting centers. There will be a list of candidate from Salalah. There will be three main candidates representing the three alliances, The Qara Tribes, The Al Kathir Alliance, and the Salalah Alliance. There may also be a small number of stand-alone poor souls who've bravely stood for parliament even though they know they don't stand a chance against the candidates from the three alliances who have a guaranteed number of pre-determined votes. 

By the end of election day, two of the three alliances will have won the Salalah seats in parliament. Normally it's the Salalah Alliance and the Qara Tribes. 

Question Two: Where the heck do women fit in?

Answer: They Don't. 

Well, actually, they do. Women are considered guaranteed votes. We have no say whatsoever in nominating someone, but on election day we are blackmailed and forced by our male relatives to go and vote for the person they chose around that fire while sipping tea. 

In terms of standing for parliament, another remarkable thing happened this year. One of the Salalah Alliance candidates was a WOMAN until the very last minute. She backed out at the last minute before the evaluation session on the 8th of August because according to a source who spoke to her "She didn't think voters are ready for a woman". I think she's pretty qualified, and I'm pretty sure she would have continued if men hadn't convinced her to back down. Pretty sure it wasn't her own decision. Nevertheless, kudos to her for stepping forward in the first place. Some women have stood for parliament before, but they've been loners, not nominated by one of the three big alliances. Salalah has never had a female member of parliament. In fact, Oman's record as a whole sucks. I think at the moment there's one woman? Or is it down to zero now? 

Overall, women in Salalah are nothing more than guaranteed votes when it comes to the tribal alliances for Majlis Al Shura. I asked my T****k pal if the women in his tribe will have a say in the selected candidate this year, and he almost bit my head off. Why would I suggest such a ridiculous thing?

I have plenty more questions to ask, so I've sent out feelers into my social network to find out the following:

1) Whose idea was it to deviate from the norm and do something sensible?

2) How were the 40 judges selected?

3) What kinds of questions were the candidates asked on August 8th?

4) Why the heck weren't there any women in that room on August 8th? At least as observers? 

5) What was the exact criteria on those evaluation sheets? 

6) Are more tribes going to join the Salalah Alliance because they now have a fair system in place?

7) Have other parts of Oman caught wind of this?

8) Are people from other alliances going to secretly vote for Dr. Mohammed Al Ghassani because they believe he was actually selected properly based on competence? 

Overall, remarkable change. 

I'll update you if I get more details or answers to the questions listed above. Thanks for listening reading to the end of the post. I really appreciate it.

Your Truly,

Nadia 

Monday Night

Greetings from rainy wet muddy delightfully cheerful Salalah. 

First of all, thank you for those of you who commented on my previous post and for the many readers who emailed me privately to express their support/their own beliefs. It means the world to me.

Now, for news updates from our end of the country:

1) Salalah is officially invaded. Review my post from 2012. Nothing has changed. I avoid leaving the house at all times. Last weekend I went grocery shopping at 8:30  a.m to avoid the tourists, and the supermarket was still packed. Oh well.

(road from Ittin to mountains - avoid at all costs)

2) Very sad news today about the bodies of two missing young men from the UAE who drowned in Mirbat after attempting to swim in the ocean. Despite the signs up everyone saying "DON'T SWIM FROM MAY TO OCTOBER", people continue to risk their lives every year. Then every year we hear sad news about tourists who drown. 

3) I was VERY pleased to hear that Big Bus Tours is running tours in Salalah this khareef. It's 7 rials per person for 24 hours. The tour is 1 1/2 hours long and takes off from Salalah Gardens Mall main parking lot. You can get brochures with the route at the tourist kiosk in the mall near Carrefour (opposite Red Tag). 

4) Rumor has it that a mother-daughter duo (from Italy!) have opened up an authentic lasagna restaurant (take-out) in Salalah. It's on airport road (near Dhofar Hotel). The food is incredibly good. I'm heading there ASAP. 

5) The Festival: started officially on July 23rd but some of the exhibitions and attractions aren't open yet, so I'm waiting a few more days before I go to visit. For more details on the festival and news in Salalah, listen to Oman English FM (90.4) from 7-8 pm every evening. Informative program with interesting interviews. They have a new correspondent (Hani Al Baraka). He and Talal are doing Salalah proud. 

6) Dahariz Beach: has gone through a complete makeover. There is a lovely new walkway, barbecue areas, little gazebo thingies, and lots of seating area for about a kilometer. They're also about to open up a huge Al Makan Cafe (popular in Muscat). I've been walking there. It's a great place to be outdoors while avoiding the crowds. Tourists tend to head more towards the mountains during the monsoon with very few people congregating on beaches (the waves are rough because of the monsoon)

7) Oman lover and author Maria Dekeersmaeker has published yet another book on Oman. The new book is called Whispers of Oman and it is essentially stories about women. I can't wait to get my hands on it. Her book "The DNA of Dhofar" is also in my possession. Despite its unique structure, it's very informative. If you see any hard copies of the new book let me know.

8) RAFO roundabout is NO MORE. Salalah's infamous fountain roundabout that changes colors is gone. There is a story about that roundabout. Apparently back when it was first build, people had never seen color-changing fountains before. An old woman thought His Majesty had built a juice fountain to quench the thirst of all Dhofaris.  Well, it's gone now. In its place is an efficient set of traffic lights that have made our lives much much easier this week. They were inaugurated on Saturday. 

9) Most importantly, Lulu is selling caffeine-free coke. You have no idea what this means to me. Occasionally (like once every week or two weeks) I crave a coke. Problem is, I'm becoming increasingly caffeine intolerant. I have my coffee at 7 am. Anything after about 11 a.m will have me doing an Irish jig at midnight.

That's all for now folks. Back to snorting at Tom Hanks in Carly Rae Jepsen's video "I really like you". I finally got around to watching it.

Nadia 

PS (will the new Mall of Oman have Ikea? That's all that matters to me)

A Twisted Kind of Love

No, this isn't the post I was referring to earlier. That one is still cooking. Today's post is the result of an 'Aha!' moment I had yesterday morning when a wonderful human being (you know who you are) enlightened me with one sentence that suddenly made sense. It all started with me ranting on as usual about people in Dhofar interfering in each others' business non-stop and continuously bombarding you with unwanted advice. 

I'll give you an example. Recently I was at Carrefour in Salalah in the home section ... in the corner where the annoying voice attracts you with 'Everlock! The solution to all your problems! The suction cup system that holds and holds and holds....'. Yes, that corner. 

As I was attempting to choose a few boxes to store my ever-growing pile of papers, notes, musings, and writing... I heard someone approach me. High heels. I stuck my head deeper into the boxes hoping whoever it is walks by without recognizing me. You see, I'm not very social. I don't like to be out in public particularly in shopping malls or supermarkets unless it's at 9:00 am on a Friday morning (as Travelallergy so very well knows since we tend to shop at the same time). 

Anyway, I wasn't lucky. The heels stopped two feet away from me and I hear the usual "Nadia? Are you Nadia?". I look up and see a woman in a burqa (face veil). I smile politely and nod my head. She immediately sticks both her hands out and takes my right hand in both of hers. 

Weird Woman: "Nadia?? It's you? Daughter of X and X? Cousin of X and X?"

Me: "Yes, that's me. I'm sorry I don't recognize you. Who are you?"

Weird Woman: "Did you sister get married recently?"

Me: "Uh, yes. Who are you again? Sorry I didn't get your name..."

Weird Woman "Oh, but she's younger than you, no?"

Me "Um, yeah"

Weird Woman "You know Nadia, everyone knows that you studied abroad and are independent and everything, but you really shouldn't see marriage as an obstacle to your life .."

Me: (by then I'd given up finding out who she was) "Don't worry. Insha'allah everything will be fine"

Weird Woman "Yes, but you've reached an age where you need to start making sacrifices and getting married. You can't let past experiences or other people's experiences stop you from getting married"

Me: "Um, ok?"

Weird Woman "Look at your cousin X and sister Y. They rejected the idea of an arranged marriage at first. But look at them now, they're settled and content"...

Me: "Um, thanks. I'm kind of in a hurry to meet someone in ten minutes, so..."

