The Dreaded Maghboor

Only Dhofaris would understand what this post is about just by reading the title. A slight warning, this post is a mini-rant, not an objective analysis of social customs.

 

In Dhofar, the word 'Maghboor' مغبور or 'Maghbair' مغبير is a term that every man has to live with... every month from the moment his friends start to get married till the day he dies.

 

As many of you know from my previous posts about the south of Oman, Dhofari weddings are quite an event. A typical scenario will involve a young man telling his mother he wants to get married. She will turn on her 'bride radar' and get to work (along with all the aunts and sisters) to find a suitable bride. She will start visiting relatives with eligible daughters. She will attend more and more weddings of distant relatives just to see how the unmarried girls look like in dresses. Naturally, unmarried girls spend ages preparing for weddings anyway in order to catch the attention of future mothers-in-law.

 

Once the bride has been chosen, the mother and aunts will make contact with the prospective bride's mother and aunts. The women will work it all out between themselves and then the men will finally be informed. The groom's father or uncle (or the groom himself) will call the prospective bride's father to ask for his daughter's hand in marriage. The father will graciously tell him that he has to ask his daughter. Both parties pretend the women haven't figured out all the logistics beforehand. Father asks daughter, she agrees, a dowry and wedding date is set, then the son goes back to his father to figure out expenses.

 

Now ... this brings us to the Maghboor part. Assuming the girl's father asked for a dowry of OMR 6000, and it will cost the son perhaps OMR 10,000 to set up his 'room' and fix some things in the house(decoration, fancy hideous furniture, perfume cupboard stocked with the world's most expensive bukhoor, etc, etc). Add on the actual wedding expenses which usually involve renting a hotel ballroom  for 400 women ... that's around OMR 4000. Then the men's wedding involves slaughtering a handful of innocent cows, drinks, halwa, coffee, tent, rice .... (meh... another OMR 6000).

 

Do the math. It's about 26,000-30,000 Omani Rials. That's what it costs to build a small house, buy three cars, or four bachelor degrees at Dhofar University. All so you can live in a little bedroom with a girl you don't really know.

 

So how do they fund this? Well, .... that's where the Maghboor comes in.

 

On the actual men's wedding day (often a few days before the women's wedding when the bride actually gets to see his dolled up wife for the first time), men from far and wide will come to the tent to congratulate the groom and pay the 'maghboor'. Several hundred (or thousand) men will come to the men's tent and after greeting the groom and his family will head to the table where a man (usually a relative) sits with a big blue notebook and a box. A guest will pay anything from OMR 10 to two or three hundred rials, and the book-keeper will put the man's name down and the amount next to his name. By the end of the day, the groom sometimes ends up with anything from OMR 5000 to 20,000 cash paid by all his relatives and friends. That ends up covering most of the wedding costs. Distant relatives will pay around 20 rials. Close relatives will pay 100 each usually.

 

Awesome system, right?

 

Maybe not.

 

Sometimes I think it's a great social investment... but then again, you keep that darned blue book in your home forever and ever. Whenever any of the people who paid towards your wedding get married (or their sons or cousins or whoever), you have to go to their weddings and pay the same amount they paid towards you or more. It's all fine and dandy until you end up having to attend weddings every single month. It ends up being like a life-long loan towards society.

 

A friend of mine had to go to SIX WEDDINGS last week. He spent 400 rials in one day paying towards weddings. He's only 28. Is it fair? Is it worth it?

 

Even stranger, some town tribes do the same with women. Women hand money over to the mothers of the groom at the women's wedding.

 

All this money being passed around each month. Everyone in debt. Everyone struggling to keep up with these traditions. But stop for a minute and think about our friend the groom who spent all that money but all he has left is a little bedroom with a set of furniture and hideous décor (and a wife on the side). No everyone gets enough Maghboor to cover a large chunk of the weddings expenses. Someone I know spent 35,000 rials on his marriage but only got OMR 8000 out of the men on the wedding day.

 

Is this system logical anymore? If I were a man spending 26,000 on a wedding, I'd invest it in something that will last (like a home..... or a honeymoon?). Oh, I forgot the honeymoon. If a groom decides to take his wife to the usual spots (Thailand or Malaysia) then that adds even more expenses.

 

All the girl has to do is receive her dowry, spend it on things she doesn't need to impress people she doesn't even know. Thobes, abayas, gold, perfueme , bukhoor, etc. She then has to spend months oiling and dolling herself up for her 'husband'. That's all she does.

 

Somewhere in there is a lot of unfairness and a lot of  illogical expectations. If everyone in Salalah were to secretly vote on this, I'm willing to bet they're all ready to ditch these traditions. Times are hard, life is more expensive, and its just not feasible anymore to keep up with these traditions. Men spend an average of anything from 100 to 1000 a month on weddings. Surely that money could go somewhere better? Savings perhaps?

 

The reason I'm ranting is because I was made to pay towards a wedding of some distant relative because it was 'duty'. I've never even met this relative and never even went to the wedding.

 

Your thoughts?

Thursday

Week from hell. So glad it's the weekend (it rained, though. YAY). To my reader, Spordiac Afterthoughts, if you're attending a Dhofari wedding, it is not common to take a wedding gift. Only close friends/family of the bride usually give gifts. In fact, our society really isn't big on gifts at all, so don't worry too much if you don't know the bride personally. If you do know her personally, the norm is perfume or a watch or a beautiful scarf (shaila), or jewellery.

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This week isn't a good week for bloggers around the world. If you haven't heard about the blog scandal from Damascus, let me enlighten you. There was a FAMOUS blog called 'Gay Girl in Damascus' which highlighted what it was like to be a lesbian woman in a highly conservative Muslim society (i.e. Syria). The blog caused uproar in the Middle East and there were tons of people in Syria trying to find the blogger. The blogger then started reporting on the protests and arrests in Syria and became a 'credible' source for news agencies abroad on what was going on in Syria. Finally, a post appeared on the blog from the 'cousin' of the blogger saying Amina Abdullah (the blogger) had been snatched/kidnapped/taken/arrested in Damascus. This post caused more uproar in Syria and abroad with over 150,000 people joining the facebook page to release her. Human Rights NGOs got involved, and it was all over the internet. The blogger then was forced to confess on his blog that no, he is not a lesbian Syrian, and no he is not in Damascus. His name is Tom McMaster and he's a US Citizen doing his Masters in Scotland. It has been ALL OVER THE NEWS and as far as I'm concerned, people are over-reacting to the whole thing. But at the same time, it sheds light on the credibility of bloggers. People now assume they can no longer trust bloggers. There has been discussion over the past few years on whether blogs can be credible sources of information. I have been quoted several times in newspapers and publications around the world as 'Dhofari Gucci'. What if I turned out to be an expat man in Indonesia? (see?). It's a mess and I'm not sure what to think, but dear readers out there, no I am not a man, and yes I am a girl in Salalah. Rest assured. Cheers!

Khareef Update

Sleep-deprived Nadia on a Wednesday morning isn't something you want to see. I have no idea how I managed to keep track of all four soccer matches yesterday, but I did. And no Rania, I don't hang out at Shisha cafes to watch the games. I gather my female relatives in front of a 52 inch plazma TV in our outdoor majlis with tawa bread, red tea, and Chips Oman.

(1) Coming to think of it, my daring friends have suggested that a group of us girls walk up to a Shisha cafe on the Haffa Corniche and just pull up chairs and see what happens. Will the world fall apart? Will someone call my father immediately? Will the police come? What WOULD happen? Oh the unwritten rules in this town... I'm sure any Dhofari male reading this now is cringing and probably drafting an email to me advising me to take care of my reputation.
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(2) I'm pleased to announce that Khareef (monsoon season) OFFICIALLY started on June 21st. Yes, it was announced in the local newspapers as usual. However, it did start raining before the official start-date. I don't know whether those clouds were related to a possible storm or just the khareef. Anyway, it rained for a couple of hours this morning and I SWEAR everyone's in a good mood. I don't know what it is, but this season makes everyone happy. Us Dhofaris associate khareef with holidays, weddings, celebration, festival, rain, cool weather, picnics, tourists, etc.
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(3) Has anyone noticed the post-midnight military trucks (guarded by army & ROP vehicles) heading to the (US/British/Omani) army bases in Thumrait? Hmmmm....

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(4) If you remember my trip to Dubai a few weeks ago, my relative's wedding is in a couple of weeks, and everyone in my immediate family and extended tribe is in panic mode. Weddings are such a hassle in Dhofar.

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(5) On a lighter note, I drove to the grounds of the Dhofar Khareef/Tourist festival this week or work-purposes (don't try guessing). What I witnessed was beyond amusing. Omani officials from every possible government agency screaming and ready to kill one another. Why is it that Omanis leave everything to the last minute? The festival starts in two weeks and NOTHING is ready (I'm exaggerating). They're STILL building an entire theatre and setting up basic electricity, phone lines, etc. WHY?