Weird Woman "Really, you should open your mind to marriage. It's time. Stop being difficult. The more independent you get, the fewer men you'll get. It's not worth it"

Me: "Ok, well thanks. See you around" 

I walk away fuming and thinking to myself "who the hell does she think she is? I don't even know her! she didn't even give me her name!!! I HATE THIS TOWN"  as I pull out my emergency packet of Dettol wipes (I have OCD and can't stand the idea of someone holding my hand ...I had to disinfect immediately)

If you think that conversation that took place was weird and completely rude, then you're probably an expat. In Dhofar it's completely normal. People do it to each other every day ... all day. And if you're an expat living in Salalah they probably do it to you too. (why don't you wear an abaya? It will make you more beautiful. Why not wear makeup?  Teacher, you should do this or eat this or wear this, etc, etc) 

In that past one week alone, I've been told to wear the veil, stop driving, become more demure, wear more makeup, wear less makeup, get married, not get married, eat, not eat, lose weight, not lose weight, etc, etc. 

It's insane.

It drives me crazy.

And there's nothing I can do about it.

Another example, one of my cousins got married to a girl who is slightly darker than he is. The girl is extremely pretty and wears makeup to match her skin color (i.e. not Marylin Manson white please click on that link). At a family lunch, a bunch of women approached the groom's sisters and proceeded to inform them that they NEED to advise their new sister in law to wear more makeup because it's shameful to be darker than the groom. 

Yes, they had the nerve to approach the family with serious faces with serious advice concerning something that is none of their business. 

Here's three main points one needs to keep in mind before telling a Dhofari to 'F*** Off' if they offer unwanted advice: 

(1) They really do believe from the bottom of their hearts that they're doing you a FAVOR. 

(2) They give you advice because this society is all about conformity. They want you to be just like them. Take it as a compliment.

(3) When they interfere in your business and ask you personal questions and insist that you answer them, it's because they're looking for flaws in your life that they can help make better. 

(4) They do it out of love.

Ok, so you're probably thinking I've gone nuts. But I haven't. Yesterday morning I was sipping coffee with that wonderful person and complaining to them about someone else who keeps offering advice and telling me what I'm doing wrong (everyday, all day). The wonderful person (we'll call him W.P) chuckled and said "But Nadia, it's a form of love". 

I stopped for a moment and looked at him blankly. Love? What love? Telling me I need to start wearing the burqa is a form of love? Telling me I'm too liberal and I need to calm down is a form of love? Telling me I shouldn't be driving is a form of love? Telling me I should make myself whiter is a form of love? What the heck was he talking about?

Then, when I let it sink in for a little bit I realized he may be right. They don't do it because they're horrible, nosy and rude people. They do it because it's their way of expressing caring. When you live differently, they worry about it. It keeps them awake at night. They want everyone to be the same (collectivism at its best). They feel comfortable and secure when everyone around them lives the same way they do. Dhofaris are terrified of change. They want society to remain the same. When someone tries to do something different they stick out like a sore thumb. Society then does its best to correct that by offering advice. 

This isn't an affectionate society. It isn't a society where people openly express love or their feelings. Hell no. People here express their love in different ways. When someone dies they'll be the first people at the funeral helping to get things organized. When you get married, they'll support you. And most of all, they'll offer advice. On everything and anything. 

It drives private people like me CRAZY. But if I look at it from a different perspective, it becomes easier to handle. 

So thank you W.P for phrasing it like you did. It's a form of love.

Oh well.

Nadia. 

Bitterness.

Why yes, my last post was on January 20th. And yes, about a MILLION things have happened since then. I was planning a post on Saturday March 8th to mark International Women's Day. But then horrible things happened that made me despise the way women are treated in Oman sometimes, so I put that post on hold. I didn't want to vent 'on' women's day itself otherwise I'll get harassed by all the Oman internet trolls who have nothing else to do and who keep accusing me of spreading Oman's dirty laundry to the 'expats'. Well, why should we hide? Problems don't get solved unless you bring them out into the open and talk about them. I can't become a renaissance spokesperson who assures the world that things are peaches and cream in Oman as usual. Life isn't peaches and cream anywhere. And I'm not anyone's spokesperson. I'm Nadia. A blogger. A fierce feminist in the works. Someone who feels more comfortable highlighting issues through writing. I'm not a social person. But I'm strong-willed and determined to improve the situation of women in Oman, in whichever way I can. Blogging is only one aspect of my life. I do a lot more. And I will do a lot more until I feel satisfied in my old age that I have contributed to the empowerment of women in my conservative society (Dhofar). 

Several incidents over the past two months have caused me to grow very bitter at times. These incidents involve ill-treatment and disrespect towards women close to me. I have tossed and turned in bed for nights on end with a heavy heart. Sometimes I think things are improving, then society turns around and slaps me in the face to remind me that shit still exists for women. I'm lucky, but many women around me are not. Forced marriages, social-pressue, in-law abuse, control-freaks, etc etc etc. Salalah is not going to change fast. 

I will try to write when I am not so bitter... not so angry. I will try to be objective and less furious in my writing. It is difficult but I will try.

Until then, I hope you forgive me for not writing everyday like I used to. I'm working full time and completing an additional degree. It's not easy. I had to prioritize. Few months and I'll be back to normal. 

Yours from my quiet corner in Dhofar, 

Gucci 

To Discuss or Not to Discuss?

A few days ago I just happened to be in an office with a few colleagues (male) after a meeting and one of them joked about Oman being ranked second in the Arab World  for women's rights, etc. Yes I can personally attest to the fact that Oman is an awesome place for women... BUT, that doesn't at all mean we can pretend problems don't exist (a technique we all know so very well). Since they brought it up, I started pointing out that there are definitely things that require improvement in Oman.. but that we're on the right track.

 

They casually told me that nothing requires improvement and that Oman and Islam have granted women every right they need. I started listing the things that I felt stood in the way of female empowerment in Oman (Examples: the right to marry/divorce, freedom of movement, the right to marry a non-Omani, and the huge societal pressures that block women from living the life they want... particularly in conservative areas of Oman like Dhofar).

 

These colleagues I was talking to are western-educated and spent a considerable amount of time abroad. They see themselves as 'open-minded' and 'liberal'. Both had girlfriends their 'abroad lives' and female friends, etc, etc. You know, the typical Omani scenario. But they came home to Oman, married their first cousin, and live completely traditional lives.

 

To my horror, they flipped and point-blank accused me of promoting 'Western ideologies' in Dhofar and warned me of how dangerous it is. To them, women in Dhofar shouldn't be working and mixing with men because "a little freedom will lead to huge corruption" (an exact quote). To them, a woman's place is at home because if she works, her children will be raised badly. To them, allowing women to drive means giving them the freedom to date and move around as they like (the horror!). To them, promoting women's right to divorce is absurd (currently an Omani man can divorce his wife in court without her knowing, and the court doesn't even bother to make sure she knows - same goes with marriage). To them, female empowerment will 'destroy society'.

 

So, yes Omani legislation may grant women their 'rights' (Oman ratified CEDAW in 2005 with reservations on several articles not in line with Islamic Sharia law) but in Oman, I've said it and I'll say it again "Society is more powerful than the law". If your brother or father or uncle or husband decides you can't work, then forget any dreams of working. If they decide you're not allowed to study, then forget about it. If they don't let you drive, then you don't drive. If they don't let you go anywhere without a chaperone, then you aren't going anywhere. The list is long, but this is how our girls in Salalah live. This is their reality.

 

These men told me that girls aren't 'trustworthy' or 'responsible' enough to be given freedom. THEY SAID THAT. I asked them why; they answered that this is how women are. I told them if they raised their daughters differently things will change. They said society will never change. I disagreed.

 

These men at work accused me of 'living in an unrealistic bubble' and 'promoting western ideologies'. Since when has making my own choices in life been a western and unrealistic ideology? I humor society by being timid and quiet in public, by wearing the black abaya, by attending the social gatherings required of me.... etc. Yet I still have the freedom (thanks to my family) to work, drive, travel, run my own errands, and make my own decisions. They raised me differently. I told my colleagues that this is possible for all girls. Change is possible, if slow.

 

The conversation took a turn for the worse when they told me that my ideas were un-Islamic and that Islam grants women full dignity 'within the four walls of her home'. I chose to end the conversation at that since I don't want to delve into any discussion of Islam with people who have mixed up cultural values with Islamic ones. My Islam is different. My faith in God is strong, but I am not afraid of using my head to challenge myself and the traditions I grew up with.

 

As you can see, the conversation with these colleagues upset me. It ruined my mood for the rest of the day and had me thinking. Deep inside me I know change is coming and that it's possible to live life to the fullest without giving up religious values. I don't agree with the current lives girls live in Salalah, a life dictated by 'society' and 'what will people say', and when the girls attempt to challenge society then religion is brought in as the final force to shut these girls up and keep them behind closed doors.