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(6) In the meantime, Salalah World (Dhofar's first EVERY shopping mall) seems to get bigger everyday. Those poor laborers must be working all night as well. It's just HUGE. And it's two storeys high? Or getting higher? We're finally going to have Costa and Starbucks in Salalah. OH YES. Rumor has it that our very own mall will host designer brands not available in Muscat. I find that hard to believe, but you never know. It's owned by a Kuwaiti firm, so all is possible.

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(7) Beware! According to ROP chief Malik Suleiman Al Mamari (our friendly face on Oman TV during all national crises), the ROP will now launch the secret police campaign (not really secret, is it?), where plain-clothes policemen in regular cars will be wandering the streets of Oman looking for offenders. So, make sure to wear your seatbelt, keep a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, AND don't answer calls while driving! Oh, and renew your insurance. Evidently according to the Cheif Malik, there are over 175,000 cars in Oman with expired insurance/ownership cards. Not good.

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(8) Finally, to keep you all entertained my fellow blogger Sleepless in Salalah and another couple of people I know have noticed a new trend at Dhofari weddings. Evidently the men's huge outdoor tents now sport laser light and a disco ball in the tent. Yes, you heard me, a DISCO BALL. What has the world come to?

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Cheers...... Nadia

Random Gucci Post

Good Morning and to all you Muscatees out there, greetings from 'rainy' Salalah! Yes it's raining! I'm starting to think all the Muscat bloggers have become puddles on the hot pavement since there seems to be no movement in the blogs I read regularly. Muscat Mutterings? Muscat Jet Driver? Other Oman? Dragon? Angry? Muscato?

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Regarding my 2-day visit to Dubai over the weekend all I can say is .... blah! As modern as it may seem, Dubai to me is a city with no personality. A city with no unique flavor of its own. A machine. A robot. It's fun to go for .... a day? And after that I'm citied out and sky-scraped out, and traffic-ed out, and most certainly shopped out. When I was living abroad, my college was in a very small town and I like the small-town feeling. No tall buildings, no skyscrapers and definintely NO metro or huge shopping malls.

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We accomplished a lot with the groom-to-be over those two days so that was successful. We bought all the furniture for his flat as well as gifts for the bride (and a few gifts for myself from the abaya mall! OH YES!). I didn't make it to Wild Wadi since it wasn't women's day on my only free afternoon). Ikea was a dream come true. I used to buy all my household things at Ikea when I lived abroad. I can't wait till they open one in Oman (and yes they will soon according to my sources). Fdayooh they were out of the peach shake at Macaroni Grill. So I didn't ed3eelak, more like إدعي عليك.

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I didn't make it to the observation deck at Burj Dubai/Khalifa. (a) we didn't have time and (b) the groom and myself are afraid of heights. Next time I'm in Dubai, I'll definitely schedule it around ladies night at Wild Wadi. DEFINITELY. And now that I've fallen in love with Ikea all over again, I want to get married immediately and have a home of my own. My passion in life is decorating homes and re-arranging furniture. I re-arrange the furniture in my office and room at least once every three or four months. I collect home design magazines and read them under the covers at night. This is why my dear relative asked me to come to Dubai. He knows it's my field of expertise and perhaps he's inspiring me to get married. Anyone looking for a wife?

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After my 72-hour escapade, I was GLAD to be home. God, Salalah is beautiful. Peaceful, quiet, ... REAL. With all the tourist projects going up all over the place, I hate to think what Salalah will be like in 20 or even 10 years. At the moment, it a safe little haven.

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Now that our groom is back with his furniture, the wedding is scheduled for July. In Dhofar this would be the right time to start panicking. My aunts almost fainted last weeks when I cheerfully informed them that my sisters and I still hadn't designed our velvet thobes (dresses) for the wedding nor had we booked a makeup artist to apply three tons of white paint to our faces on the wedding day. In our tribe, it's 'taboo' to wear the same thobes twice. Every wedding means a new one. Crappy traditions. A waste of time and effort and money in my opinion. If you're a new-ish reader, I suggest you read my post on Father of the Tail and Dish Detergent in order to understand the trials and tribulations of weddings in Salalah. Once you finish reading, get down on your knees and say a little prayer for Dhofari Gucci. I don't know how I'm going to survive yet another wedding. I've been to three already this year and they were beyond exhausting. My skin was raw for days due to the amount of time spent scrubbing it with dish detergent.

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Off I go to make myself a cup of tea. I'm still on leave (came back from Dubai yesterday) so I guess it's time to go and re-arrange my bedroom furniture. Have a great day everyone!