 

So.... no, things aren't all peaches and cream in Oman.

 

I'm sorry for sounding so negative, but that whole discussion left me with a sinking feeling in my stomach. It was a reminder of the society I live in.

 

Sigh.

The Dreaded Maghboor

Only Dhofaris would understand what this post is about just by reading the title. A slight warning, this post is a mini-rant, not an objective analysis of social customs.

 

In Dhofar, the word 'Maghboor' مغبور or 'Maghbair' مغبير is a term that every man has to live with... every month from the moment his friends start to get married till the day he dies.

 

As many of you know from my previous posts about the south of Oman, Dhofari weddings are quite an event. A typical scenario will involve a young man telling his mother he wants to get married. She will turn on her 'bride radar' and get to work (along with all the aunts and sisters) to find a suitable bride. She will start visiting relatives with eligible daughters. She will attend more and more weddings of distant relatives just to see how the unmarried girls look like in dresses. Naturally, unmarried girls spend ages preparing for weddings anyway in order to catch the attention of future mothers-in-law.

 

Once the bride has been chosen, the mother and aunts will make contact with the prospective bride's mother and aunts. The women will work it all out between themselves and then the men will finally be informed. The groom's father or uncle (or the groom himself) will call the prospective bride's father to ask for his daughter's hand in marriage. The father will graciously tell him that he has to ask his daughter. Both parties pretend the women haven't figured out all the logistics beforehand. Father asks daughter, she agrees, a dowry and wedding date is set, then the son goes back to his father to figure out expenses.

 

Now ... this brings us to the Maghboor part. Assuming the girl's father asked for a dowry of OMR 6000, and it will cost the son perhaps OMR 10,000 to set up his 'room' and fix some things in the house(decoration, fancy hideous furniture, perfume cupboard stocked with the world's most expensive bukhoor, etc, etc). Add on the actual wedding expenses which usually involve renting a hotel ballroom  for 400 women ... that's around OMR 4000. Then the men's wedding involves slaughtering a handful of innocent cows, drinks, halwa, coffee, tent, rice .... (meh... another OMR 6000).

 

Do the math. It's about 26,000-30,000 Omani Rials. That's what it costs to build a small house, buy three cars, or four bachelor degrees at Dhofar University. All so you can live in a little bedroom with a girl you don't really know.

 

So how do they fund this? Well, .... that's where the Maghboor comes in.

 

On the actual men's wedding day (often a few days before the women's wedding when the bride actually gets to see his dolled up wife for the first time), men from far and wide will come to the tent to congratulate the groom and pay the 'maghboor'. Several hundred (or thousand) men will come to the men's tent and after greeting the groom and his family will head to the table where a man (usually a relative) sits with a big blue notebook and a box. A guest will pay anything from OMR 10 to two or three hundred rials, and the book-keeper will put the man's name down and the amount next to his name. By the end of the day, the groom sometimes ends up with anything from OMR 5000 to 20,000 cash paid by all his relatives and friends. That ends up covering most of the wedding costs. Distant relatives will pay around 20 rials. Close relatives will pay 100 each usually.

 

Awesome system, right?

 

Maybe not.

 

Sometimes I think it's a great social investment... but then again, you keep that darned blue book in your home forever and ever. Whenever any of the people who paid towards your wedding get married (or their sons or cousins or whoever), you have to go to their weddings and pay the same amount they paid towards you or more. It's all fine and dandy until you end up having to attend weddings every single month. It ends up being like a life-long loan towards society.

 

A friend of mine had to go to SIX WEDDINGS last week. He spent 400 rials in one day paying towards weddings. He's only 28. Is it fair? Is it worth it?

 

Even stranger, some town tribes do the same with women. Women hand money over to the mothers of the groom at the women's wedding.

 

All this money being passed around each month. Everyone in debt. Everyone struggling to keep up with these traditions. But stop for a minute and think about our friend the groom who spent all that money but all he has left is a little bedroom with a set of furniture and hideous décor (and a wife on the side). No everyone gets enough Maghboor to cover a large chunk of the weddings expenses. Someone I know spent 35,000 rials on his marriage but only got OMR 8000 out of the men on the wedding day.

 

Is this system logical anymore? If I were a man spending 26,000 on a wedding, I'd invest it in something that will last (like a home..... or a honeymoon?). Oh, I forgot the honeymoon. If a groom decides to take his wife to the usual spots (Thailand or Malaysia) then that adds even more expenses.

 

All the girl has to do is receive her dowry, spend it on things she doesn't need to impress people she doesn't even know. Thobes, abayas, gold, perfueme , bukhoor, etc. She then has to spend months oiling and dolling herself up for her 'husband'. That's all she does.

 

Somewhere in there is a lot of unfairness and a lot of  illogical expectations. If everyone in Salalah were to secretly vote on this, I'm willing to bet they're all ready to ditch these traditions. Times are hard, life is more expensive, and its just not feasible anymore to keep up with these traditions. Men spend an average of anything from 100 to 1000 a month on weddings. Surely that money could go somewhere better? Savings perhaps?

 

The reason I'm ranting is because I was made to pay towards a wedding of some distant relative because it was 'duty'. I've never even met this relative and never even went to the wedding.

 

Your thoughts?

Disturbing Propaganda in our Schools

Recently, I walked into Lulu Hypermarket in Dhofar only to see this huge banner hanging between the two escalators. It goes something along the lines of:

 "A Muslim woman's dress is not something to fool around with. It is not something for designers to play with. It is religion and it is identity. It is a woman's way to God. As the Prophet's (PBUH) said, the scantily dressed do not go to heaven and won't come anywhere near it".  How can we lose heaven over a piece of clothing?".

There were other posters as well. As a Muslim woman who covers from head to toe and whose abaya is baggy enough for an army, I found the posters extremely offensive. In fact, referring to these posters as 'Islamist propaganda' isn't far fetched. I refer here to 'Islamism', not 'Islam'. Islamism has several definitions but it can be defined as a set of ideologies holding that "Islam should guide social and political as well as personal life". 

I had intended to blog about this earlier but decided against it. However, yesterday I was speaking to a concerned teacher at a local high school who claims this 'Covering-up-is-the-only-way-to-God' campaign (officially called "Be a Queen" campaign) has reached her school. The infiltration of the school system by these people (whoever they are - Salalah Men's Sports Club is one of the sponsors) telling young girls that following a certain dress code is the only way to God is DISTURBING. Surely parents/families are responsible for their own child's religious education and spiritual upbringing. The campaign has been endorsed by the Ministry of Education since it's being publicly discussed on their forum.

Their intentions are probably very good and they think they're paving their own way to heaven by promoting their campaign. However, instead of telling young girls to live in fear of hell and punishment and telling them they're 'wanted' by all men therefore they must cover up, and telling them dressing in BLACK (which is in NO WAY Islamic and only appeared in Dhofar in the 70s from the Iranian revolution and influence from Saudi Wahhabism)... instead of telling our girls to hide, be demure and not interact with the other half of humanity, what happened to raising strong girls who KNOW what's right? Girls who believe in being a good person? Girls who aren't shy to be out in society doing good? Girls who are proud of their religion and identity? Proactive girls? Why must it always be a fear factor?

This form of control, brainwash, and this focus on shallow shallow shallow aspect of one's personal life in the name of religion has NO PLACE in my Islam. (By shallow I refer to all the petty discussions of whether dying one's hair is haram, and whether wearing colours are acceptable, and whether it's against God to pluck one's eyebrows or wear heels or go shopping for heaven's sake. In fact, I was told by a male cousin that I should cover my face when going to the mosque because someone 'saw me' getting out of my car and walking into the grand mosque in broad daylight and that as a Muslim woman I should be humble and demure!!!!!!!!). Why the obsession with women?

GRRRRR.

Omani Women's Day 2012

Ah.... Women's Day. Three men actually congratulated me today on the achievements of women in Oman. Another two reminded me gently that the role of women lies in the home. I'm having a difficult week filled with sleepless nights, so I wasn't in the mood for arguing. I should have, but I couldn't.

 

To honour Omani Women's Day, I'd like to remind all of you that despite my rants about women's rights and discrimination, the situation in Oman for women has improved SO MUCH in recent years.

 

Another reminder... my fight for women these past three and a half years through this blog hasn't been against the government (there are very few laws discriminating against women in Oman). My fight is against how society perceives women. The culture here doesn't support female empowerment, especially in the south (Dhofar) where I live. My goal is to empower women (in my real life) to start believing they CAN be who they want to be.

 

If you're an Omani woman (or any woman!) and you're reading this, make this your Mantra:

 

1. I CAN be who I want to be.

2. I can drive if I  want to.

3. I can work if I want to.

4. I can choose the career that I WANT (be it an astronaut or a baker)

5. I can own a business.

6. I can travel without a chaperone because I HAVE THE RIGHT to see the world (right, D385?)

7. I can love who I want and marry who I want.

8. I can live a meaningful life.

9. I can step out of my front door and walk around my neighborhood if I want to.

10. I can sing and laugh and run and enjoy life.

11. I have the right to move and be healthy and practice sports.

12. I have an awesome leader (His Majesty Sultan Qaboos bin Said) who BELIEVES in me and all the other women in this country.

13. I can be a Minister, a Lawyer, a teacher, a housewife, a chef ... I can be who I want to be.

14. I can own my own home and control my own funds because I earned them.

15. No one can stop me from achieving my dreams.

16. No one can stop me from achieving my goals.

17. I am beautiful, I am smart, I am talented, and I BELIEVE in myself.

 

Yes, you do. You are beautiful. Every single one of you.

 

Happy Women's day from Gucci, who is curled up in bed with her pink grill shades and a mug of Salalah  tea raised in your honour.

Tuesday Clippings 22/11/11

(Darbat Waterfalls in Dhofar during a good monsoon)

Good Morning! It looks like Tuesday may end up being 'clippings day' for the moment.

1. Abalone season ended two days ago. Production this year stood at 135,000 tons. Yup, that's a lot of abalone. Someone sent me an email asking me to point out that many of the abalone divers in Dhofar are women. Yes, it may sound strange coming from a conservative society like ours, but our women are excellent divers. (and now that the season is over, not only are they excellent divers but very rich divers as well! Most of the abalone is exported to East Asia (usually China & Japan), and is usually sold at around 80 Rials per kilo, but it can go up to 100 Rial or more depending on the type).

2. If you're planning on visiting Salalah for the upcoming very long weekend (Thursday 24th - Monday 28th), the weather is pleasant but dry. No cyclones or winds or dust storms. But you'd better book your tickets/hotels now because there are tons of European tourists here at the moment.

3. In addition to making it to Lonely Planet's top 10 places to visit in 2012, National Geographic has named Oman among the top 20 destinations in 2012. Wow. Read the full list here. This makes me very happy.

4. There was an event two nights ago in Salalah honoring "100 Women from Dhofar" for their achievements. The Minister of State cum. Governer of Dhofar was the guest of honor according to this crappy article from Oman Observer, (who writes these articles? A computer? Or do they use Google Translate?). Who were the 100 women? Details, anyone?

5. Camel Burgers: never thought I'd see the day, but apparently there's a restaurant in Salalah that has become rather famous for its camel hamburgers. Camel actually tastes good but I can't quite imagine what a burger would taste like. The directions someone gave me earlier were actually wrong. So, if you have any idea where this restaurant is, let me know please and we'll spread the love :)

6. Speaking of restaurants, apparently Salalah has welcomed its very first Thai restaurant as well. It's a tiny restaurant called the 'Siam Kitchen' and it's located in Dahariz (I was told on the beach, but I'm not sure). It's run by the Thai wife of an instructor at one of the local colleges, and rumor has it that she's bringing her aunt over from Thailand to cook. Thai food cooked by Thai people? YES PLEASE! (if you have directions, let me know and I'll post them here).

7. I've posted this before, but I'm reposting again because I think it's hilarious. "15 Signs You Might Have Been in Oman Too Long".

Tuesday Clippings

(photo taken in Taqah Castle)

Good Morning Everyone! Only one more day until we hit a much-needed weekend. Going back to work after Eid Al Adha holidays was ... blah. Here are some bits and pieces from this week:

1. I did not write a Eid Al Adha post because this Eid was truly uneventful. Men went to prayers, animals were slaughtered, meat was distributed, several family visits took place, and the pilgrims came back from Mecca. That's about it. I think because Eid Al Fitr was only eight weeks ago, the atmosphere wasn't too exciting. The Eid that follows Ramadhan is big because we really feel we earned it ... and unlike other parts of Oman, Dhofaris don't have specific Eid Al Adha traditions like Shuwa although sometimes I wish we did :)

2. MORE HOLIDAYS! Since National Day is November 18th and the Islamic New Year is on November 26th, rumor has it that both holidays will be merged into one long weekend at the end of November. Makes sense since His Majesty can postpone National Day holidays, but he can't change an Islamic holiday. So, Dhofari Gucci is predicting a holiday from the 23rd to the 27th. If that's the case, I might catch a plane to Muscat and do some much-needed therapy shopping.

3. I know I'm late and other bloggers such as Andy have blogged about it, but can I mention how stoked (happy) I am about Muscat being voted 2nd best city to visit in 2012 by Lonely Planet? Makes me so proud of Oman. I think the Royal Opera House just took tourism in Oman to a whole new level.

4. Speaking of tourism, I'm not a huge fan of medical tourism since I prefer to be treated at home, but apparently there's a huge market. (if you have at least 10 relatives who've been to Thailand for treatment and tourism raise your hand!) I blogged about this before, but it keeps popping up in the news everyday, so I'm just reminding you that Salalah is going to host a HUGE medical complex worth ONE BILLION dollars (Saudi investors). The project - covering 800,000 sq m- will include a 530 bed hospital as well as a regional organ trasnplant and rehabilitation centre. The thought of having an organ transplant centre here in Salalah totally creeps me out, but that's just me. I'm just wondering what kind of people this project will attract .... (to read more, here's an article from Arabian Business) .... any idea where the project is being built?

5. Yesterday, three French aid workers were freed from Yemen after being 'lost' for several months. The official Oman News Agency kept sending messages out saying they were 'lost' in Yemen (in Arabic مفقودين) ... so I googled it and as it turns out, they were held hostage by Al Qaeda militants. Why couldn't ONA just say that? And is the Sultan going to continue rescuring hostage westerners on a regular basis? I wonder how much these three cost. The three American hikers whom he freed recently from Iran cost us $1.5 million. So, yeah, Sarkozy called last night to thank him. Dear Western hikers/aidworkers/volunteers ... please stay away from dangerous Middle Eastern countries.

6. This article on empowering women in Oman was published yesterday. If you have the patience for Oman Observer lingo, read it. (lingo? Example: "the realisation of the proposals have started to gain momentum as a result of holistic approach of addressing the concept"..... who writes stuff like that?!)

7. Our papaya woes may soon be over here in Salalah! As you know, Salalah is famous for papayas and bananas, but unfortunately about a year ago, over 400 papaya farms were attacked by the evil mealybugs who ruined our papaya crops. For a year, it's been hard to find papaya and when you do buy some, it's usually very expensive and not very good. I haven't eaten papaya for a whole year, and I live next door to several papaya farms. Apparently, international scientists have been brought in to look for a solution and they will be distributing 100,000 new papaya seedlings to farmers in Salalah in the coming weeks. Folks, we may have our farms back a year or so from now! Read more here.

8. Only five more days to go before abalone fishing season is over! As you may already know, Dhofar is famous for abalone. After a 3 year ban (to renew reserves), this year over 5600 divers (Yes, all in Dhofar) fished for abalone. The cyclone warnings and angry sea slowed the divers down last week, but they're back in full force. Read more here.

9. Lulu Salalah is out of Onken. Sad day for me.

10. There's an Arabic calligraphy exhibition taking place this week at the Oman Society for Fine Arts (next to KFC on the highway). The exhibition is on till November 25th. Check it out if it tickles your fancy.

11. Last but not least, the sweetest piece of news.... Trygve Harris makes me happier everyday. After her success with selling frankincense ice cream in Al Haffa Souq in Salalah during the monsoon festival, she's starting up a business in Oman and will be producing frankincense ice cream (and candy) on a large scale by February. This is so damn exciting!!!!!!!!! My frankincense creativity has been limited to a drop of frankincense water in my tea, but ice cream? Oh yeah! Can't WAIT to try it. I'll let you know when I hear more. Read the Times of Oman article here.