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Monsoon Post

I thought I'd be full of ideas and things to write about during the monsoon, but no such luck. I've been feeling quite blank lately (and busy), and figure I shouldn't waste my time on the computer. Salalah is as it always is during monsoon season; crowded, muddy, and in party-mode. Picnics and camping trips are in, everyone's out at their tents (see post below) during the afternoons and evenings, no one is in the mood for working or studying; but sadly we all have to make a living. It had stopped raining for three days, and I was beginning to get worried, but thank goodness this morning sure enough there was rain and I could use my windshield wipers again!

I visited the Salalah Festival last week and was quite impressed. It's definitely better (if only a little bit) than last year. I'm not a festival person and don't like crowded places, so it's a wonder I even went! I watched traditional dancing in the old village, drank fresh pomegranate juice in a traditional Omani style tent-turned-restaurant, visited friends working at the different booths and stalls, and last but not least I visited the photography exhibition! Finally something decent! 15 very talented Dhofari photographers (sadly all male) with 4-6 photographs each. I guess I was blown away by the photographs of faces. Some guys captured wrinkles and eyes so well. In the past, photography exhibitions usually were about scenery, scenery, and more landscapes, but this year I've noticed unique photography styles and subjects. I was intrigued by a photograph of a spider, and a lotus, and the doors were amazing too. Lots of wonderful black and white shots. I recognized several names of local photographers and am really proud of our talent here in Dhofar. I wish more women would participate.

I heard rumors that there were 35 weddings in Salalah on Thursday. No kidding. Didn't I tell you it was wedding season?

We have an odd tradition in Salalah of weddings payments. When a young man gets married, he pays for his house, the dowry, the cows, the wedding, etc, etc. It can sometimes be very very costly. However, we have a great social system where all the men who go to weddings will put a certain amount in a box at the wedding to support the groom. Usually it's 20 Rials for distant relatives and more if you're close to the guy. It all works out very well in the end. If a guy spends 20,000 OMR on his wedding, he may very well receive 14,000 OMR back on the wedding day just from tribal donations.

HOWEVER, what happens if a man has to attend five or six weddings every week during the monsoon? He's paying 100-200 Rials a week on weddings? A man has to pay because people are expected to pay if his sons get married. So, usually, monsoon is crisis time because of all the weddings. This doesn't even include paying for his wive(s) and daughters to get dressed/dolled up for the wedding (dress, gold, henna, makeup, hair, etc, etc - see post below 'Father of the Tail and Dish Detergent').

You see, life can be a blessing and a crisis. Why do all people decide to get married during the same two months?

Welcome to Salalah.

PS (This photo was taken near Zaik, in the mountains)

Pure Entertainment

Somehow, I find it very entertaining that a group of Shanfaris' (Shanfary tribe) decided to get married together, and the wedding was so huge it was held in the local football stadium!! Oh WELCOME To Salalah! They even had a banner up saying something like 'Glory to the Shanfaris' or something like that. Don't quote me. I'm so excited for the monsoon to start. Tired of the heat. I'm planning a trip to Mirbat next week? Anyone coming? :-)

Only in Salalah ....

Dear Readers,

I'm having a hard time absorbing what I just heard at work, so I'm going to share this piece of information with you and see what you think. The uncle of one of my colleagues (yes, the uncle) has announced that he's marrying a 19 year-old girl with a dowry of 55,000 Rials. You heard me correctly; FIFTY FIVE THOUSAND. In addition to two Toyota land cruisers for her family and a gift of 10,000 Rials for her father. Kindly note that the man we are discussing here is a 64 year-old geezer with two wives and a dozen children.

Do we really live in the year 2009? Will we continue to hold on to strange traditions forever and ever? What kind of life is the girl going to have? How does she see her future with a man old enough to be her grandfather?

Comments?

Father of the Tail and Dish Detergent

Good Morning Everyone! It’s Saturday, the day I usually dread merely because my alarm clock goes off at 6. By 7 o’clock, I’m past the sulking stage and ready to tackle the day ahead.

How was my weekend? Ahh….. The Wedding.

So, you see, weddings in Salalah drive me crazy. On Wednesday I told you that one of my cousins was getting married. Each female who ‘attends’ the wedding is called a ‘Hadra’ (attender). Hadra means you gotta paint yourself white (we’re talking electric white here) then buy heavy oil paints and a thick paintbrush and start plastering your eyelids with Picasso-style colors. You then cover your eyebrows in wax and paint a new set of eyebrows two inches above your real ones. You also manage to double the size of your lips somehow. To top it all off, a blonde wig will do. (by the way, I’m serious). Finally, you put on your heavy black velvet thobe bodhail (Father of the Tail Dress) with heavy embroidery and tons of glitter, and 2 pounds of heavy jewelry. You end up looking like an uglier version of Marilyn Manson (and you thought HE was ugly? Come to Salalah!).