Omani Women's Day

Mornin' Everyone! His Majesty Sultan Qaboos declared October 17th 'Omani Women's Day'. Today and everyday I'm proud (naturally) to be an Omani woman living in this country. I complain a lot (I know I know), but to be honest I live a much better life here than I ever did abroad. Legally, Oman rocks for women. We can work, drive, vote, and pretty much do (and wear) what we want. There are no laws controlling how women live their lives. Last week the first sailing program for Omani women was launched.. we have female ministers, doctors, professors, entreprenuers, and ONE female in Majlis Al Shura (our version of parliament). 43% of private sector jobs apparently are held by women (according to today's Muscat Daily). All in all, Oman is a great place for women.

My rants have always been about how 'society' controls women, not the government. Our government gives women every chance to excel if they want to, ....... and if their fathers, brothers and husbands want them to.

If you live in Muscat and you're a female in yours 20s-30s, that means you probably work, drive, meet your friends for coffee, and make your own decisions most of the time. If you live outside of Muscat, the situation is different. When people read about Oman, they are more likely to read about women in Muscat. Their achievements, their privileges, their opportunities, and the awesome lives that they live. Women's sailing clubs? Why not! Afternoons with your friends banana-riding it at Sawadi resort? Bring it on! Female bikers? Sure! Gyms? Shopping? Businesses? Hobbies? Sports? Swimming pools? Everyone loves Muscat!

I can't speak for the rest of Oman, but in Salalah life sucks half the time for women. I'd like to think that everything is just fine, but I have to be honest. Men still control most of the women here. Women are chaperoned, controlled, and told what do do most of the time. Sure, tons of girls go to college or university but the moment they graduate, men control where they apply for jobs, and whether they can work or not. You work hard at college, get your degree, then your 'man' tells you that you are only allowed to work in a school or any place where your colleagues will be women.

He can tell you to 'cover your face' when you're with him in the car because some passerby might see you. He can tell you to not sit in the garden because the neighbor's twelve year old son is on the roof. He can forbid you from visiting your friend (who lives up the street) because she's not related to you and it's therefore inappropriate. He can tell you to hide in your bedroom becuase the plumber is coming in to fix your toilet and he shouldn't 'see' you. He can force you to tint your car windows so people don't see you when you're driving. He can pop into your office at any time to 'check up on you' and make sure you're behaving. He can demand a portion of your salary every month because your'e a 'woman' and you don't need it whereas he does. It can be your father, husband, distant cousin or even your 16-year-0ld brother. As long as he's a man, he can control you.

I hate to sound pessimistic but I can't lie. This is the case with a large percentage of females in Salalah. Things are changing rapidly but it'll be years before your average Dhofari young woman can apply for her dream job without consulting her family, or sit in the public section of a cafe or restaurant with her friends, or even throw off her face veil without causing World War III in her tribe.

As many of you know, I spent five years abroad. FIVE WHOLE YEARS on my own. Cooking for myself, living by myself (almost), and taking care of myself. I ran the MSA (Muslim Students' Association) by myself and traveled halfway across the world twice a year on my own and believe it or not, I lived without the abaya (please distinguish between abaya and hijab. I would never ever take off my hijab) for five years. Scandalous. (no one cared though, as long as I kept it all to myself and far away from Oman)

When I came back for good, I felt like an outcast. I made my extended family nervous. My aunts and uncles were nervous about letting their daughters hang out with me because I may lead them down the path of sin (for real?). I quit going to family weddings because people stared at me and whispered. It's not that I look different, but people just looked at me and assumed that I was a wild thing. Until this very day, three years later, my female cousins have never been in the car with me. Too scandalous for their families. Going out with me may - heaven forbid - encourage people to talk about them. Remember, 'people' control how you live your life here, so you have to follow their rules.

When I bought my adorable car, about 1633 distant male cousins openly objected. My father humored them when all I wanted to do was tell them to sh*ve it! For years he's been telling me to just relax and humor the so-called 'people' who feel it's their duty to tell you how to live your life. I've become accustomed to humoring them most of the time, but every now and then I lose my patience.

For the past two years, people have been approaching my family regularly about my 'situation' (i.e. unmarried and way too independent for their taste). According to them, I'll be a spinster forever unless I get married now. Also, according to them, no one wants an independent female so it's better to accept any man who comes along and thank my lucky stars that someone agreed to marry such a wild thing.

People still see me driving in the street and feel the need to report to any man in my family that I was 'seen' in 'public'. If I'm at a restaurant (hidden in the family section with my sisters), I text my brother and bet 5 rials that someone is going to see my car and call him and tell him I'm at the restaurant. He thinks it's hilarious.

After endless discussions about this with my independent female peers, we've come to the following conclusion: "In Salalah, if you're a female, you can work and drive and go out and live your life .... as long as you're not 'seen' by anyone". Basically, try to remain invisible. My friends have come to accept this as an unwritten rule, but my question is ... WHY accept? Why conform? What's so wrong about being out there? WHY can't I give the plumber instructions instead? WHY must I cover my face when we're driving through a crowded place? Why can't I join a committee at the handicapped children's centre? WHY can't I talk about Female genital mutilation with anyone? (why the hell is it still practiced in the first place?) Why does it make my male cousins uncomfortable to think of me working with men? Why does it upset you so much that I drive? Why must I tolerate you marrying a second wife? Who gave you the right to inform me that 'it's time' to get married? Who gave you the right to demand my salary because I'm a woman and I don't need it? Why the hell is it taboo now to fly to Muscat on my own when I spent five years flying across the planet alone? Why?

I struggle on a regular basis because I'm a woman in Salalah. Along with my peers and friends, we've agreed to slowly work together to push the boundaries. People tell us to just go along with the society, because it'll never change. I refuse to believe that. We will continue pushing boundaries until we can pave the road bit by bit for Dhofari women to live the life they choose. Along with fellow female Dhofari bloggers Susan & Mimi, I will fight against discrimination and I will win. I believe that. I am able to see how women have progressed in Muscat and I am able to envision how I can help to bring about change in Dhofar and I can help to empower women.
On the occasion of Omani Women's Day, I will renew my determination to make change happen. If you're a woman, belive that you can do anything. Throw a pebble in the water and watch the ripples. Even the smallest person can make a change. I have faith in Oman and I have faith in Omani women. We can do SO MUCH if we just set our minds to it. Anything is possible. Do not give in to society's demands. You are beautiful, you are smart and with a little empowerment you can do anything. Believe in that.

Regards,

Nadia (your self-proclaimed feminist)

Working Women Rock!

So.....my dear readers (haters, fans and silent observers alike) As many of you know, I am passionate (sometimes too passionate) about women's issues and women's rights in Dhofar, Oman, and the Middle East. Recently, while googling women and Shura (rumor has it Dhoari Gucci is running for Al Shura in October ... beware!), I came across this cool website which appears tobe the first online community for Arab working women. It's called Femeo and is associated with Bayt.com, the Middle East's largest job site.
The MENA region, unfortunately, has the worst track record in the world for women in the workplace, which obviously reflects on society in general. In Arabic we say
نصف المجتمع معطل
Here is a World Bank report about the topic: Femeo is as community aiming to help and empower working women in the Middle East. They offer daily tips and advice, a networking section, and Career Assessments. It is available in both Arabic and English and reigstration is free (Woohoo!). You can also read daily articles, tips, and advice on career development, work-life, balance, etc (Um Azzan! :) ... their quizzes are also worth trying out. But... the best thing is that you can interact with the online community of women to share thoughts and ideas. To me, networking = empowerment. Especially for women. If you're a woman, check it out. If you're a guy, forward it to your working women. Don't worry, we don't plan on taking over the world (yet). Oh, and they are accepting contributions from working women who would like to inspire others by sharing their experiences and ideas. If any of you are interested, you can visit this link.

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PS (I'm drafting a post on what is called white-prostitution in Salalah. I had the strangest experience on Thursday. Watch this space)

Oman's female entrepreneurs mean business?

I received this link in my inbox from Google alerts this morning. It's a CNN interview with a Dhofari female entrepreneur, the one and only Mariam Belhaf. As a woman, I know exactly who she is because I'm a fan of her frankincense and bukhoor mixes. She makes a mean oud mix. No idea how CNN got hold of her, though.

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Anyway, just thought I'd highlight one issue here for you. Despite the fact that women in 'Oman' seem to be free, independent, active, strong, leaders, ambassadors, ministers, etc .. keep in mind that most of this progress is IN THE MUSCAT AREA.

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Do not forget that a thousand kilometres South (and in other parts of the interior) women are still (many of them, not all) forced to wear the burqa (face veil), stay at home, hide from the world. Simply because they're women. Although the number of working/driving females is increasing everyday in Salalah, this change has only happened in the past couple of years or so. Society is still heavily male-dominated and yes there is discrimination! Many of us young women are fighting for our rights on a daily basis. AND IT'S NOT EASY. If you live in Muscat, then you have no idea what we go through in other parts of Oman. Re-read my longest post in the world about discrimination against women here if you've got all the time in the world :)

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That's all for now!

Empowering Women.... Government Style ..

Hey everyone! Again I apologize for not writing a regular basis. April/May/June are always busy, and I think that's the case for many other bloggers too. The blogging scene hasn't been very alive lately.

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It's Wednesday and instead of taking my 20 minute lunch break, I'll brief you on an interesting meeting that happened in Dhofar a few weeks back. It's no secret that Dhofar may seem a little neglected sometimes. It's not our fault that we're at the other end of the country and there's a huge empty space between the North and South. All media publications focus on activities and events in the capital, so yes we may seem a little left out sometimes.

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Anyway, many of you are aware that Oman's first women's symposium was held in Muscat last October (?) and His Majesty donated generous scholarships, etc to many women and declared Ocotber 17 to be Omani Women's Day. It was all very nice and dandy; however, again very few women from Dhofar were involved in the symposium and events of last October. Very very few. And so, after a few complaints and following instructions from you-know-who, the Minister of Social Development decided to have a discreet meeting with the women of Dhofar. I received an interesting call in November asking if I'd be part of the meeting. I accepted out of curiosity (always looking for something to blog about!). The meeting was postponed a couple of time, and finally it happened in March.

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It was all very odd. Names of attendees were selected very carefully, with documents going back and forth between Salalah and Muscat with names. Many names were eliminated (wonder why?). I was told not to say anything about it to anyone (Me? hah! Now that it's over, I don't think I can get into much trouble).

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The meeting happened at night. A mix of women attended from the women's associations, doctors, professors, managers, schools principals, and other women with power in the private and public sector. All women. I recognized many of them. It was kind of weird to see them all in the same room. There was no media coverage and particpants in this 'meeting' weren't allowed in without their cards. I just happened to forget my card in the car, so I begged the person at the door to let me in. They finally agreed.

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Anyway, Her Excellency arrived and the meeting started. She discussed different topics (none really of interest to me except for ....... ). She emphasized the importance of being active in Women's Associations (bah). She reminded us that most women in these associations are uneducated and do not work. She encouraged the working educated women to join and bring new talent and ideas. She mentioned that these associations would play an important role in the upcoming Shura Council elections (bah again). I took notes during the meeting but my notebook isn't with me right now, and my memory is malfunctioning today.

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Several women at the meeting brought up topics that they felt passionate about. I thought it was funny that two of the women refused to take the face veil off. Her Excellency looked at the gathering of women and said 'I'm not starting unless I see all faces', and they just looked blankly at her as if she hadn't said anything. She repeated it again and they just sat there being stubborn. Finally she gave up and started the meeting. Personally, I thought it was a little disrespectful. The women should have taken the veil off in the first place. There was no media coverage so no one was taking their pictures. And it was ALL WOMEN!

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An interesting point she brought up was the cases of Omani women marrying foreigners. She said (correct me if I'm wrong) that the Ministry of Social Development was working closely with the Ministry of Interior to make things E.A.S.I.E.R for Omani women who want to marry expats. The future is looking bright. If what she said was true, then Oman is on the right path to becoming a peaceful yet modern country. I think there is absolutley nothing wrong with marrying a non-Omani. In fact, in some cases like my friend Reality, it's actually more 'right' than her marrying an Omani.

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And so the meeting ended. I left before the Minister did, but as I was leaving I saw some women having private conversations with her. I have mixed feelings about the whole thing, but it was nice to see all my Dhofari sisters in one place together. However, I believe change comes from within. I hate how Omanis seem to think the Government is going to solve all their problems. It's not. We have to empower ourselves. We have to creat change, not wait for it to happen. But .....All is well in Oman... for now.

Discrimination Against Women in Dhofar & Oman

Discrimination is a sociological term referring to the treatment taken toward or against a person of a certain group in consideration based solely on class or category. Discrimination is the actual behavior towards another group. It involves excluding or restricting members of one group from opportunities that are available to other groups ~ Wikipedia.
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The United Nations had concluded that women often experience a "glass ceiling" and that there are no societies in which women enjoy the same opportunities as men. The term "glass ceiling" is used to describe a perceived barrier to advancement in employment based on discrimination, especially sex discrimination ~ UN
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With regard to the rights of women here (in Oman), the Amnesty International 2007 Human Rights report said that although the Sultanate ratified an agreement on combating all types of discrimination against women in February 2006 and declared the formation of a committee to ensure the implementation of the provision of the agreement women continued to suffer discrimination whether in respect of the law or its implementation especially when it came to personal rights, employment, and participation in public life ~ Times of Oman
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This is Longest Post in the World – Forgive Me.
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Disclaimer: Compared to other countries in the Middle East, Oman definitely treats women with more respect. We have a lot to be thankful for. We have many female leaders and there is gender equality for sure. However, the biggest mistake is to generalize. Most of this freedom, equality, rights, etc, is in the capital area and that's no secret. Muscat is another planet. Let us not forget the hundreds of thousands of women in the villages and small towns around Oman. We matter. Women deserve dignity & Respect.
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Dear Readers,
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After reading Rania's post here and after a small incident this morning, my blood pressure is on the rise and I am royally peeved. I've been putting off writing about racism/discrimination against women for a long time, but today since I'm on the verge of tears and very annoyed, I have to let it all out.
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To the haters (men) out there who are already formulating rude answers, save your breath because they won't be published. I love Salalah and I love the people, and yes I'm a human so I have the right to complain sometimes. Words of support or interesting ideas/debates are most welcome.
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Hundreds of thoughts are spinning through my head right now and I don't even know where to start. Can I just spew forth my thoughts and you try to make sense out of them? Thank you very much. I'll put my ideas into points so it's easier for readers to refer back to a certain idea, etc when commenting.
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1. In Oman women definitely have legal rights. No doubt about that. We can work, drive, vote, ask for a divorce, etc. Take a moment out to think about women in Saudi Arabia. They cannot drive (not even expat women), they must wear the abaya everywhere (it's illegal not to), they can only work in certain places, schools and colleges are gender-segregated, women cannot go out alone, they practically have to carry their marriage certificate around wherever they to be ready for the Moral Police (or whatever they're called …). Saudi society is sick. Thank you Sultan Qaboos for being the open minded man that you are. We are so blessed to have such an enlightened leader.

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2. Government-wise, I think our country is doing pretty good. My rants today are not against the government. They are against men and society. People. No matter how 'free' a woman is in Oman legally, there are always men in her life controlling her. There are men in my life controlling me (yes even me after spending 5 years abroad on my own, I came back to a society where men immediately assumed the duties of controlling me and making decisions about my life), but today I'll be complaining on behalf of all the beautiful intelligent women around me. My friends, sisters, cousins, colleagues, aunts, etc. Today I'll be talking about Salalah mostly because I cannot speak for the rest of Oman. Do you want to know how many men I know who've spoken these exact words to the women in their life 'We've allowed you to work and drive. What more do you want?'. So many times I've wanted to shout at them 'WE WANT MORE'. Who the hell gave you the right to 'allow' or 'not allow'. Who gave you the right to control someone else's life?

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3. As a human, I feel that my most basic need is to be in control of my own life. As a human, I feel it is my right. As a Muslim I feel it is my right. As an Omani I feel it is my right. As a woman I feel it is my right. I have one life and it is mine. Mine.

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4. Allah/God created men and women to live in this world together, to build families and populate the earth and support one another and do good. God did not say 'It's a man's world. Hide the women. I created them by mistake'. Islam is a beautiful religion and women's rights in Islam are clear. Women in the time of the Prophet Mohammed PBUH were strong and free. They fought in battle, they were businesswomen (Al Sayyida Khadija RAA the Prophet's first wife was a very successful businesswoman and he looked up to her!). Women prayed with men and they certainly were not hidden in rooms under layers of black. So many incidents from his time included women. Read the Sunna. I feel women were respected back then a lot more than they are now. I need more time to study the Quran and books on Islam to fully understand the role of women. I feel men/religious leaders in our time have screwed up ideas about women.