Do I sound like I’m sulking? Well, I am. I had to wake up at 5 a.m on Thursday, head to the ‘salon’ by 6:30, so a nosy woman could interrogate me about my life for FIVE HOURS while she turned my sister and I into Marilyn Mansons. We then rushed back to the house (yes, I was driving with all the makeup on. Don’t ask me about the stares), and while my sister was getting dressed, I plunked myself down in front of CNN to watch Obama’s speech to the Muslim world. I wasn’t going to miss it. Not for a wedding, that’s for sure. So, I sat in front of the TV for 54 glorious minutes before the wig lady arrived! Yes, we have a ‘wig’ lady who comes to pin on the blonde wigs. No, I did not wear a wig, but my sister did because she doesn’t have the patience to spend two more hours at the hair salon creating perfect curls and ringlets. I’ll get back to the speech later. Finally, we’re both ready to go. Checklist:

- Ugly makeup (check)
- Wig (check)
- Velvet father of the tail (check)
- Blue contacts (check)
- 3 pounds of jewelry (check)
- Six inch heels (check)
- Car keys (check)

Ok, we’re set. Both of us hop into the car (my mother had been threatening to kill us if we were late). We stop by my uncle’s house to pick up two of my cousins. More Marilyn Mansons pile into my car. We get to the wedding (groom’s family’s house), and are immediately told to get up and start dancing Tabal (dig diggee dig diggee dig diggee …), so my sister and I did without cracking up. We sat down and another couple of girls got up to dance. This went on until 6 p.m when we were finally fed dry rice and dead cow (forgive me for phrasing it that way, but that’s how I feel about it). At midnight the bride was brought in to be stared at (after everyone was sick of staring at one another). They set her up on her marriage bed in her velvet thobe and makeup (worse than mine) and wig. Three hundred ladies went in to stare at her. She sat looking blankly at the wall without moving (tradition). Finally, everyone went home. End of wedding. The groom finally came in at 2 o’clock in the morning.

However, it wasn’t the end for us. The process of removing the makeup and hair and everything takes at least an hour and a half. The only way to remove Salalah makeup is dish detergent. Yes, dish s.o.a.p. You slather your face with dish soap then you get stainless steel or a thick sponge and a spoon and start scraping it off. The eyes take extra long because it hurts to scrap your eyes with a spoon. You end up looking like a tomato but your skin is clean. We finally collapsed into bed at 4:30 a.m. I spent all day Friday recovering.

Ok, back to Obama’s speech. I love it. I was close to tears several times but managed to control myself (because of the makeup). He spoke very well, and chose his quotes from the Qur’an, Bible, and Torah carefully. Perhaps a new chapter can be opened. I hate it when people say ‘Oh, he can talk all he wants, but will his words become actions?’ Negative thinking is NOT going to help. If we listen to his speech and believe that change can happen, then we’ve taken that step within ourselves and that is the purpose. He is one man. He cannot change the world, but we can. He can influence people, inspire them, encourage them, and motivate them to build a better world. His speech was inspiring and honest. He chose his quotes and examples carefully, and -remember guys-, he is a human. Humans aren’t perfect. He made a couple of mistakes here and there, but that’s no big deal. His message got through. I enjoyed the fact that he chose seven issues and discussed them one by one. He is such an amazing speaker. How he managed to speak so carefully without a paper for an hour totally baffles me. President Obama promised that he wanted his Cairo speech to be the start of an "honest" dialogue with the Muslim world. When it comes to how he handled the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, he fell short in a couple of points, and I’m sure the critics are busy attacking. However, no matter what he says, the Palestinians aren’t going to like it, and the Israelis won’t either because both sides don’t seem to want a two-state solution. Each side seems to think the other should be wiped off the face of earth. It’s not going to happen. It’s an unfortunate situation, but one has to deal with it positively and try to make the best out of it. Any solution is fine as long as the killing stops and people can have regular lives again. Children need school, families need homes, everyone needs healthcare, clean water, food, and peace! I’m ashamed of the World and of the Arab countries in particular that have done next to nothing to fix this. Ok, enough politics. Please watch the speech if you haven’t already:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B_889oBKkNU

Let me know what you think!