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5. From a reader: "Nadia, don't you think women in Salalah were more independent and strong in the past, when men tended to think of women as humans, not bodies that may sexually arouse them and consequently have to be covered/chained at home? Racism against women should be taken into consideration too". Before the 1970s, women in Dhofar were poor yes but they were free. They worked hard with the men (side by side) farming, taking care of the animals, etc. Many women I know in the mountains used to leave their huts alone at sunrise and take the animals to look for food all day. Alone. Many women I know fought in the Dhofar War. They carried around machine guns, drove pickup trucks, and were heavy smokers (No, I don’t admire them for that). Women back then wore colors or the dyed purple indigo clothes. They did not wear black. They did not wear the face veil. Women rocked.

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6. During the period from 1970-2010, life in Dhofar was transformed. The Sultan took power, people in Dhofar were given land and cars and jobs by His Majesty, Oman was opened up to the rest of the world, the Abaya was introduced to women in Oman (via Iran I think) and everything started changing. Once families moved into the town after the war, women didn't have to work as hard anymore, so they began to spend most of their day at home. Slowly women began wearing black from head to toe, the face veil became popular, gender segregation became the norm, and Salalah slowly turned into a male-dominated society. Yes, this all happened over the past 40 years.

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7. Women in Salalah still do not understand enough about Islam or about their rights as Muslim women. They are not educated (most of them aren't) so it's hard for them to find information on Islam online or in books (you can't even find books here). Do you think most men bothered to enlighten them? Of course not. They like being in control. Do you know that some of my relatives believe it's Fardh (a must) in Islam to wear the face veil? How could they think that? It's Sunna and a woman should be able to decide on her own whether she wants to wear it or not. No man should ever force his wife/sisters/mother to wear it.

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8. Most women in Salalah wear the face veil. Most of them do not wear it because they are God-fearing Muslims. They wear it because their husbands/brothers/fathers forced them to. It's is purely cultural. Tradition. It's the fear of being 'recognized'. The fear of having an 'identity'. God forbid we should ever be proud of our own identity!!!!!!!

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9. Most Dhofari men will tell you 'My wife is at home. She has her house and her children and she visits her family every week. I provide for her and I take her shopping when she wants. She is respected in her home. There is no reason for her to go beyond those four walls. A woman's life is in the home'. It's all nice and dandy if the women AGREES. She should have a choice. Otherwise she is a prisoner and she is trapped.

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10. Story (1): one of my close friends in high school had big plans for life. She wanted to be an artist. She was popular in our high school and very pretty. She wanted to travel, work, drive, be a mother and see the world. Most of all, she wanted to paint. After high school she started talking about applying at local colleges. Her brother refused and she rebelled. He got worried so he decided to marry her off immediately before she caused any more trouble. Her husband-to-be told her he didn't mind her continuing her higher studies so she had a little hope left in her broken heart. Within three months she was married. One month after the wedding she discovered she was pregnant. She lived in a room and shared the house with her in-laws. Her mother in law didn't approve of the painting, so to keep her happy, the husband banned all paints from entering the house (LOSER). Unhappy, pregnant, and trapped, I watched my friend become more and more depressed. She now has three kids (all under the age of 4) and her husband won't even let her out of the house to visit friends (me included). If I want to see her, I have to go to the in-laws house or catch her at her parents' house when she's there visiting. Her husband brainwashed her into thinking her life is complete between the four walls of their bedroom. He on the other hand, travels every year with his friends to Thailand or India or wherever. He works, hangs out with friends everyday, comes home late, hardly pays any attention to her. What is she supposed to do? Leave him? With three small kids? Of course not. He does not abuse her. He does whatever she wants provided it doesn't go beyond the four walls of the house. It hurts me to think about how depressed she can be sometimes knowing her whole life will be like this. Trapped. No freedom. No opinion. Controlled by a man.

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Need I mention he has forbidden the use of birth control? She is tired of having kids. Many men in Salalah forbid birth control. I guess this is why families are so large. A man I know forced his wife to get pregnant every year because she kept on having girls and he wanted a boy. What an animal. She ended up having six girls (they're 3,4,5,7,8,10) ... YES one after the other until she finally had a boy last year.

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11. Story (2): another friend of mine went to Australia to do her Masters. She lived on her own for two years. Her brothers (father passed away) never bothered to check up on her or ask about her (as long as she was out of the country and away from people's gossip, they didn't care). The minute she returned they realized how independent she'd become (no kidding) and they decided she must get married. Of course she refused. So her brothers said 'Fine then, you're not allowed to work'. Once her uncles interfered the brothers agreed to let her work because she had to pay off her student loans. She started work and they became greedy. She was making around 1200/- Rials. She wanted to save for her Ph.D and she was also paying bills for the house. Her brothers went out of their way, got wasta and contacted her employer to find out how much she was making because she wouldn't tell them what her salary was. Would you believe what they said? "Dear M, you are a girl, you don't need that salary. Every month you will keep 350 Rials for yourself to cover your own expenses and your sisters' and the rest you will give to us. We are men and we need the money more than you'. WTF? She called me in tears. A while later they got bored of driving her to work so they 'allowed' her to take driving lessons and then informed her coldly that they would be selecting the car she should buy with her own money. She would drive to work in the morning and the minute she got home she would hand the keys over to her brothers. At the moment she's still fighting. Who can she turn to? What kind of brothers behave like that?

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12. Story (3): one of my friends' aunts decided to volunteer at one of the centers for special abilities & needs here in Dhofar. She was very excited and spent two or three hours a day during the morning working with the center. This went on for two or three months. Her husband never asked her about her voluntary work. He didn't care. One day she was helping to put up an exhibition at the center and Oman TV were there filming. The corner of her face was visible for about 4 seconds on TV. One of her husband's friends saw this and called the husband 'Hey, your wife's on TV!'. And that was it. Husband came home in a rage and decided his wife would stop volunteering with the handicapped kids and she wasn't allowed out of the house on her own because she would misbehave. Please note this woman is almost 40 with 4 kids in school. He was so ashamed and upset that someone had 'seen' her and 'recognized' her on TV.

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13. Story (4): many women I know desperately want to lose weight and join an all-female gym or go walking in the evenings. Most families (especially the prissy higher tribes) refuse. The men in the families tell them to exercise at home. They believe a woman who goes to a gym and sheds the abaya is a near-prostitute. What will other women say if they recognize her? Oh shame shame. Again, fear of being recognized and known.

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14. Story (5): my own father told me once when I'd just come back from abroad 'You're independent and strong. I cannot control you. Do what you want but I don't want people to recognize you and I don't want to hear about it'. I remember once I took my mother out to dinner and parked my car in front of the famous Chinese Cascade restaurant at the centre of town. We went in to the restaurant and had a lovely dinner in one of the private family rooms. We were at home by 9. Around 8:30 a close cousin drove by the restaurant and saw my car and immediately called my father the next morning 'You let your daughter go to restaurants at night??! Who will ever marry her? You have a reputation!'. My father in turn called me screaming 'Your car was seen! No more restaurants. No public places where people recognize you'. Well, sorry dad but I didn't know eating Chinese food with my mother in a private family room was a sin. Women need more places to get together in Salalah. At the moment, there are almost NO public places where it's perfectly acceptable for women to meet. There will always be someone who disapproves. Look at Browniz Coffee House in Salalah. The whole 2nd floor is dedicated to women. There is a sofa, open area and also private rooms. Many men hang out in the men's part downstairs and if they see women sneaking up to the 2nd floor through the private side entrance they immediately assume the girl has a bad reputation. Well, sorry guys but YOU are the ones with issues, not us.

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15. Story (6): I will not elaborate because this post is getting too long. I, too, like Rania was told I couldn't go into the men's section of the Grand Mosque during visiting hours because I was a woman. Furthermore, many women's sections at local mosques are locked up most of the year and only open up during Ramadan. Why can't women pray at the mosque when they want? Not all women have kids. I went to the Grand Mosque for sunset prayers one day because I was out shopping and didn't want to miss the prayers, and I got SO MANY WEIRD LOOKS from men in the mosque parking lot. I felt like I was committing a crime. Like I didn't belong. Like I was heading to a shady nightclub or brothel. For heaven's sake I was just going to the mosque to pray. I was simply waiting for a call from my father telling me I'd been 'seen' and no more mosque-praying anymore. Why can't women pray in the mosque? When I was abroad I used to go to the mosque every Friday. Men and women prayed together in the same prayer hall and listened to the sermon together. It was a spiritual family affair. We felt united. Muslims from all over the world praying together. Sadly, I felt more in touch with my religion when I was in a non-Muslim country than I do in Oman. I used to attend lectures at the mosque every week. The Muslim Student Association was active. Friday prayers at the mosque were wonderful. I was proud to be Muslim. I was encouraged by members of the Muslim community to study about Islam. When I came back to Oman it all changed. Nobody wants to talk about it. Traditions and tribes are more important than Islam sometimes. I cannot go to the mosque freely. Praying became a private thing. I don't have anyone to discuss Islam with (besides Rania :-). We are all Muslim but Islam is so mingled in with local traditions that it's hard to distinguish what's right and what's wrong. In Salalah people are not proud of Islam. They are proud of their tribe and their connections.

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16. Story (7): A small point that annoyed me. Remember when Rania and I met for the first time? We went to the beach to talk. It was the public Haffa beach. Hundreds of people hang out there every night. Men at the restaurants and women towards the end of the beach in groups with kids. Would you believe the number of emails we received from men accusing us of 'misbehavior' because we were on a beach alone together? With hundreds of other people? Fully clad in black from head to toe? What kind of misbehaving do you mean? Do you mean to tell us we should have dragged our brothers/husband along and had them watch us to make sure we didn't throw off the abaya and walk around in pink bikinis or something? Who the hell do you think you are writing to me telling me I'm a bad person because I met a friend in a public place at night? Who gave you the courage to type those letters and press the send button? What kind of a person are you?

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17. Reputation is all in Salalah. Let me enlighten you. When a girl is seen exchanging study notes with a male colleague at university, her reputation is ruined forever. Or so our men think. According to Dhofari men, women are like white sheets of paper. One little spot of ink and it's ruined. Yes, men have said that to me MANY times. And of course I assume men are black pieces of paper so no matter how much ink you pour onto them, they'll remain pure? As far as Dhofari men are concerned, a woman who is 'recognized' has ruined her reputation. A woman who even smiles at another man has ruined her reputation. A woman who flirted with the boy next door during her teens has ruined her reputation. A woman who drives is ruining her reputation. A woman who works I ruining her reputation. A woman who has an identity has no reputation. Reputation. Reputation. F*** reputation. Why can't a woman have a reputation for being smart, educated, strong, moral, a good mother?? What's wrong with being known? Why can't a woman have a reputation for being a businesswoman? Or a Sheikha at a mosque? Or a good teacher? Why can't men be proud of their women??? When a man approaches another man telling him 'I saw your wife doing this and this. Mashallah she's so smart', why can't the man go to his wife and say 'I'm so proud of you. People are saying good things about you', instead of getting annoyed because someone knows who she is?

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Need I mention that my brother insists I hide in my bedroom when the plumber or electrician is coming to the house to fix something? Need I mention that I'm not allowed to go out to my car when he's outside waiting for a friend to pick him up because it would be too shameful for his friend to see me, even though my face is covered???
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18. Why are women hidden behind locked doors? Is it because they are 'Fitna' (temptation) and may arouse men? Are men such animals? Why is it that one manager at my company refuses to deal with me face to face and will not look at me because I'm a woman. Is he trying to get a message through that he's religious and I'm a slut so he can't work with me? All I wanted was for him to sign a paper and let me know if he had any extra thoughts on the X program we were working on together (through email. Email is fine). I haven't seen him for six months even though he works in the same building. We correspond everyday by email but I've decided to avoid him because his behavior is an insult to me.

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19. I have met religious leaders who cannot even look at a woman and who say 'Istaghfurallah' whenever a woman enters the room (yes there are many of them). What kind of Islam do they practice? What kind of Muslim leaders are they? Do they believe they are good people? They've isolated themselves from society because everything is a temptation. I know of some religious leaders who cannot even look at their own sisters or wife without the hijab on. It upsets them too much. What kind of Islam is that?
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20. On a more positive note, I have met one or two religious leaders who are cheerful educated worldly people. They treated me like a human and I was truly inspired. I attended a few lectures by Sheikh Khalfan Al Esry at the Grand Mosque in Muscat. He is one of those enlightened souls who encourages you to love life and religion. He is the only religious leader I've ever met with a huge sense of humor. He is educated, well travelled, and just an enlightened human being. So many women in Muscat go to him for answers because he's always ready to address people's concerns and questions. We need more of him in Oman and less of the other type.

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21. And about circumcision, why do men feel that women MUST be circumcised? According to some men I know, a common myth is that women are sluts by nature, so in order to curb their desire, they must be circumcised at birth otherwise they'll spend their whole life chasing after men. Are you surprised dear readers? Circumcision still exists in Salalah. Not as much as before, but every girl my age is circumcised. And guess what? They cannot experience pleasure with their husbands most of the time because intercourse hurts so much. Men are full of lust and women see it as a terrible chore. I personally see having intercouse with a circumcised woman in pain as legal rape.

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22. What about polygamy? Dhofar is huge on polygamy. 99.99% of men who take on a second wife do so without any valid Islamic reason. To non-Muslims reading this, not all men can marry a 2nd wife. They must have a valid reason and these reasons are clearly stated in the Quran and Sunna. First of all, the first wife must agree. In Salalah, men don't even bother to ask their wives. They just go ahead and get married and sometimes they don't even tell their wives until the wedding day. What kind of respect is that? What kind of a Muslim does that? The whole idea of polygamy is totally screwed up in Dhofar, I'm sorry to say.

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23. The Glass Ceiling: although there are no 'legal' rules in Oman stopping women from travelling or working or being promoted, or driving or eating in public places, the rules are unwritten, generated by a male-dominated society. As a well-travelled young woman in a modern world, I feel it's my right to work, drive, travel, study, go to the mosque, meet people, have friends, go shopping with my sisters, etc, but deep down inside I KNOW that anyday this could all be taken away from me .... by a man. Do you have any idea what that feels like? To know that anyday your father might suddenly decide you can't work anymore, or he doesn't want you driving anymore, or I'm not allowed to go shopping without a man, or ... maybe a future husband? I'm terrified of marriage because I have seen so many friends who were lied to by their husbands before the wedding. All these empty promises 'Yes my dear, you can live your life and do what you want'. And the moment they get married, the man takes everything away. Just like that. Snap. In one moment, your whole life crumbles in front of you and the man's only excuse is 'مزاج' or 'I do what I want' (i.e. a woman's place is at home).

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Every woman knows that everything that she has built for herself can be taken away from her in one simple moment by a husband or father or brother. Every semi-free woman I know is never 100% confident about her life because she knows she may lose it all one day if her husband has a temper tantrum. Every woman knows her life is not entirely hers. WOMEN SHOULD NOT HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THAT.

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However, dear readers, I know this is the longest post and you're all cross-eyed by now and many of you are ready to attack me for my views, but let me highlight the positive points too. Salalah is definitely changing. Over the past several years more women are working and driving, and I've even started to notice women in restaurants and cafes. Hell, I've even seen women grocery shopping on their own. Salalah is definitely changing. But that's still not enough.

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What we need is more men who don't feel the need to control women. We need more men who respect women and are willing to see their wives as 'partners in life', not someone lower than them. YES these men exist in Salalah and I am meeting more of them each day. I know some of them are reading this now and you know who you are. I want to say 'Thank you' to these brave men who are defying the unwritten rules in society. Thank you to all the men who have helped women build their own lives and get up on their own two feet. Thank you to all the men who treat us with respect at home, at work, in stores, in schools.

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Thank you to the men who are looking for friendship and respect in marriage, not just a woman who will cook for them and iron their clothes and raise the kids on her own. Thank you to all the men who are not ashamed to help their wives in the kitchen or change a baby's diaper or make their wives a cup of coffee. Thank you to all the men who are brave enough to tell their friends 'I'm busy tonight. I'm taking my wife out to dinner'. Thank you to the young and older men who have put on a new pair of glasses and who have been able to see women as beautiful and enlightened creatures who can do so much more in the world. Thank you to all the husbands who are able to refer to their wives as 'Mona' or 'Fatma' to their friend instead of a simple الأهل (the family) because they're too ashamed to say the name. And finally, thank you to all the male relatives who have seen me around town and who didn't feel the need to run and tell my father I'd been seen.

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Finally, the end. I am interested to hear what men think and whether - as men- you truly feel the need to control your women? What about female readers from Oman or the South? Do you feel the discrimination? What have you experienced and how are you breaking out of the shell?